Invisible Boundaries
Every society has their own unwritten rules. They are usually second nature to locals but is stressful for the foreigner. Thankfully, Americans tend to be forgiving when a foreign person crosses these invisible boundaries, in fact a lot of times you are expected to trip up. However, that does not mean you will get away with it all the time. Here are some unspoken rules that I have gathered.
"Hi! How are you?"
Even a tourist can tell you about this seemingly friendly approach whenever you enter a store and strangers greet you when you are walking down the street, in the laundromat and so on. When I first encountered this behavior, I wasn’t quite sure what to do or say. After all, Mother always did say don’t talk to strangers. Besides, Malaysians are not known to verbally greet strangers. You’ll be lucky if you get a nod!
So where is the unwritten rule? Simply this. Just because you are asked how you are doing doesn’t necessarily mean the inquirer really wants to know. It is more of a habit or custom than genuine concern. My experience tells me that answering "Good", "Great" or "Fine" is sufficient. No more, no less. I have always candidly given a "I’m surviving" reply when people asked me how I am. It isn’t long after I used that here that I discovered it’s a mistake. People misunderstood me, and think my life is falling apart!
Saying anything more also produces awkward situations. My upbringing taught me to say "Fine, thank you and how are you?" When I return the favor, there are instances where people just don’t answer me or take a moment or two before they do, as if they are shocked that I asked. Or maybe they are shocked that I can really speak English or understand them after all Ken doesn’t seem to encounter this as much as I do. Whichever it is, sometimes it’s amusing. But anyway, nowadays, I only say "Fine, thank you."
Rude or just direct?
Americans are DIRECT! For a Malaysian, this can come across as rude and abrupt. But what is rude to me may not be to people here and vice versa. Malaysians are taught to veil their emotions, to maintain harmony in their relationships and to avoid conflict as much as possible. Even when we assert ourselves, we try to do it in the most diplomatic manner possible. Americans think aloud and sometimes very loud too! Quite disconcerting for the average foreigner and you can feel hurt. This is something that could eat away at a cross cultural marriage like ours.
The important thing to know is that such behavior is not usually meant to hurt or harm. Americans don’t mince their words and if they are upset, you can be sure they will let you know and there is no mistaking it. I still feel stung at times by the direct approach but unfortunately, you can’t undo something that you have learnt all your life and this is a gradual adaptation process. I have found however that clarifying it helps me check the perspective of things. For example, I may ask, "You are not upset with me are you?" American spouses however should be patient with their foreign better half and try to be a little more gentle. After all, she already has so many other things to learn and re-learn, it can only help if you give her pointers so that she doesn’t feel she is going it alone. I am ever thankful to God that Ken & I can discuss things civilly and this helps so much.
Family Ties
Everyone knows family here is not as close as it is back in Malaysia. We often give our elders a lot of respect, live at home till we are married and help each other out the best we can and whenever we can. Of course, there are families like that here too but there are some marked differences even within those families.
Most Malaysians are brought up with a sense of responsibility to their elders. When we enter the working life, we give money to our parents, if we can afford it, we buy better houses for our parents and stuff like that. The elders in the U.S. may not want that. So, that is something to think about when regarding your in-laws. Most elder people want to be independent and may interpret assistance to them especially financial assistance as demoralizing. I also notice that many times, siblings are regarded more as friends as you grow older. Do not be surprised when siblings resent personal questions.
Friends or acquaintances?
Friendships in the U.S. have a tendency to be short lived. It is easy to befriend someone but that does not necessarily mean it will last too long. It has naught so much to do with character but more because Americans tend to be individualistic. Someone you know and talk often to at work may not want to develop a deep friendship with you. On top of that, being a rather mobile society, a change of jobs and a move across this vast land makes maintaining friends a challenge, even costly.
In my experience and observation, friends whom you have known for years can also turn sour at the snap of your fingers. So what do you do? I do not know for sure, but I know that the saying ‘Choose your friends wisely’ takes on a deeper meaning now that I am here.
Me not We
As mentioned earlier on, Americans are very individualistic. At times, this borders on being self-centered but there is such a fine line in between the two. This makes them very protective of their privacy, not that I can blame them when everything is commercialized. While it is so common for us to ask our friends where they live, their number and how much they paid for a house, car, watch etc, it is not always appropriate here and you may be accused of snooping and invading their privacy! On the other hand, I find it so weird to be so protective of personal information yet do not think twice to give the clerk at the photo or auto shop a name, phone number and address.
When talking to someone, you might also want to keep a bit of a distance and definitely keep your hands to yourself! My Malaysian friends & I often reach out to pat one another’s arm or hand or shoulder to get attention but I am not so sure it will be taken well here.
Have wheels will travel…..
even when the travel is across the street and a 30 seconds ride. Walking is NOT common. I believe this has a lot to do with safety. I don’t know how many times I have been warned about it not being safe to walk alone and just because I have brown skin, black hair, almond eyes and walking alone down the street, I will be taken for a girl looking for a ‘good time’ *hint*. But seriously, the only U.S. city I have ever been to where I did not use a car is New York City. Not that it is safe but I guess more people are on foot in larger cities.
So there you are! Of course there are other unspoken rules and maybe some I am not yet aware of myself. But hopefully, this gives you a little insight what to look out for and safe yourself some embarrassment. There is also a good article I have come across that is good reading on this issue. Though it is written for students but it applies to anyone who is new to the U.S. Embark.com outlines Myths and Realities of American life and brief commentary of American Ways, a recommended read.
Meanwhile, till the next time, May the Lord bless you all and lead you in your challenges.
~ Lynette Chandler ~ |
