Culture shocked? Me? No way! Or so I thought. Over a period of 7 years, I had traveled through parts of California, Nevada, Hawaii, New York, Pennsylvania, Florida and Virginia. Because of my frequent visits to the U.S. one of my cousins remarked I was probably one of the few who have visited the U.S. most often. My uncle even asked me what was so attractive here. To me, it was the thrill of travel plus what I like to think was logic. The U.S. is STILL cheaper to visit than Europe and I wasn’t about to waste my hard-earned visa!
So after all the romping around in those states I must be prepared right? Being of proud nature, I find it hard to say, "No I am not prepared." But that is exactly how I feel. I feel agonizingly lonely, so out of place terribly confused, heartbreakingly unconfident and socially paralyzed, a shadow of what I was. At times, when I sit alone in my living room trying to make some sense of my thoughts and couldn’t, I would launch into deep tearful depression. I couldn’t understand this and felt there was something terribly wrong with me. I was quick to compare myself with a few of other friends who had come here about the same time and thought I lagged far behind. That hurtled me further into sorrow.
I refused to learn about culture shock or anything remotely connected to it. I expected difficulties and for things to be different but….. not culture shock! It only happens to the uninformed and infrequent travelers. So woefully misinformed was I. Finally, I found strength and courage to find out what culture shock is. Can I be suffering from culture shock?
No sooner had I started my search for answers were my questions answered. Contrary to its name, it is not even a shock, at least not in my terms. Culture shock is really a gradual process that you move into. Many researchers have acknowledged, culture shock has distinct stages. It seems that most go through honeymoon, decline, rock bottom, recovery and renewed normalcy. I couldn’t have felt more relieved!
When you first get into the U.S. or anywhere else, you will be in an all time high. You have battled the crazy tangled web of I-130, you will finally have your hubby to hold, Yes! To hold! Not read his typing on your computer screen! You will share dreams, you will talk all night long, you will shop together, and you will do things together. Oh! What bliss! What excitement! Your dreams are finally coming true!
Your friends back home talk up to you, telling how lucky you are. You soar. AMERICA! Wow! Can’t beat that. Your face glows and you are genuinely happy. Don’t get me wrong, you have every right to be. All the pieces of the puzzle are coming together and you are finally bridging the distance gap. You are embarking not only on a new life but a confirmation of your love and relationship. You should be happy. Let it out, let it flow, enjoy it!
When you make your move, everything is so fun! So unique! What should be a 5-minute dash to the shop turns into a 2 hour long adventure. Products you have never seen before and the vast array of choices is mind boggling! Hey! I know. I spent 10 minutes trying to decide on toilet paper! People are exciting. They welcome you and tell you they are so glad you are finally here. You find their outright manner refreshing in place of people who constantly watch their words.
After a while, the glamour seems to tarnish. You enter decline. When you walk into a local restaurant, you become strangely aware of yourself. You feel you are being watched and wonder if your marriage intentions are being questioned. You suspect people tag you with names like mail order or green-card opportunist and to be honest, some people do and will! When you cannot understand what people are telling you, you begin to feel a little stupid. When people ask you to repeat yourself you feel like you have speech disorder. Then, you think, "Maybe I am not as smart as I thought I was", at least I did.
The decline is rapid and you sink to the bottom like a rock. You begin to wish things were more like Malaysia and you begin to despise your surroundings. You look for the negative things about the country and then you feel so alone. No one knows you no one cares (except your husband). You also lose a lot of your confidence and self-esteem. You do not want to associate with others and keep to yourself.
When you emerge from that into the recovery stage, you will begin to have a new more balanced outlook to life. You know that things are not as bad as they seem to be. By now, the unspoken rules will be clearer and you take control once again of your social interactions. With this your confidence returns slowly until you mature into a kind of normalcy that I call the renewed normalcy.
Why renewed? Because, while you return to your normal self with your sense of humor and all, you aren’t. I have not yet come to this stage yet but I believe it is a time where you will in a way have the best of both worlds. You celebrate your culture, clinging close to the best of it and where it is lacking, you embrace the new culture. Life once again will move how you expect it to and at the speed you expect it to. All this is supposed to take about a year. Hard to believe isn’t it? But looking at my own 6 months here and still being at the bottom of the pit, I think not.
At times, it seems like I am emerging from this abyss. However now that I have looked it up and researched it, I feel better about myself. Also, understanding culture shock has given me renewed hope and the courage to face it. I am more prepared to handle it and wish I had not been so hard headed to begin with! I also look very much forward to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel knowing now that there is one.
I believe I have just touched the tip of the iceberg here but hope that it gives you some insight. In my readings, I have found this presentation by William Drake & Associates very good and urge you to read it too. It outlines each stage clearly and gives tips and suggestions how to manage and go about these trying times.
Till next Friday, Keep praying! The Lord will bring you together in His time J
~ Lynette ~
