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CROSSING BORDERS 01-02, JANUARY 4, 2002
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EDITOR'S NOTE
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Happy New Year everyone! 2002 spells changes for Crossing Borders, though I personally hate to do so. As you all know, there is no monetary profit for us to publish Crossing Borders and it's beginning to take too much time to prepare, search for and write quality articles, time that I could use to build my businesses that bring in money to help feed the family and pay for our new home. So, starting this year, this month, Crossing Borders will be a MONTHLY publication instead of Bi-monthly. I'm sure some of us are thankful for that since everyone's e-mail accounts (including mine) are flooded! Thank you for support and I hope you continue to stay with us as I've just planned 2002's article schedule... including, our lifting of conditional status experience.... we haven't done it yet but we are going to have to very soon. The INS ordeal continues after 2 years...............
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REFLECTIONS OF AN AMERICAN WITH A FOREIGN SPOUSE
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It was Friday morning at the office. I greeted Joe as I had every morning for the past year we grabbed a cup of coffee before the day officially started and discussed the weekend plans Joe suggested we and the missus's head for the beach for a joint family outing which I gladly accepted. When the time came around for lunch, I as usual went and sat with Joe and several others, had our typical small talk and jokes which I quickly found out were aimed at me and my family and what made it sting, it was Joe who's telling the joke. The very same guy I made plans to take my family on an outing with the next day! Apparently, Joe has the impression all Asians eat cats and dogs and the local Chinese restaurant was shut down because they found dogs in the refrigerator. I find it totally amazing there are actually educated people who would bet their paycheck all Asians eat cats and dogs because they are a delicatessen.
When we're courting, these things seem to pale in comparison to our wonderful relationship. We celebrate our differences, our cultures and think it wonderful to be so different yet so alike and it's easy to brush off prejudices. But when you've committed to each other, many small talk and jokes you never paid any attention to before or thought were harmless back then suddenly become rather personal and your perspective of the term 'harmless' changes dramatically.
Having a foreign spouse in America is trying. You may suddenly find yourself analyzing your best friend's comments and reactions, searching for hidden meanings. If you search the Internet for "Asian Women" or "Russian Women" or any non-American, non-Western European women for that matter what would you find? Pretty harmless topic right? You could be researching about their upbringing, women's rights, beauty secrets etc but the search almost always produces adult sites. Or better even, what could possibly come to your buddy's minds? I had a colleague look at my wife's photo and he reacted by asking if she has a sister. Now that is normally taken as a compliment but this clown was serious. He actually expressed that maybe my wife could find him a woman ala catalog/mail order style. What ever happened to old-fashioned courtship? Dating, chance meeting, pen friends or even online courtship? I saw this person about 6 times in the past year and guess what he asked me each time?
The terrible events of September 11th also added stress. In no way do I discount the loss and hurt particularly to family and friends of the victims. As a former Marine, dedicated and loyal American, it has stirred me deeply but it has also been personally difficult when friends who met my wife tells me she's sweet and nice on September 10th now they view her suspiciously because her country has a lot of Muslims. Then there are those who silently bet their bottom dollar your marriage is fraudulent, set up for the purpose of gaining entry into the country or robbing you of all your money. Despite what you tell them they're just waiting for the day to say "I told you so". You may also think that finding your spouse some same race/country friends would help but that could back fire too. I remember the time when my wife had just arrived here and was trying to reach out to people and thought she would try meeting other Chinese people here. Instead, she found out she would be flamed for 'selling out' her race because she married a non-Chinese.
I could name many things that I have heard since becoming an inter-national family. It is an unfortunate situation that you and I eventually cross and have to deal with. At times it seems to get harder but I think it is important to know and understand that things change after you enter a dual culture marriage. People from both sides change their perspectives about you consciously or not. You might also find yourself being ridiculed for "...not being able to find someone and had to turn to mail order" even if you didn't and your story is not like that at all. In fact, while surfing the Internet, we came across this couple who had this happen to them. You gotta read their story here
http://www.geocities.com/~hollismeister/mauryp.html.
So deal with it you say? I certainly have, with a few choice responses that have been enough to either make the individuals consider their approaches or have them know it is not an area they wish to confront me with again. I have also sat back to take note on my true friends because a true friend would not use you as the source of entertainment. Fortunately not all of my friends are this way. There are several who are honest and sincere and it is these type people I try to identify and have in our daily lives because it's important in the desire to support my spouse.
This is your home turf and you have the advantage to know and spot prejudiced speech/action. Your spouse is in a new place; they are disoriented by the new surroundings as normal things are now different and the familiar is strange. It'll take time before they have their feet planted firmly and able to identify these trouble spots. By helping your spouses make the transition smoothly, you will both enjoy the rewards. A lot of times people ask us if it's difficult being in an inter-national marriage. It has its ups and downs but what they don't realize more often is our problems don't come so much from our differences but rather the society around us. I wish you all well in your journeys and look forward to hearing your stories in the future - Ken for CB
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Copyright 2001. All rights reserved, Ken & Lynette Chandler.
Website: http://www.kenandlyn.home-page.cc
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