this is the entry that was originally done on dec. 14. i found it. i have more to talk about, but i will do it later on tonight or in the morning when more things have passed. i swear i am the drama king, and someone is definitely trying to not let me have a good day. enjoy.
tuesday evening. 6:05 p.m. i have so many things that i need to be doing. i need to study for my two finals that are coming up on wednesday and thursday. i need to go get me something to eat. i need to clean up the living room and fold clothes and clean up the kitchen. i need to bring the christmas decorations up from downstairs. i need to start moving the couch out of the way for the tree. i need to put clothes on. and yet, i sit here, in my boxers. alone. lonely. its sad that i think about moving out so many times, because i just cant stand living at home anymore. then, when i actually get the house to myself, i feel more alone and lonely than is hardly imagineable. i guess i need people. as hard as that is for me to say, i need people. i need people to talk to and to just be there even if i dont feel like talking to them.
when a drama occurs in one's life, they tend to think some crazy thoughts. at least i do anyway. since hearing the bad news about work, i have had many crazy thoughts. i have thought about just packing up and moving far, far away and trying to start a new life. i've thought about just quiting my job altogether. i've thought of starting a band and moving away. i've even thought of taking my truck and driving it off of a cliff and hoping that i die in the process. of course, none of these things will ever come to pass, but yet i still entertain thoughts of them.
so, i talked to sherry parrish. i have the job. great. she's excited to have me back. great. i'll be making $8.58/hour. great. i'll go back on the on-call rotation. great.
here's the real kicker.
i just want you to know that you coming back wont affect vance's hours at all. in fact, we are going to make him full time at the first of the year. i wouldnt want to cause any tension between the two of you.
now who do i believe? i didnt talk to either one of them today. which was good, because i didnt feel like talking to either one of them. i just dont know what to do. i did talk to andy some on sunday. he said that he could find me something, if i really wanted it. then he told me to work on a resume. i hate working on a resume. he told me that he would help me with it. i told him that i would work on it, and that i would call him to setup a time when we can meet and talk about it. i havent started on it yet, probably next week.
im taking friday and next monday off. hopefully, i am going hunting. maybe that will help to get my mind off of everything.
cold. i really need to put clothes on.
i still dont know what to do about michele. we talked briefly after work today. i told her that i was really scared of going into this and then getting hurt whenever she does find the person that is exactly what she is looking for. i also told her that i get real jealous when i know that she is talking to other guys. what can i do about it though? nothing really. its like im not ready to go ahead and make that step of saying that we are going to see only each other, but yet again, i dont want her talking to, much less seeing, other guys. i know, i know. you cant have your cake and eat it too. what a stupid cliche. i hate cliches, almost as much as i hate buzz words.
ohhhh, i almost forgot. i heard some really disheartening news about why i am loosing my job. i understand from a very reliable source that amy's sister-in-law, susan, is getting my job. im freakin' being sold out to family. i bust my butt for a freakin' year and i get sold out. am i saying that i havent made some mistakes? no, i am not saying that. in fact, i have made several mistakes, but nothing that warrants being removed from my position. i am doing the work of about two and a half people, with little to no training, i should be expected to make mistakes. this really makes me loose my faith in mankind. its really sad when someone that you have called a family friend for years turns on you and stabs you in the back. welcome to corporate freakin' america chad......
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footnote:
for some reason, i actually had a good day today, believe it or not. i told mandy today that i didnt know why i was in such a good mood because my life still sucks.
i asked my church to pray for me for the last two sundays, and today i got a post card that says this:
dear chad,that really helped. they will never know how much i appreciated this.
we will pray with you concerning your requests. the Lord knows our needs and has plans for each of us. remain patient and diligent in prayer and He will answer.