the good thing about going hunting is that i am forced to spend time in thought. i have no choice. what else am i going to do for hours on end while just sitting and waiting? usually, i bring a walkman with me, and that helps to pass the time. but, i intentionally did not bring one this time for several reasons. number one, i couldnt find it. number two, i wanted to see if i could hunt without it. and finally because i brought along a notebook and a pen to help occupy my time. why not spend all that free time doing something semi-productive instead of just sitting there, mindlessly listening to the radio? so, i sit and i think. and now, i write about thinking. i spent most of yesterday thinking about how beautiful this place really is. today, my thoughts have ventured elsewhere. i've thought about michele, and what exactly i want to say to her. i think i am going to either call or email her tomorrow morning and ask if i can come over to her house and talk. i guess the first thing i want to ask her is where our relationship is going. i mean, thursday night she cancels our date to go out with some fat redneck from a radio show, whom she doesnt even know. she never pages me after she promised that she would when she got home. i had to call her three times friday to finally get an answer about whether or not i could go with her to the zoo light safari with chase. the answer was finally no because her ex-husband was going, and even though i agreed to go anyway, she thought it would be too awkward. she tells me that she will be home by 8:00 and she would page me then and i could come over. i finally got paged at 10:30, and it basically said that i couldnt come over, but that she would call me sometime on saturday. granted i wasnt home part of the day, buy my phone never rang. nor did my pager go off. i finally caved in and swallowed my pride and called. twice. once at 5:00 and again at 7:00. she wasnt there either time. i spoke to her grandmother when i called the first time, such a nice lady. she said that michele wasnt there, but she would tell her that i called. i spoke with her again when i called back. this time she said that michele had been back, but had left again, and she didnt know when she would be back. im assuming, possibly in error, that she had a date. so, obviously something is going on. either she thinks that i am not going to choose to enter into a relationship with her and so she has decided to look elsewhere or she's been lying to me all along. if that's the case, then she is a very good liar. i talked with melissa about it, and that's what she thinks. she thinks that michele isnt really looking for a serious relationship right now, all she is looking for is a good time. and if thats true, then fine, i can be that too. i just need to know this before i let myself care about her anymore and especially before i do something stupid like fall in love with her. i also talked about this with kristal. she pointed out something to me about myself that i already knew, but just didnt want to admit. i have this overwhelming desire and need for a relationship. i love it. i love almost everything about being in a relationship. therefore, to stay in a relationship, no matter how small of one it may be, i put up with a lot of crap that i probably shouldnt. and that is so true. i look back on all of my previous relationships, and it applies. the previously mentioned crap with michele, the months and months of crap that i put up with from jamie, the three-week long period before prom with sabrina where i knew that something was seriously wrong, but i tried to hold on to what was left of a year-and-a-half long relationship anyway, the incessant jealousy and constant fighting that i went through with linda, its all the same. i love the idea of a relationship. i love having someone to hold hands with and cuddle with. i love to touch, and be touched, by a woman. i love going home after spending an evening with a woman, my clothes still smelling like her, and lying in bed, replaying the evening over and over again in my mind. i think most of all, i love being wanted. that in itself, to me, is worth all the hardship and pain that inevitably comes with a relationship. so, i dont know what i am going to do about michele. i guess it all depends on her and what her response to my question is. i told both melissa and kristal that i was going to stand up for myself this time. i dont think either one of them believed me. i dont know if i believe me.
my thoughts now turn to kristal, and what she really thinks about me. she is excellent at reading people and figuring out what they are made of. within just a few minutes of conversation, she understood things about me that some people who have known me for years dont know. i've never known anyone with whom i have had as much in common with as i do with her. from jimmy stewart and dostoyesky to knowing whats its like to be abused and having everyone you know doubt your intelligence. i've been there. she's been there. and we understand each other, at least i think that we do anyway. and that is so rare for me to find someone who actually understands me. it might even be a first. its still weird for me to think that she is going to be reading this. even though she says that she doesnt, i have this feeling that she thinks that i am some psychotic freak who is going to track her down and stalk her. its not like that at all. i think that at the very least, we will become good friends. and if i knew her in person, i think it would become a lot more than that. at least i would want it to. she is definitely a lot of what i am looking for. she somehow thinks that my image of her is better than what she actually is. i dont think so. i mean, what i think of her comes mostly from reading her journal over the last two years and partly from the few conversations that we have had. she is afraid that i am going to find something about her that i dont like. for some reason, i think she is afraid that she is going to disappoint me. i really dont know why she feels this way, except for the fact that she is self-deprecating and paranoid, just like me. i think that she is a wonderful person and that she really has a lot to offer someone someday. as for what is going to happen between us, i have no idea. i know that i am excited about it. excited to at least have an incredible new friend. someone who i can talk to and learn about. someone who will teach me a lot about people and life. someone who can listen and who i can tell some of the crazy stories of my life to. someone who will encourage me to think. someone who will help me to become a better person. and someone who, hopefully, i can even grow to love...
i've written about everything except the actual hunting trip itself. i guess i will do that now. the weather forecast called for rain sunday morning and then clearing, with about a 60% chance of rain again on monday. so, we decided to leave around noon on sunday to miss the morning rain. i spent saturday night wrapping all of my christmas and birthday presents. i am finished wrapping everything except one of vance's presents, and that is going to take some time. i went to bed about midnight and vance wasnt back from bible study yet. that kind of trouble me. daddy called and woke me up about 7:30. church doesnt start until 9:15, so i decided to go back to sleep for a little while. i woke back up at 9:20. oops. guess who didnt make it to church. i got ready and helped daddy load up the truck. then we left. daddy and i talked for a little while on the trip down. well, he talked, i mostly just listened. he talked about work and how it was going to be okay. then, he reminded me that what goes around, comes around, and i just hope to goodness that i am still here when that happens. its probably wrong for me to feel that way, but i do. i spent the rest of the trip falling in and out of sleep and just enjoying the country side. when we got here, nobody was here and hadnt been here since friday. the old clubhouse was even locked. luckily, i had my key. we got to choose to hunt anywhere we wanted to. i chose my favorite house on the gas line in the swamp. so we head on over to the swamp, and right after making the statement that he didnt want to get my truck muddy, he did not only that, but he also got it stuck in the mud. great. i just washed that truck the day before. so, he and i jump on the four-wheeler and we literally fly to my house. then, he goes back to try to get some help pulling the truck out. i found out later that he got some local farmer to help him, and he pulled it out with the four-wheeler. i sat in my house until dark, wondering how we were going to get out of there with the truck stuck. i did finally see daddy get into the house to my right, and at about the same time, i saw a deer all the way across the river on the other people's property. as i am writing this, i just saw another deer cross in just about the exact same spot. in fact, there are four of them, all does i assume. they are just out there grazing. i've been here a day and a half, and i have seen seven deer, and about five turkeys, all in that same spot. i guess they dont get shot at when they cross there. anyway, daddy did come get me not too long after dark. we went into town and washed all the mud off the truck and got something to eat. we ate eight pieces of chicken and four biscuits between us. i cant believe that i ate that much. we forgot the t.v. at home. so, we were stuck with just a radio. after going through about 17,000 country stations, daddy finally found a station that was playing christmas music only. that was nice. we went to sleep right after we ate. i guess it was around 8:00. i slept fairly well, but i did something that i dont normally do. i woke up several times throughout the night. i guess i was worried that we were going to oversleep and miss the morning hunt. i had all kinds of crazy dreams. most of them involved hunting and mr. rhodes. dont ask, i dont know why. daddy finally woke me up around 6:00. we were running late of course. as we were unloading, mr. mullins pulled up and was talking to daddy. i took the four-wheeler and left. the plan was that daddy was going to spend the morning walking, and he would eventually walk to me. i hunted all morning and only saw that one deer across the river. at about 9:30, i heard a gunshot that had to have been daddy. i just knew that he had killed a deer. about thirty minutes later, he shows up in the gas line and signals me to come get him. so, i loaded up all of my stuff, hopped on the four-wheeler, and went to get him. the big dork had shot at a beaver and not a deer. what a weenie. we went back to the cabin to get some lunch. i ate vienna sausages and he ate spam. yummy. i dont know what it is about the hunting camp, but everything tastes better here. then we took a little afternoon ciesta. we got back up about 2:00 and went back into the woods. that's when i saw the previously mentioned four grazing deer, and then i ended up seeing a mother and a baby deer a lot closer to me than the others. daddy said that a big buck came out down there with them right before it got dark. i quit watching them, so i missed him. i started to shoot the momma deer, but it was so far away that i decided not to take a chance and miss. i had the four-wheeler, so i had to go get daddy at dark. i thought that i was going to get lost, but i didnt. he was walking down the pathway when i got to his house, and it kind of scared me. the woods just seem a little scarier after seeing the blair witch project. i know, im such a wimp and it was just a movie, but it scared the heck out of me. we went back to the cabin to load up all of our stuff, and we left. again, daddy did most of the talking on the way home and i just listened. i was going to take a nap, but i just wasnt tired. daddy told me stories about my grandfather on my mom's side. he died five years before i was born, so i have very little knowledge of him. we got home and unloaded most of the stuff. we washed the clothes, and i wiped the guns down. and that was about the extent of my hunting trip. i had a blast, as i always do. i love it. i love being in nature. and i love being away from the stress and worry of my normal life.....
[ < previous | next > ]