breaking point

i've been sitting here
trying to find myself
i get behind myself
i need to rewind myself

Kid Rock - Only God Knows Why

that is such a beautiful song. and that even sounds weird for me to hear myself saying that about a kid rock song. but its true. i love it.

every man has a breaking point. and i almost reached mine yesterday and last night.

it was really bad.

i just wasnt having a good day at work for several reasons. the biggest probably being the workload that is being thrown on me at the present moment. its killing me. and on top of that, i just dont want to even do it. its sad really. michele wasnt having a good day either. same reason. then, i said something that really upset her. or let me correct that, she took something that i said the wrong way, and it upset her. i always feel like such an idiot apologizing when i dont think that i have done anything wrong. i could tell that she was having a bad day, so i stayed away from her, but it was killing me to know that she was upset with me. i left her a couple of emails telling her that i was sorry and i even sent her an e-card apologizing. i didnt get anything in response all day long until around 4:15. she wrote me and said that she was leaving, but that she would be coming back around 8:30. when i finally got out of class last night, i called to see if she was still here. she was. she didnt seem to be too upset. i asked if i could come by and see her. she told me that stephanie was there, but that it would be okay. so i went. basically, spent the time there answering the phone calls of what we thought was a freak and listening for noises. its pretty scary here at night, especially when there are only a few people up here. i scared the mess out of stephanie when i got here. it was so funny. michele and i got along a lot better than i thought we would. she said, that i wasnt being a jerk, just that i was having a bad day, and she didnt want to make it worse. she got her hair cut, and wasnt wearing any make-up. i like seeing her without make-up. she's just that much more beautiful to me that way. as we were leaving she said that she would call me when she got home. she finally did page me around 10:50. i called her back and we talked for a few minutes before she went to bed. she had to be here at 6:00 this morning. things were actually good on the phone. i had decided that i was having a good night. it was cool. i havent had one of those in about a week now.

then i got online, and things drastically changed.

the night before, i had told melissa about michele. i told her everything. she listened. she advised. and mostly she was honest with me about it. then, we basically decided that we were going back to being just friends again. that was tough. i nearly cried. a couple of times. we both realized that we werent really what we were looking for. she was a little upset, not that i had gone out with someone else, but that i didnt tell her about it. i understood that. i almost expected her never to speak to me again. we decided that nothing was really going to change as far as daily emails and hanging out and stuff, except that we were going to do it on a friendship level. i left that conversation sadened, but feeling okay about it.

flashback forward to yesterday, after michele and i talked. i got online and melissa was there. so we started talking. nothing serious, just talking. then brandy got online and IM'd me. again, no serious conversation was taking place, just some randomness. then, i told brandy that i was getting offline. she told me to wait, that she had something that she wanted to talk to me about. this is where the *fun* began. i wish i had saved some of the conversation to post here, but i didnt. she basically said that i was obsessed with sex, and it was ruining my life. this really didnt bother me. i basically kind of shrugged her off. then she told me that it was all that i ever talked about and that i had said that it was all that i was concerned with. bull crap. i have never said anything like that in my life. then, came the real kicker. she told me something like, no matter what kind of struggles that you are going through with someone in a relationship, dont ever talk to that person about having sex with another person. excuse me. this hit me hard. first i was pissed at melissa for telling her. melissa says that she didnt give her any of the details, but she knows from somewhere. then i got really pissed at brandy for sticking her nose in my business. my response was basically something like this, 'number one, you dont know me well enough to say that all i talk about/think about/am concerned with is sex. number two, thanks for the advice...i'll keep it in mind next time........serious sarcasm there.' then i told melissa that brandy had given me some unsolicited advice, and that i *was* having a good night. then i just turned off the computer and went to bed. screw that. i was seriously hurt. almost decided to get in my truck and just drive away. anywhere, just away. i didnt, i just went to bed, feeling more hurt than i have been in months. when i got to work this morning, melissa had emailed me and apologized for what brandy had done. she didnt have to do that. she isnt responsible for brandy. she also told me that she didnt tell her any of the details. still, she knows somehow. melissa said that she had told val, but not everything, and that val wouldnt say anything anyway. i dont know how she knows, and dont really care, but she knows. i wrote her back and told her that i was sorry for just leaving like that, but i was pissed. then when i checked my yahoo account, there was a message from brandy from yesterday. she said that we needed to talk sometime. i am guessing that she left that message before we talked last night. this is my response to her message:

hi, i dont know what possessed you to lecture me last night, but the next time that you get the notion to stick your nose in my business about something that doesnt even concern you, go jump down someone else's throat. you had no right to do what you did, and you know that. first off, you dont know me well enough to make the statements that you made. and number two, you dont know the situation between melissa and myself, and its none of your business anyway. if she choose to tell you some things about the situation, thats her choice. but that does *not* give you the right to slam me about it. if this upsets you, im sorry, but you really pissed me off last night...
...chad...

we have written back and forth about it a couple of more times. i basically told her to keep her nose in her own business. nothing really has changed. i also posted this to vals message board:

you know things are bad, when even your friends turn on you...

maybe they arent turning on me, but it just felt that way at the time. i havent heard from either brandy or melissa in a while. i probably pissed them both off royally with that one. but it was how i felt at the time. i cant really apologize for my feelings, can i? maybe for expressing them, but not for having them....

*******

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