i dont know
Creed - With Arms Wide Open
if i'm ready
to be the man
i have to be
four days later and im just as confused as ever, if not more so. i dont know what i want, i dont know what i need, i dont know what God wants for me, and i dont know michele wants from me. im terrible at this. i wish i had an answer for everything. i wish everything was easy. why do things have to be so freakin' complicated? why cant michele just have never been married? why cant it be easy? i guess easy is something that only happens in the movies. what about my freakin' movie?
so, i went to see michele again last night. well, first i went out to eat with a bunch of people from work. michele didnt go because she wasnt feeling well and i dont think that she really wanted to go anyway. i was supposed to come over right after i ate, so i thought. i called her from tarrant, no answer. i called her from gardendale, no answer. i go to her apartment, knock on the door, no answer. no camry in the parking lot either. i go back to the gas station to call and check my voicemail, maybe i missed something. 'you have five old archived messages.' dang, where is she? i go back to her apartment, still no michele. so, i wait. and get my feelings hurt, and then get angry, and then think that something may have came up with either her grandmother or chase, and then feel bad for getting angry. i told myself that i would wait until 10:00, and i would have. then i decide to do some studying since i have nothing better to do. then, i think that i might be at the wrong apartment so i leave and go up the street to make sure that i was at the last apartment complex on that side of the street and i was. i knew that i was. i go back. more studying, listening to music, trying not to fall asleep, dozing off, oh look, its michele. about an hour after i got there the first time. she apologizes and says that she had gone to eat with her dad. i told her that it wasnt a big deal. so, we go in and we are just chillin when the phone rings, its kratz. she acts like she is real tired and tells him that she that she is watching a movie and doesnt think that she will be up real late. fine. i hate to be this way, but i am getting jealous with her. i didnt even say anything. i just welcomed her back to the couch and put my arm around her. we watched cruel intentions. pretty good movie, very sexual. not that i need any help when i am around her. so the movies over and we start kissing. it starts getting pretty heavy and the phone rings again. guess who. im just sitting in there on the couch and she is standing in the kitchen with her back to me and talks to him. not only that, but she talks to him in a soft voice. not that i would even want to hear what they were talking about, but it just made things worse. she talked to him for about 6 or 7 minutes. i was getting really pissed by the time that she got off the phone. to the point that i was putting my shoes back on and i was just going to walk out the door. she could see that i was upset. the moment was gone. we talked about it for a little while. i asked her if it was really over with him. she said that the seriousness of it was over. and i want to believe her, but i dont know. i told her that the only thing that i was asking out of her was to be totally honest with me, because i am always going to be totally honest with her. she said that she knew that, and agreed. then we talked for a little more about how i dont really know what i want. then we just chilled on the couch for a little while. and i didnt know what to feel.
finally, we started kissing again. it got really heavy this time. to the point that i went down on her. for a really long time i went down on her. and she loved it. and i loved it. and then she wanted to do something for me. she asked me what i wanted. i told her that i wanted to make love to her right then and there. she wanted me to, and even asked. i told her that i couldnt. i know that i disappointed her. its not that i didnt want to, trust me i wanted to. i just dont know if i am ready. so she put her panties back on and sat on my lap. the whole time she was doing that, we were talking. the conversation started from her saying that she thinks that she makes me nervous. we talked for a long time with her sitting my lap. we talked about us mostly. a lot of things were said. she told me that kratz was more than ready and willing to be with her. i question that about him, but i would never let her know that. he said that he knows that she is what he wants. but there is something standing in her way. and that would be me, and her feelings towards me. she says that she is afraid to tell me what all she feels for me because she thinks that it would just put more pressure on me. its like there are two parts to the relationship that we have. the relationship side and the sexual side. and they are developing a rapidly different paces. the intense attraction that we have for each other is obvious. and i dont know what to do about that. basically, we decided to take things slow in the relationship and get to know each other before we made any kind of huge decision. then, of course, we started kissing some more. while we are kissing, i am whispering to her the things that i love about her. well, this is actually pretty funny, while i was doing this i accidentally told her that i loved her. i was trying to say something like 'i love to make you happy' or something like that. it just came out 'i love you.' we laughed about that one for a few minutes, and then another strange thing happened. the phone rang again. okay, its like 1:00 a.m. and the phone is ringing. what the heck? she does her whole pretending to be asleep thing again. i dont know who it was, but it seemed like something was wrong with whoever it was. she told whoever it was that i was over there. im trying to think who all would know that she and i are whatever we are and that i might be over there. i dont know if it was her mom or her brother or maybe lisa or another friend of hers. heck, it might have been kratz or even tommy callaway or even her ex-husband. i didnt ask, and i never will. i dont think that it was kratz, but i dont know that. she told them that she would call them back in a few minutes. so i put my jacket back on and she gets fully dressed again. as i was leaving, i picked her up and hugged her like i did last time. she told me that that was what she loved. i told her that i didnt want to go. then i kissed her goodnight and left, confused as ever, but extremely happy. its 10:15 the next morning, and i can still smell her on me. i can still taste her in my mouth, even after eating breakfast and brushing my teeth. i want so bad to just get up and leave and drive over there right now. but i dont know if she's home or if she has company. i dont know what to do. i prayed about it some more this morning and i think God is telling me to tell her about my future plans, as far as seminary and becoming a preacher. im going to tell her. i've told God on several occassions that if she wasnt what he wanted for me, then to take those feelings i have for her away. well, that has happened yet.
so much other stuff is happening in my life right now as well, but i cant really concentrate on them because all i can think about is her. i will just briefly mention this even though it is a pretty big thing. i had the worst day i've had in months on wednesday. i finally had that meeting with sherry about my job. i am going to have to leave the department. sherry told me that the company didnt want to loose me, so she offered me some options. first, i can go back to working in customer service. im sorry, but i dont really want to work for sherry parrish again. i didnt say that out loud, but i felt it. option number two, she would talk to any other manager in the company and give me a recommendation if i wanted to try something else. i told her that i would think about it and we were supposed to meet again on thursday. well, she was out of the office for most of the day and i was extremely busy, so that didnt happen. see, thats another thing. i am more busy now than i proably have ever been at work, and i just dont even want to do it anymore. she was gone all day friday so we didnt talk then either. i am going to talk to her on monday about it. i know i am making this seem like not a big deal, but it is. i just cant get michele out of my mind...
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