the day

things have been rough with my dad lately. everyone is getting to him. i think his nerves are finally getting the best of him. i think it has a lot to do with the fact that he quit smoking and now he is taking medicine for his various health problems. i think they are making him irritable, but that doesnt excuse it. he's having to accept a lot of things that he isnt used to. like having two virtually adult children at home, and getting old. he's mad at the world and taking it out on us. vance seems to be getting the worst of it. of course, his attitude doesnt help the situation any. they are just so much alike and they clash heads tremendously. it got really bad on sunday night. we were eating another thanksgiving dinner and i dont even remember what started it. there was lots of yelling and screaming, on both parts. dad threw his water on vance and actually put his hands on him like he was going to hurt him. i stood up and pushed him away and told him to calm down. vance ended up getting slapped several times before the night was over. then we were forced to finish eating because he said that he had worked so hard on making it and we had to eat it. like i said, my mouth and vance's mouth dont help the situation, but neither does his yelling and screaming and name calling and mocking either. i just get tired of being yelled at and made fun of sometimes. after the 45 minute lecture was over, so i thought, he asked me if i had anything to say. so i reiterated all the things that i have said before to him and all the things that i have previously mentioned in this post. then the discussion turned to his responsibility as a parent. he said that he wasnt responsible for me because God was the only one who could make life. what a freakin' crock. anyway, more lecture ensued and all the things that i had previously mentioned were done again; the name calling, the yelling, the mocking. its all the same. im just tired of it. i spent a better part of my stats class yesterday trying to figure out if it would be possible for me to move out into an apartment making the money that i am making now. i still dont know, but i think it is possible. the big problem there is that i dont know the first thing about living alone. who knows what will happen?

now, onto the real reason that i am skipping class as i type this and the reason that my stomach is all tied in knots. today is the day. its finally here. i am actually going this time, no doubt about it. michele's grandmother got put back in the hospital again today, and her mother told her not to come to the hospital tonight. so, she decided to invite me over after class tonight. i guess i should back up first. lets go back to last night. i called. no answer. i called several more times throughout the night. no answer. i am guessing that she was talking to kratz. i dont think things are turning out the way that she expected there. i think they are fighting and she didnt want to click over last night. now, she told me that she went to bed at 9:30, but i dont really believe her. we started a conversation this morning via email about how she was getting down because she couldnt find anyone. i asked her if she had anyone in mind and she said yes. she eventually said that it was me, but i was wanting her to tell me about kratz. so i pried some more. she eventually said that she was talking to him, but that he wanted to get too serious too fast. which, i know that he has a tendency to do, sans elaina. i went to lunch with her and mandy and lisa today. actually, having her and mandy at lunch together was just odd in itself. anyway, i rode in the front seat and she rode in the back seat and i let her play with my hair on the way there and back. i was expecting some kind of email afterwards, and i got one. it said something like, 'cause i really like this song'. not really what i was expecting. finally, much later in the day, i got this long email that said that she thinks that she could wait on me. she thinks that i have a lot of the qualities that she is looking for in a man. she thinks that there could actually be something between us. she wants us to spend some time together, nothing special, just talking. i told her that i would love to spend some time with her, which i would. am i ready to take on the responsibility of being someone's stepdad. heck no. divorced women, and men, carry baggage into a relationship. divorced women, and men, with kids carry even more baggage. i know that i am not responsible or mature enough to handle that in a relationship. so i am going over tonight. actually, i am leaving as soon as i finish doing this. what will happen? i dont know, but i am going. i have the directions in my pocket and everything. can i control my hormones, or do i even need to. mandy and i have proven that friends can mess around and still be friends. i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. phillipians i think...

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