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bodies - drowning pool love, i am so tempted to curse right now that its almost unbearable. actually, i was thinking of starting this entry with a couple of really big curse words right across the top of it. it wouldnt have helped at all, but it would have made me feel a heck of a lot better. tonight was one of the worst nights that i have had in years, when it should have been great. i just dont see how one person can be as selfish and as self centered as she is. it really doesnt matter to her what i want or what you want. it doesnt matter what makes her own daughter happy. it doesnt even matter what God's will is. what she wants takes precedence over all of those things. i have a serious problem with that. we have our sales meeting at work this weekend, so i wont get to see you on either friday or saturday. so after your class, you invited me to go to this cool little coffee shop downtown with you. on the way to meet you, i started thinking about our whole situation. and it made me mad. as long as i dont think about it, im okay, but when i start thinking about it, it really upsets me. i was thinking about the conversation that i had with her yesterday. we went through the same old story. i asked her why this was happening and she said that she just didnt like me. i asked her to give me one single reason why she didnt like me. she couldnt come up with one. not a single reason. its just so irrational, and i despise irrationality. when i got there, i could tell that you were upset too. there's no telling what conversation had transpired before i got there. i can only imagine the amount of tears that have fallen from your angel eyes because of this. oh if i could do something to take all of those tears away. we tried to have as much fun as possible, considering the circumstances. and we did. we laughed. we made fun of the drunk people downtown. and we drank our overpriced coffee drinks. after swallowing our pricy drinks, you asked me to go with you to the pet store to pick up some things. in the turn lane to the pet store my phone rings and its your mother. she's upset for reasons only known to her, and she wants to speak with you. which goes back to that irrationality thing i was talking about. i hand you the phone and for nearly a minute the argument ensues. then, as usual, she hangs up on you. i was livid. this wasnt the first time that she had called and interrupted one of our dates. selfish is not the word. she wants to take that few moments of joy that we have together and ruin it. oh yeah, i was mad. i knew she'd call back. she always does. and i knew that she would start yelling again. but you know what, not on my phone she's not. i put the phone on silent mode and put it in my pocket with no intention of answering it. did she call back...yep. did i answer it.....not a chance. she'll get over it. you took me back to my truck and we started to say goodbye. while hugging me before i left, you started crying. i cant imagine how hard this must be for you. torn in the middle like you are. i wonder what you were thinking when the tears came. was it the whole situation altogether? was it what she said to you on the phone? was it the fact you knew it would be a while before you saw me again...or even talked to me for that matter. or was it a combination of all of these things? i hate that more than anything. seeing you upset makes me upset. i hate it. if this thing bothers me and gets me upset, i'll get over it. but if it gets you upset and causes you to cry, then thats a different story. thats crossing the line for me. something has to give...soon. i seriously cant stand to see tears coming out of those beautiful eyes of yours. eyes like that arent made to cry. you left before i had the chance to show you your handprint on my windshield or have you try one of my special desserts. maybe next time. something, i dont know what, inspired me to call your mother to tell her that you were on your way. she wanted to know exactly how long it had been since you had left and i kept telling her a few minutes. she got pissed, yelled, and hung up on me. one thing i cant stand...being hung up on. especially when i wasnt finished talking. so, what'd i do? i called back. no answer...no shock there. but im persistent. i called again. still no answer. so i continue to call. call, ring four times, hang up. repeat. eventually she answers and tells me to stop calling. she also says that she wasnt yelling, which she was, and that all she wanted was for me to answer a simple question. i did answer the question. i just didnt answer it in the way that she wanted me to. i explained to her the fact that i answered the question and that i didnt write down the time of your exact depature. she then proceeds to call me a smart alec. she yells at me, hangs up on me, and then calls me a smart alec. some people have a lot of nerve. once again the irrationality prevails. it would be different if i were talking to a junior high school kid, but we're talking about a woman in her late 40's. so she hangs up on me again. at least she said bye first this time. however, i still wasnt finished talking. i resort back to my previous calling formula. this time though, she doesnt answer. at all. for the rest of the night. this is what upsets me to cursing status. as of right now, i havent let any slip, but i want to. i hate the fact that she yelled at you when you got there. i hate the fact that i probably wont talk to you until monday. i hate the fact that this has caused you to miss 3 out of the last 5 days of work from worrying yourself sick. i freakin' hate that this is in our lives. something has to give very soon. |
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