realization

love, i had another incredible weekend.

but i realized something today that hurts my heart.

there will come a day, probably when our relationship first turns serious, that i will have to tell you about my past.

i will have to tell you about all the things that i have done with the various girls in all of my past relationships.

i will have to delve into those memories that i have tried so hard to forget. those things that make me shudder to even think about.

i'm going to have to try to explain why i took the only thing that i have to give you and decided to give parts of it away to other girls. and why i didnt find you worthy enough to wait on. and why i was selfish enough to do the things that i did.

and then, after all that is said, im going to ask you to somehow love me anyway.

i wish that i didnt have to go through all of that. it will probably be one of the hardest things that i ever have to do. i dont want to do it. i dont want to see the pain on your face as i share all of that with you. i dont want you to see me cry as i recount time after time that i betrayed your love.

i'm tempted just to share it all here in the journal so that i wouldnt have to look at you when you read about it. but that would be the cowards way out.

i did it. nobody else is responsible. i'm the one that has to pay the consequences. and that includes having to relive all of it by telling you.

love, i truly am sorry. i hate the things that i have done. i hate the fact that i have cheated you like that. i hate that i not only sinned against God, but i sinned against you with the things that i have done.

i know that God has forgiven me, i just pray that you will be able to do the same.

i love you.

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