a new beginning

i decided that its time for a change.

i decided that i am going to allow God to take full control of my dating life. i have decided that i will no longer just casually date people. i have decided that i will no longer take a piece of my heart and give it to anyone other than my future wife; i have already given way too much of it away.

i envy nicole. she has never really dated anyone, never kissed anyone, never messed around or anything else that goes along with a relationship. she has so much more to give her future husband than i do to my future wife.

so, along with that change in my life comes a change for this journal. from now on, this journal is going to be my writings to my future wife. it will be something that i can give to her on our wedding night far greater than my virginity or any other gift. it will allow her to see who i was years before i even met her.

it probably wont be very entertaining for everyone else though. the few people that do read this may decide that its just plain boring now (not that it was any better before).

so love, this is for you. this is me. this is who i am right here and right now. nothing hidden, no secrets. im not proud of a lot of the things that i have done and i still fail miserably at times.

but im trying my hardest to do God's will in all areas of my life. im trying to be totally sold out and on fire for God.

i wonder where you are in your spiritual walk right now. i wonder where you are physically right now.

the first thing that i ask you to do is to go back and read all of the archives from the past. i started this journal almost a year ago, and i think its important for you to go back and read about all of things that i have experienced in this past year. some of it will probably upset you, but i promise if you keep reading, that it gets better.

the second thing i ask is that you understand that i am truly sorry for the things of my past. i used to think that as long as i wasnt having sex, then everything was okay. i was very selfish in my relationships of the past. i also want you to know that i am a different man than i used to be. i promise not to participate in those type of activities again until you and i are married. i also promise to try my hardest to control my thought life and not allow myself to dwell on such things either.

finally, i want you to know that i love you. i started loving you today, and my love for you will only grow stronger as the days pass until you and i actually meet.

i long for that day, but i will try to be patient during this time. i have no idea how long it will be before i meet you or where you even are, but i know that God's plan is perfect. i will try to be content knowing that.

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