Another day, another night, has passed
I have thought about it until I can't think any more
And still, I do not understand
How long can I last? Me and my fake self.
Before all this came to a boil, I was coming out of my shell.
Now it is lost. What if it never comes back?
I would have never thought it would come to this.
Why can't I understand this? Why does it have to be this way?
And one day, when I'm 53 years old and my Grandmomma is 93 years old she will ask me,
- author unknown
Since you told me you didn't want me
It still hurts just as much as when I first read the words
I have prayed about it, unrelentlessly…
Acting as if I don't need a serious relationship too.
Who was I fooling? I can't pretend anymore.
I'm afraid I have to get on with my life without Chad.
Trapped. It was ALWAYS there when other people tried to come into my life.
My heart was released from jail! I was feeling free after all that time.
Expressions, feelings, emotions - they all were of ME and they were real.
That's what scares me the most about all of this.
I feel my heart hardening as I type this.
What if it never comes back? Oh, God…
Especially after that special night.
I guess that goes to show you dreams can come true - and then get lost in oblivion.
How much more of life can I stand without him?
I am well on my way of forgetting him. I have to. As much as it hurts…
I believe God is trying to tell me to let go.
It's the only way He knows I will be able to handle the end.
"Jamie, why didn't you ever marry?" I will say, "Grandmomma, marriage is not important to me. I have a soul mate. He was in my life back when I was in my twenties. And that was enough love to sustain me for a lifetime."
and so the drama goes....
a little word of advise to any and everyone that may ever read this: stay single at all cost, dont even date, it will only confuse your life.
dont take my advise though, listen to what the apostle paul had to say:
"It is good for a man not to marry." - 1 Corinthians 7:1
anyway.
so im loving the youth minister position. the kids seem to like me and i like them. they seem to enjoy my teaching so far, but given time that may change. hopefully not, but we will see.
im going to be honest with you, its tough to find the time that i need to prepare all of the things that i need to do.
and it certainly doesnt help that there is a girl in my life demanding a lot more of my time than i am able to give her.
last wednesday, i taught on what worship really is. this week i am going to teach on prayer. i think next week i am going to teach on spiritual armor. im taking my guitar tomorrow too. last week, i just took some of my worship cd's and introduced them to some of the songs. this week, im going to make them sing them.
the growth process is a slow one, and i am trying not to get frustrated with that, especially since i personally have very little time to do anything about it. im trying to do what i can though. im calling the kids after class when i can.
i got a key to my office last sunday. im going to go and paint it and do some cleanup and decorating in there on saturday. you know, make it my own.
i am so excited and thrilled about this ministry. God is showing me so much that its hard to even put it into words. my vision just keeps growing and growing.
ahhhhh, man this is awesome.
i just wish that things were as clear in other areas of my life.
i made the kids answer some questions on a sheet of paper last week. questions that will help me decide on what i need to teach on.
one of the questions was something like, 'more than anything in my life right now i need...'
here's my answer: prayer, and lots of it. prayer for the strength that i need to handle this ministry and the battles that i am going through because of it. prayer for a clearer vision and an understanding of how i am going to accomplish the vision. prayer for wisdom in making decisions concerning all areas of my life. and most of all, prayer for the peace of God to guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.