'Gideon said to God, "If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised - look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you said," And that is what happened. Gideon rose early the next day; he squeezed the fleece and wrung out the dew - a bowful of water.
Then Gideon said to God, "Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece. This time make the fleece dry and the ground covered with dew." That night God did so. Only the fleece was dry; all the ground was covered with dew.' - Judges 6:36-40
man, the Old Testament is full of awesome stories like that.
wow a whole fourteen days since my last entry. im such a slacker.
but if you think about it, my last entry was long enough for at least three days worth of entries.
where to begin? so much has happened.
jamie and i have been talking and seeing each other more lately.
i really dont know what to think or do about that situation.
like i said before, i still love her and i always will. and the more time that i spend around her, the more those feelings keep coming back.
and then at the same time, i know that if the milk is spoiled when you take it out of the 'fridge, if you put it back and get it out later, its still spoiled milk. terrible grammar there, but i think you got the point.
and then again, i realize that sometimes people change. i know that neither one of us are the same person that we were when we went out the first time. i know that God took her away from me the first time so that i could get my life right with Him. while we were going out, neither one of us were persuing God in our lives. since we broke up, both of us have gotten back on the right path. both of us are now on fire for God. i mean, the majority of our conversations center around God now. something that almost never happened before.
and its kind of weird that she just sort of showed up one day. neither one of us were persuing one another. we just sort of crossed paths again.
anyway.
we had the "us" talk the other day. i hate those talks. it started via email. note to self: dont ever have a conversation about a serious topic via email. so much gets lost over a modem.
i asked her what she felt about me and this is what she had to say:
im really not sure who she was referring there. im a big weenie and none of those things.
i told her that she was my weakness, in that she is just about the only thing that can get my focus off of God. its not like she does it intentionally, but i have a tendency to let her become more important than God in my life. and that is a HUGE no no.
she said "it's not a bad thing to be your weakness. That alone tells me how much you care. But, Chad, I want to be your strength and if that means you take that position at your old church and it takes time away from us or in 2 or 3 years you go off to seminary school - God did create weekends for a reason - I want to be here to support you through that."
she wants to be my strength and support. no one has ever told me anything like that before in my whole life. that one threw me for a loop.
so, we went out friday night. i drove to her house to pick her up and then ended up driving back by my house on the way to the movie theater. we made a pact to meet somewhere if we ever go to that theater again.
we went to see gladiator. awesome, awesome movie. the fight scenes were incredible. its always good to see people's heads being chopped off and their bodies split in two. the acting is really good too. just an all around awesome movie, and she's the one that picked it.
of course, her being the emotional person that she is, she cried about 15 times during the movie. i dont blame her though, there were some touching moments.
we flirted throughout the whole night. i even gave her a foot massage at one point during the movie.
after it was over, we went back to her new house. its kind of cool, if you come in the back door, you are in her room. it was about 12:30 when we got there, and i didnt leave until around 2:00.
and i kissed her.
well, she kissed me too.
actually, we sort of made out for a long time.
it was odd. i mean, of course it was incredible. i feel more comfortable with her, and especially that night, than i believe i have ever felt. it almost felt supernatural, like it wasnt really happening. almost like it was a dream or something.
and yet at the same time, i feel like i rushed it. bad. and i almost feel selfish for it because i know that i am not at all ready to take that next step back into a relationship again. i kind of feel like i cheated her.
we talked about it last night and she says that she's cool with it. i told her that if it happened again, it would be because she initiated it. she responded by asking me if i was busy this friday night.
yeah, she's funny like that.
i dont know what is going to happen next. but you'll be the first to know when it does.
anyway.
i still havent made my decision about that youth director job at my old church.
im leaning a lot more towards the positive than i was the last time i wrote about it though. after talking with my youth director about it and then talking with the preacher of the church about it, i feel like i could actually do it.
the only thing that is holding my decision up is time. i dont want to commit myself if i dont have the time to do it. i think i have a solution for that though. im thinking that i am only going to take two classes this summer, and that will free up a lot of my time. he told me that we could do it on a three month or six month basis. and then if i needed to leave after that, it would be fine. or if i wanted to stay after that, that would be fine too.
actually, to be honest with you. thats basically my decision. im just waiting on confirmation from God. maybe i shouldnt do that though. maybe i should just make that leap of faith and depend on Him to take care of the details. i dont know.
the funny thing is that my dad has almost completely changed his view on the whole thing. at first, he was strongly opposed to me even considering it. i dont think he even wanted me to talk to the man. see, he has a tendency to think that everything involves him, and well, sometimes it doesnt.
now he says that he will support me in whatever my decision is, but that he's worried that i dont get enough sleep as it is. and he's probably right.
again, i dont know what i am going to do, but you'll be the first to know.
i really just need a lot of prayer right now.