man, oh man, oh man.
when i started this journal, i decided not to talk about things from my past.
therefore, ex-girlfriends, ex-friends, and the story of my mom have been left out.
i think i mentioned jamie in the first or second entry and maybe one or two others, but thats all.
if you ask me if i have ever been in love, i would say yes, and jamie is the reason why.
i fell way too hard and way too fast for that girl. we only went out for about 8 months total, but even in that short a period of time, i started having thoughts of marrying her.
she was everything that i had ever looked for in a girl. she had it all. and the funny thing was that she felt the same way about me.
but something happened along the fairy tale road to happily ever after.
she realized that i really wasnt all that and a bowl of cherries. i had things about me that she didnt like, and that she couldnt live with.
so she quit trying to make it work. for months, i would call her and she wouldnt even talk to me. i would spend hours on end talking to her mother, pouring out to her what was left of my shredded little heart.
that was my biggest mistake in the whole relationship. i let her mother become my friend, and that, in turn, became a huge factor in the demise of the relationship.
when i finally decided that it wasnt worth it anymore, she came crawling back. and as bad as it hurt me, i had to let her go, in the hopes that one day it would work. i had to realize that if it was meant to be, then it wouldnt have been this hard.
you take things from relationships though, some good and some bad. and hopefully, if you're smart, you will learn a little more about what it is that you are looking for in a mate. and if you're really smart, you will learn a little more about yourself.
so chad, what did you learn from this relationship? and why are you wasting all of my time talking about something from your past, when you just got through saying that you werent going to talk about things from your past?
well, i learned to never let a relationship with a woman get in the way of my relationship with God. i learned that for a relationship to work, God has to be at the center. and probably most importantly, is that both people have to be actively pursing God first in their lives and living for Him.
thats what has been so cool about kayla. yeah, we get along on a physical and emotional level, but more than that, we get along on a spiritual level.
but, i digress.
why am i waisting all of your time telling you that? well basically, jamie stepped back into my life today.
apparantly, now she is working for a non-profit organization that the company that i work for is heavily involved in. so, she was doing some kind of work for an event today.
kinda confusing, but the point is that she was there. i dont know if she choose to be a part of it because she knew that i worked there, or if it was by chance.
i do know that when she got there, she asked the receptionist if i still worked there. and i do know that she came to see me on her lunch break. and i do know that i ended up talking to her for about 30 minutes. and probably the most shocking thing that i do know is that she is still interested.
and what i dont know is how i feel about that. i mean, i had to let her go when i didnt want to the first time. and i had to tell her no when she wanted to try again.
the really hard part is trying to figure out if this is God trying to put us together again, or if it is Satan trying to tempt me and pull me away from my relationship with God.
my brother ended up helping out with the work they were doing and talked to her. she told him that she had gone out with other guys, but that none of them made her happy like i did.
and i dont know what i feel about that either. if the majority of what we did was fight, then how did that make her happy?
this would be hard enough if i didnt have feelings for someone else. but the thing is, that i do. i mean, i dont really know where kayla and i stand, but i dont think that she would be real happy if i told her that i was going to go back out with my old girlfriend again.
i *dont* know what to do. this really pretty much sucks. im usually a pretty level-headed guy, but i am at a loss here.
i do know two more things.
wow chad, you really know a lot tonight. im really kind of proud of you.
shuddup.
the irony of that is that i just told myself to shut up.
anyway.
i know that part of me still loves her, and probably always will. and that scares me.
and i know that i am going to be doing some heavy praying about this one before any kind of decision is made.
again i ask, if you believe, please pray for me.