old letter

these are the moments
i thank God that im alive
these are the moments
i'll remember all my life
i've found all im waiting for
and i could not ask for more

- could not ask for more - edwin mccain

love, what a day.

someone at work brought their senior book in today and we were all looking at it. so, i made vance go home and get mine on his lunch break.

man, that thing brings back memories. some good and some bad.

since the majority of it is filled with pictures and other little things that remind me of sabrina, i was planning on writing about her.

i was going to talk about all the crap that she put me through and all that junk.

however, when i got home today after work, vance had mad a mess of stuff on my bed. all of the little momentos and things that i keep.

as i was trying to clean it all up, i saw a letter. not a typed letter, but an actual hand-written later. what a rarity that is becoming.

it was from jamie.

it was written on july 7, 1999, shortly after we broke up the first time.

along with the letter was a tape with that edwin mccain song on it. she said that that song explained the way she felt about me and that she was sorry that she didnt express that better before.

here are just a few excerpts from the letter:

'im doing pretty good these days except i miss you and your friendship. i am so sorry i took you for granted, please forgive me for that.'

'do you remember when you said you didnt want me to give up anything if i were to marry a preacher's wife (namely you)? i realize i would not be giving anything up because i would have the most important thing - you.'

'i know that God put us together. i have felt that and so have you from the very beginning.'

'please forgive me for all the hurt i have caused you. it tears me up inside to think about all the times i didnt talk to you. i guess i thought if i avoided negative things long enough, they would just go away.'

'i havent mentioned this, but im still so in love with you. i am also willing to put those feelings aside to be friends with you again.'

'i miss so much just telling you everyday things.'

'i never really thought i had that much to give, but now i know just how much i do have to give. i wish i could give it to you.'

'please pray about this, and know these are not just words on paper - they are feelings and truths from the bottom of my hear.'

please dont push me away - i just want to love you.'

wow.

absolutely breath-taking.

i read that, for probably the second time ever this afternoon, and i was speechless.

i remember the first time that i read it. the attitude and the reaction were quite different then.

i came out of class and there was an envelope under my windshield wiper. somehow, i knew it would be from her.

i opened it and read it. with a hardened, broken, angry heart, i read it.

i remember thinking that it was just words on paper. i remember reading it without noticing how much feeling and emotion and guts that it took to write it. i remember not caring.

but for some reason, i saved it. i dont know why, but i saved it.

and now...why am i finding it now? why in the middle of all of my confusion about my relationship with her? why when i want to love her but im trying not to? why now?

i do know that every thing happens for a reason, nothing is just coincedence. i do know that i have been praying about this.

i also know that God gave me incredible peace about writing my last entry. i had been having this heavy feeling of tension on me and when i finished that entry, it was gone.

i know that i look forward to the few minutes a day that i get to talk to her. and i know that she paged me and left a voice mail yesterday and it made my day.

people change. people grow. people mature.

people get their lives right with God and start listening to His will for their lives.

i dont know where this is going. i just know that i am going to completely submit to God's will, in all areas of my life. especially this one.

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