| unanswered questions |
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love, its really late, and i am really tired. why is it that when you are the tiredest (is that a word) and when you have a lot to write, your teachers want to keep you in class until the last possible minute. blah. anyway. there is a girl that is in the business school that looks so much like jamie that they probably have the same finger prints. its scary just how similar that they are. the main difference being that this girl is married it drives me nuts too. i find myself staring at her at from time to time. she will notice and look at me and i will turn away. she probably thinks that im some psycho stalker or something. jamie, jamie, jamie. im going to admit this, and this is really hard. as bad as i want not to, im starting to get feelings for her again. see, and that is just so confusing. i have no idea if it is time for me to be in a relationship or if she is the one or anything. and if she turns out not to be the one, then im going to feel like a big goof for writing to you about her. we've been talking more lately, and im seeing more and more of what she is growing to be. a lot of what she is and a lot of what she will become, looks a lot like what i have always wanted in a wife. i just dont know what to do. except pray. i'll be graduating in about a year. then, what? do i keep working here and take seminary extension classes at night? do i move away to new orleans or somewhere else to go to seminary? do i take that road trip around the u.s. that i have always wanted to take? do i get married? what if i put off my feelings and avoid the whole situation and go off to seminary? will i be happy? will she? will she be here when i get back? or what if she is the one? that throws a whole other monkey into the wrench. then, do we get married before i go off to seminary or not? or do i stay here and go to seminary? could i ask her to leave everything behind and move away with me? just so many questions that have to be answered in a relatively short period of time. and i dont have any of the answers. but i know the ONE that does. i wonder if she even knows. surely she does. but, yet, i dont know. i know that she has always thought that we would end up together...eventually. and a part of me has always thought that too, while another part rejects the very idea of it. this wasnt even supposed to be the main subject of this entry. i have so many other things that i want to tell you about. like, vance's car breaking down in the ghetto and the ensuing two and a half hour lecture and poem written. or my yearly review that happened at work today. and just a bunch of other stuff. but i think im done for the evening. i think i'll go home and think about all of this stuff. or maybe i'll just go home and watch 'spin city' and 'suddenly susan' and 'real t.v.' like im in the habit of doing. just another decision that i have to make. |
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