one stormy night

its dark...and windy. its going to rain, possibly even storm. they have tornado warnings out. i love the rain, and i love storms even more so. its the beauty of it that intrigues me.

i wonder how many other people are able to enjoy the beauty of a storm. or how many other people take the time to care.

since creating this journal, i have wondered why i do it. and i still dont have an answer to that. i never really wanted the people involved to read it, but i didnt mind anyone else diving right in and reading all about my personal life. i just didnt want to deal with them getting upset or hurt over something that i wrote about them. the problem is that if i tell someone about the journal, then there is a strong possibility that i know that person, and have written something about them. as of right now, the only two people that i know that read the journal are vance and kristal.

i just know that i have to do this. i dont know why. perhaps it has something to do with my creative personality. i have an overwhelming urge to create. whether it be in the form of art or music or poetry or literature. i must create.

i see things differently than most. i analyze all the little details of my life and think about how i would write about them, if i chose to write about them. i enjoy all the little things. maybe thats because nothing really big ever happens to me.

and so i write about the little things.

but then i read back over it, and it bores even me. and then again, it is very intriguing to me. its interesting to see how i felt about certain things that happen to me. or happen because of me. plus, this is a way for me to remember them.

anyway.

its a shame that things didnt work out with michele like i had hoped. i would really like to be a part of her life. and i would really like to be a part of chase's life. what can i say, the boy grabbed my heart.

this whole distant thing started with her last week. i wonder what caused it. maybe she found out about whats happening to me at work and decided that she didnt want to be with someone who is loosing their job. or maybe she has gotten serious with kratz again. or perhaps, and i shudder to think of this as an actual possibility, she never really wanted a relationship with me. perhaps all she wanted me for was something sexual, and when she realized that she was never going to get that from me, she decided that she didnt want anything at all. maybe she was just using me all along. who knows?

i held to my guns though. i went to work today and didnt try to email her or call her or even go by and visit her.

neither did she.

i know that she was there today because the one time that i did have to walk near her area, i heard her talking.

am i just being proud, or am i doing the right thing?

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footnote:

susan started work today.

joy.

i didnt really talk to her or do anything with her today. she is supposed to train with me tomorrow afternoon.

more joy.

anita asked me today why i never told her that i was leaving. i told her that i didnt want to make a big deal about it.

a lie.

she told me that sherry had told her and shea about it the monday that i took for vacation a couple of weeks ago. she told me that sherry said that the reason that i was leaving was because it would be easier on me, going to school full time, if i were back in customer service. anita is a smart woman, she doesnt believe that. but, as much as i wanted to tell her the truth, i didnt. i let it slide. she wanted to let me know that she and shea had no idea that all of this was going on. she's a good woman. im going to miss her.