26th June 2003

We see tens of thousands of fans packing the sold-out MCI Center in Washington DC.

JR: Welcome everybody to Wipeout. Tonight's gonna be one hell of a show tonight. We're gonna find out exactly what the last 3 matches of the Pay Per View are and in addition to that we're gonna hear Tiffany Clinton announce just what stipulations the match between Drok and Taz. I'm good ole JR joined tonight by none other than the Guru Victor Adams and one of the men who will challenge Kane and Drew Peterson at Mid Summer's Night Madness, the Olympic Gold medalist; Kurt Angle. Well Kurt, last week the other contender to the World title was running some commentary last week, you've got the mic tonight.

Kurt Angle: You're darn Right JR. But just so I can reach the level of announcing that Drew Peterson did, lemme get something.

Kurt Reaches under the table and pulls out a school dunce's cap and puts it on his head.

Kurt Angle: Now I'm exactly the same level of intelligence as Drew Peterson. Uh..... Duh!!! Duh!!!!! Duh!!!!! I'm southern.

VA: But at least you're not one of those fuckin' sleazy fatcats from Washington, counting their money every day.

The Washington crowd boos this comment as VA pressed a button to put his comment through the PA.

JR: Was that really called for?

VA: What I do?

Kurt Angle: You know, most people wouldn't eat a skunk. But not me cause I'm Drew Peterson. No honestly I'm not Drew Peterson and I wouldn't ever want to be him. I don't know what standards he lives by, but having to brush your back cause you're an inbred hick don't fall into Three I's.

VA: Man, I really thought you were as dull as fuckin' piss but you're a funny guy. Brush his back.

Kurt Angle: Thank you Victor. Tonight from what it says on the card here we've got my brother Eric Angle vs Gangrel vs Don Flamingo in the main event which should be a great prelude to me winning the UALW Championship at the Pay Per View.

JR: Boy, that match is gonna be a barnburner and no mistake. In addition to that match we're gonna see Rod Van Bam going up against a man who we haven't seen in the UALW for a long time, making his return; Hitman, formally of pOe.

VA: Blah blah fuckin' blah, just like always. Roidzilla's gonna put on a fuckin' clinic against Van Bam any by the sound of his promos, it's gonna be the Betty Ford Clinic.

JR: Quite. However, up first we've got the match between Tiffany Clinton and Kane against Victoria and Drew Peterson. Let's get to ringside.

Up in the ring we see a who's who in top level superstars. Kane and Tiffany on one side of the ring, Peterson and Victoria on the other. Mills Lane gives the instructions to both men before Tiffany Clinton chimes in.

Tiffany Clinton: Peterson, as per your signed contract, agreeing with your stipulations, if you so much as look at me in a way I don't like during this match, then you're disqualified from the match and you don't get your title shot that you were so willing to throw into Adams' face last week.

Drew: Fine. Victoria's more than able to kick your ass for me.

DREW PETERSON & VICTORIA VS. KANE & TIFFANY CLINTON

The match starts off with Kane and Peterson circling each other. The Two men then lock up in the middle of the ring, Kane easily getting the advantage. Kane forces his opponent down to the canvas. Drew gets back up quickly and they lock up again, and again Kane forces Drew down to the mat. Drew gets up once again but this time drives a hard headbutt into the gut of the big red machine, doubling him over before the number 1 contender leaps up and delivers a Fame-Asser.

After this big move Drew makes the cover, One, Two, Th- but not the Three on the world champion.

The Two stars then get up to their feet when at ringside we see Tiffany Clinton seemingly talking into an ear piece.

Drew pulls Kane up again when the Champ takes him by surprise and catches him with a stiff uppercut which sends Drew hurtling into the ropes but he rebounds back into the center of the ring again.

Drew is about to lock up yet again with Kane when out of the corner of his eye, he sees a man in riot gear taking Victoria off the apron and carrying her, kicking and screaming up the ramp. Drew sees this and immediately leaves the ring trying to stop her captor from escaping but he's too late. Drew stands at the top of the ramp as Mills Lane counts, 8, 9, 10!

WINNERS BY COUNT-OUT: KANE & TIFFANY CLINTON

After the match, Peterson standing at the top of the stage looks back down to the ring where we see Tiffany Clinton laughing her ass off. Drew then runs down the ramp towards the ring again when from nowhere, 4 armed guards in body armour step out, blocking Peterson's path.

Tiffany Clinton: Oh, how kind of you to have brought out my loving husband's latest line in Fellowship defence. The C-Troopers. Take him away men, I believe my husband has an errand to send him on.

The C-Troopers who are all as large and powerful looking as Kane himself escort Drew to the Presidential office.

Tiffany Clinton: And now, I'd like to call out Drok and the Extreme Champion; Taz.

After this Two C-Troopers bring Drok and Taz out each. They then get into the ring and watch Clinton's movements.

Tiffany: I've called you.... Raging beasts into my ring to tell you both what kind of match I've devised for you. Well, my husband and I. Anyway, I digress. There was only one way I could guarantee that at least one of you leave the arena in an ambulance, one way sick enough to take one of you possibly out of the game for life. A match so sick, and demented that nobody in the world, not even those psychos in Japan, or the dirty Mexicans DARE attempt it, however, you've both been signed to it already. So, you will be facing each other in non other than a Barbed Wire, House of Glass match. A Two story house made of glass will be constructed around the ring, on the inside AND outside of the house will be wrapped in Barbed Wire and each corner of the house will be loaded with C4 Explosives, which at a random point will be exploded simultaneously, sending the entire house crashing to the ground in a rain of deadly glass blades, each one sharp enough to impale you like a butterfly on a pin ready for display. And right in the middle of this, will be little old me. Dressed as the sexiest zebra you've ever seen. My husband has insisted however that I wear a protective Titanium Mesh costume which will protect me from any and all assaults, both from the House, and from you. Now, excuse me ladies, I must be going back to my sexy husband. Good day to you both.

And with that Clinton makes her way back up the ramp.

JR: My god! A Barbed Wire House of Glass match!!!!

VA: That's sick. I thought my House of Glass match was crazy but now there's C4 and Barbed wire to worry about. Fuckin' hell.

Kurt Angle: I knew there was a reason I didn't enter the extreme division for long.

In the ring we see the Big Red Machine Kane making his way to the announce position, a look in his eye of somebody about to eliminate some of the competition.

Kurt Angle: Oh crap.

And with that Angle throws the headset down and runs as Kane drives his fist through the table where Angle was.

JR: JESUS! Hellfire and Brimstone!

VA: Enough with the fucking brimstone crap. Move!

Kane throws the announce table over before he leaves and goes up the ramp.

JR: Well folks, while we get some carpenters down here to rebuild out table, lets take you to the Kelly Osbourne show.

Kelly Osbourne Singing: #Blah blah, blah-blah blah BLAH# It's the Kelly Osbourne show!!!

THE KELLY OSBOURNE SHOW

Kelly: (American Accent) Hey douchbags and welcome to the Kelly Osbourne show. (London Accent) YOU REALLY WANNA TAPE THIS KIDDIES. IT'S GONNA HAVE ALL YOUR FAVOURITES ON IT!

Kelly flips the camera off.

Kelly: Whoa, that was fun. Anyway douchbags, on my show tonight is one of the worlds most flamboyant performers, with an amazing voice. Sir Elton John. THAT DIRTY FUCKIN' GOBSHITE!

Elton John: Hello.

Kelly: You've got an amazing voice.

Elton John: That's very nice of you to say so, you disgusting fat bitch.

Kelly: I AIN'T FAT YOU MASSIVE CUNT! YOU WANNA GET CUT?! Roll the VT of your new ad campaign for the USPS.

We see Elton John next to a laptop in his house.

Elton John: You know me, I HATE PEOPLE! And that's why I use the Internet to shop. It's also bloody good for looking at dirty queens. Mmmmm.

Elton does some gay hand gestures.

Elton John: The only problem with shopping over the net is that I have to deal with the bloody postman.

We see a closeup of Elton.

Elton John: I hate the bloody postman, I WISH HE WAS DEAD!

Just then Elton's doorbell rings.

Elton John: Ah, that must be him now. I'M COMING FOR YOU MISTER POSTMAN!!!

The Shot changes to outside Elton's house where we see a delivery guy with a package in hand, the door then opens and a demented Elton John bursts through, foaming at the mouth.

Elton John: HELLO MISTER POSTMAN!!!!!!!!

Elton pulls an axe from behind his back and we see him swing it at the delivery guy.

Kelly: That was fun. Well Elton, you've been a good guest but now it's time for you to PISS OFF, YOU FUCKIN' QUEER! Just leave Elton, please, just leave. YOU MASSIVE CUNT! Join me next week for more fashion, gossip and Celebrity guests from the showbiz world of Kelly Osbourne, you douchbags.

JR: Welcome back folks, there we go. Kelly Osbourne with her chat show. Anyway folks, up next we've got one hell of a match, when Rod Van Bam takes on a man who might surprise us all in Hitman from pOe.

VA: Hey, I've heard that Clinton's got cuntboy from downsouth doin' some job, I think we should go to him.

JR: Victor, we've gotta get to the match.

VA: I said WE GO TO PEPPERPOT! Devin Kunn, if you don't fuckin' go to Pepperpot right fuckin' now I'm gonna get to the elec truck and fuck you up!

Tiffany Clinton's Private box.

Prez Clinton: Ah Peterson, come on in.

Drew Peterson: What have you done with her?

Prez C: I haven't done anything with her. But unless you stop all this..... mouthing off about the slavery clause in your contract, I'm afraid I'll have no choice.

Drew Peterson: You won't get away with this Clinton.

Prez C: I'm afraid I alwready have.

Drew: Alwready?

Peterson and Clinton look at each other for a second.

Prez C: What I meant to say was already. But that's not important. Take this key. Somewhere in the arena you'll find a man, speak to him, he has all the answers you need.

Peterson takes the key and leaves.

Prez C: Oh, and Drew, one of the legs on my wife's bed is slightly shorter than the others, so I'll be expecting you in our office to hold the short leg stable. We're gonna need the bed as stable as we can get, you understand.

Drew: Please no.

Prez C: Get out.

JR: Welcome back folks, I can't believe Clinton. First he wants Drew to find somebody somewhere in the arena, then he wants Drew to hold up a short leg on his bed while he and his wife have sex. Clinton's gone too far.

VA: Lighten up JR. Roll VT.

JR: What VT?

VA: You mean the match isn't VT?

JR: No! The match is live.

VA: Ah. Never mind. Cancel that VT.

JR: *Sigh*

VA: Oooo, There is no VT. You know, I hate that kid. Fuckin' Spoon-lover.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

HITMAN VS. ROD VAN BAM

RVB dives into the ring and takes Hitman's feet out from under him. From there he climbs up the pOe opponent and starts pounding his face UFC style with punches. Hitman then throws him off before RVB bounces into the ropes and delivers the Rolling Lightning. Van Bam then pulls Hitman up to his feet and slaps him across the face, rocking him back, RVB then starts to emulate his favorite star; The Rock and delivers another slap and another, he then spits on his hand before dealing a devastating slap which sends Hitman flying into the corner. RVB then starts to parade around the ring for a while before he goes into the corner and proceeds to pile some heavy, quick boots to the chest of his pOe opponent.

RVB then bounces off the ropes again and delivers a quick legdrop which puts Hitman down hard. RVB looks up at the clock and sees that the match has already been on for 5 minutes. So he feels it's time to end this slaughter so he jumps up onto the top rope and delivers a huge Van Bam Slam (5 Star). He rolls around on the mat in pain after the impact but then makes the cover and gets the One, Two, Three.

WINNER BY PINFALL: ROD VAN BAM

Just after the match, who should step out through the curtain but the man who we believed to be injured over the last month; The Ratings Spike; Chris Storm. Storm climbs into the ring and steps up to Rod Van Bam who's holding his stomach as he stands up.

Storm: You think your Five Star is better than my Six star?

Rod Van Bam: Yeah man. But hey, it's cool. Your Six Star is pretty cool too. It's all good stuff man.

Storm: Yeah? It's all cool is it Rod? Huh?

Storm shoves Van Bam. Van Bam shoves Storm back.

Rod Van Bam: Why don't we settle this at Mid Summer's Night Madness?

Storm: Yeah, why not?

Just then "Canadian Badass" plays over the PA and another returning superstar; Shane Adams makes his way out through the curtain.

Great One: Hey, Hey, Hey. If there's one thing we can all agree aboot is that I'm aloot better than the booth of you eh.

Storm: No Shane, we can't agree with that.

Great One: Well, hows aboot, since Rod there's already got a match at the Pay Per View why don't we change that challenge to you against me eh?

Rod Van Bam: Did he just say Meh?

Storm: *Sigh*. You're on Shane. And the winner gets a shot at Rod Van Bam for the IC title at Ring Generals.

Great One: If he's still got the belt. Roidzilla's gonna tear him up I'm oot of here.

JR: My God! It looks like Shane Adams is gonna make his in-ring return to the UALW at Mid Summer's Night Madness against the Ratings Spike; Chris Storm. That should be an awesome match right there folks.

VA: Shane's right. Roidzilla is gonna tear Van Bam up.

Backstage.

We see Drew Peterson running his errand for Clinton, walking through a hall of doors with one door at the end.

Elsewhere.

We see a picture of the door Peterson had just walked up to as the camera zooms out and we see that it's really on a TV screen. A Pen-like item which seems to be a remote control is being held by somebody who's mostly off screen when Drew Peterson walks in the door and into a white room who's walls are covered in dozens of TV screens, each one showing Peterson's movements.

Drew: Who are you?

The man then turns around in his chair, a grey beard, white hair, a beautiful white suit.

Drew: I suppose you're some sort of architect.

Man: Quite the opposite. I'm a Colonel Sanders look-a-like. Ergo I am here when I shouldn't be, and so are you. However, you may refer to me as the Architect.

Drew: What am I doing here?

Architect: You, are the result of a systemic anomaly resulting in Clinton's mind being too bound within the walls of perfection, resulting in his state's downfall.

Drew: What?

Architect: Ergo.

Drew: Why did you say that?

Architect: What I said in the eventuality is of no consequence. Ergo nothing of what anybody says is of any consequence after the contrataunt and vis e' vet.

Drew: Why do you keep saying Ergo?

Architect: It makes me sound cool. But what is important is that you were created to restore Clinton's otherwise perfect state to order, however recently you have been..... somewhat distracted.

The screens show pictures of Victoria.

Drew: Victoria!

Architect: You see? Pussy-whipped.

Drew: What have you done with her you freak?

Architect: All will be revealed in good time, Erg-

Drew: Listen you.

Architect: Ergo! Don't disagree with the vocabulary. When did you last put the word Ergo into a sentence!?

Drew: I don't have time for this.

Peterson leaves the door and goes back to his normal business.

Architect: Don't choose that door! That's the door to continued slavery which will ultimately result in the destruction of self. Oh well. At least I have hot-wings.

JR: Welcome back folks. I don't know what that was, but it was strange and no mistake.

VA: Did you know you've got like 10 phrases that you always say?

JR: I do not.

VA: The Queen of England is a cunthair.

JR: BISCHOFF!

VA: See?

JR: I was hoping nobody would notice.

VA: We'll be back after our sponsors do their blah blah fuckin' blah.

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We see Drok sitting in a chair, his wife laying next to him on the floor.

Drok: Fuck you. Nothing goes better with a Dud than Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance.

Dudeweiser
What you looking at you dudless wonder?!

JR: Welcome back again everyone. Coming up next is the last episode in the Electrifying Reality TV Show; All About the Bennington. Which will be available on 3-Disc DVD from next week.

P-Diddy, P-Pappa, Pappa-Diddy-pop: So you wanna be bawler, shotcaller, Brawler, you'll be livin' down in the squaller, It's all about the Bennington what!

ALL ABOUT THE BENNINGTON

Episode 8: IT'S THE FINAL COUNT-DOWN, DUDUDUUDUU, DUDUDUDU-DU.

We see Linkin Park finishing off their set at a small-town show. Bennington goes to the wings before ordering the rest of the band who are still waving to the crowd to get backstage.

Chester: SHINODA! I want you!

Shinoda: Yes sir?

Chester: Get me...... I can't remember his name. The Other one, Mr.Hahn and the other, other one. The one who plays the...... Bass.

Shinoda: Yes sir.

The shot changes to a group shot of Linkin Park.

Chester: I don't believe that this tour has gone as well as our Hybrid Theory tours and there's only one person to blame here. All of you. So, from now on, you're all fired. This ends your stint as Linkin Park members, but never fear, I will still allow you to serve me and live in my yard while I'm on tour with BETTER AND MORE TALENTED MINDSLAVES!

Shinoda: Since there's more of us, can we still keep the name; Linkin Park?

Chester: NO! The Linkin Park name dies with me. Now Shinoda, you may get on your hands and knees while I ride you back to my dressing room.

Shinoda gets up and turns around to walk away.

Chester: #Don't turn your back on me, I WON'T BE IGNORED!!!!#

It's with this comment that Mike Shinoda gets enraged and jumps Bennington as the two struggle for his Millennium Rod.

Chester: It's my Millennium Rod! No!!!

Shinoda: GIVE IT TO ME!!!

Shinoda eventually overpowers Bennington and grabs the rod and starts smacking Chester around the head with it.

Chester: You're bonking me. *Sigh*

JR: We're back folks, Well, up next we've got the main event tonight which is a Triple Threat between Gangrel, Don Flamingo and Eric Angle. I've just heard word that, as long as Victoria has been recovered from whoever's currently holding her, she'll be facing Bathori. It'll be interesting to see this new lady in action.

VA: Can I book a match?

JR: Well, I don't really book the mat-

VA: We're gonna see Mason against Ryan Darke. Fuckin' Awesome.

JR: You heard it here first folks, Ryan Darke against Mason.............. Awesome.

VA: Don't say Awesome.

JR: Let's take yall to the main event.

TRIPLE THREAT

GANGREL VS. ERIC ANGLE VS. DON FLAMINGO

All Three men circle each other in the center of the ring. Don and Gangrel then turn both their attentions to Angle.

Meanwhile, outside the ring we see Kurt Angle make his way out to the ringside area to support his brother.

In the ring, Gangrel and Don Flamingo are going twos on a bastard as they reet kick the shit out of Angle. Gangrel pulls Angle across his knee while Flamingo climbs up to the second rope and drives a stiff elbow into the throat of the Feared Foursome member. Don tries to make the cover but Gangrel breaks the pinfall attempt.

Don: What are you doing? I had him.

Gangrel: I don't know what kinda crap you're tryin' to pull punk but I'm gonna be winning this match.

Don: Yeah? Says who?

Gangrel: Says me and says the delicious taste of Naya Natural Spring Water.

Gangrel attacks Flamingo and the two immediately start throwing fists at each other as Eric rolls out of the ring where his brother Kurt gives him a bottle of water to refresh himself with.

While this is happening, the UALW Champion; Kane stalks out to the ring.

Meanwhile, in the ring All Three men are now brawling, none of them seemingly getting a real advantage over any other until Gangrel kicks Don in the gut and drives him into the mat with The Embrace. He makes the cover when Eric kicks Gangrel in the back to break the cover. Which causes them both to launch attacks at each other again as Don lays motionless in the ring.

After this little exchange, Drew Peterson walks out, washing his hands with a wet rag after apparently being "leg stabilizer" on the Clintons' sexbed.

The match is hardly the scientific clinic it could be with Flamingo and Angle in the ring as they seem to adopt Gangrel's brawling style. Each man more or less just delivering punches and kicks. Eric then grabs Gangrel by the arm and delivers the Angle Slam. He is also about to make the cover when Kane reaches into the ring and pulls referee; Ed Whytikiman out of the ring and nails him in the face with a hard right hand. Once he's out cold Kane jumps into the ring and drills Angle in the spine with a stiff elbow. It's at this time that the entire match falls apart at the seams as Kurt Angle and Drew Peterson also slide into the ring and start beating the hell out of their opponents.

Kane grabs Drew around the throat and is about to deliver a Choke Slam when Kurt Angle brings a fist between Kane's legs, doubling him over as earlier. Kurt then grabs Kane's ankle and pulls him into the Ankle Lock Submission. Kane screams in pain as the legal men in the match continue to fight. Drew Peterson regains his composure after the choke and moves Angle out of the way so he can lock the Filibuster in on Kane, once the hold is applied, Angle moves to a different position and applies a variation on his Ankle Lock Submission and Kane starts tapping out on the mat. Ed Whytikiman gets up to his knees and looks into the ring where he sees that the match has gone beyond a joke and throws it out.

THIS MATCH IS DEEMED A TRIPLE DISQUALIFICATION

JR: KANE IS TAPPING OUT!!!!! KANE IT TAPPING OUT TO THE DOUBLE SUBMISSION!!!!! COULD THIS BE AN OMEN!!?!?!?! MY GOD!!!!!!! THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT TIME FOR TONIGHT, FOR KURT ANGLE AND VICTOR ADAMS, GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY WE'LL SEE YALL AT MID SUMMER'S NIGHT MADNESS!!!!!

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