House And Home With Jeff And Terry's Master Builders

Jane (Jane), Rob (Jeff), Santo (Terry)

Jane: Hello and welcome to House And Home. Tonight I'm speaking with Jeff and Terry Bailey of Jeff and Terry's Master Builders. And they're going to tell us all about their home cladding. Welcome Jeff and Terry.
Jeff: G'day Jane.
Terry: G'day Jane.
Jane: Alright, would you like to tell us a little bit about your cladding.
Jeff: Well, the benefits are pretty obvious Jane. Unlike wood or vinyl cladding, these quality polystyrene claddings will never crack, they never crack.
Terry: Nah, they warp.
Jeff: But crackings the one you gotta worry about.
Terry: Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Jane: Excuse me, but, um, did you say they warp.
Terry: No, no, no, no.
Jeff: I didn't say that. Only if you leave 'em out in the sun they warp.
Terry: Yeah, yeah.
Jeff: They wobble a bit too. What else is there?
Terry: They're fire resistant.
Jeff: Fire resistant.
Jane: Oh that's a good advantage.
Terry: Yeah, but if you put them too close to a flame they burn like buggery.
Jeff: Yeah, but hang on.
Terry: What.
Jeff: Wait a second.
Terry: What.
Jeff: You can hose 'em down.
Terry: Oh yeah, you can hose 'em down.
Jeff: Don't alarm our clients unnecessarily.
Terry: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you. In fact, when they're on fire, we recommend hosing down.
Jeff: We recommend it. And also, you need never have to paint again.
Terry: Yeah, you need never have to paint, but you should to avoid your home looking shithouse.
Jeff: In fact, if you do paint, these specially developed colour computers that we made tell you how it will look. (holds up what kind of looks like a bad kalidiscope) I'm looking at my house, there's blue, now it's green, now it's purple. (spins it really fast)
Terry: I'm dizzy, I'm dizzy.
Jane: 'Scuse me guys. Now, can you tell me a little bit about your business.
Terry: Why..
Jeff: Who told you to ask that.
Jane: No, I just thought it would be a good opportunity to let all the viewers at home find out a little bit more about your business, that's all.
Jeff & Terry: Oohh.
Jane: Ok, so how long have you been in the business?
Terry: Oh, um, it's quite interesting that you say that, because next week marks our first week in the business. Actually, it's not a business...
Jeff: No, it's not a business. I must pick you up on that Terry. You often make that mistake.
Terry: I often fall into that trap.
Jeff: It's not a business.
Terry: It's not a business. What did that guy at Consumer Affairs call it?
Jeff: A scam.
Terry: It's a scam.
Jeff: You see, it goes business, scam, corporation. It's very highly regarded.
Jane: I'm sorry, that doesn't sound very reputable.
Jeff & Terry: Oi! Oi! Hey! Hang on!
Jeff: Don't use that tone with us. There's other shows we can go on. We've been on other television. We don't need House And Home.
Jane: Don't knock my show.
Terry: Hey, I tell you what, you know that house extension show, you know that one with Maggie Taberar.
Jane: Yes, the Home Show.
Terry: The Home Show, yeah, we've been on the show after that.
Jeff: The Investigators. They did a whole special on us. That Helen Wellings is a very beautiful woman.
Terry: You may remember me. I was the guy that did this. (runs to camera, covering it with his hands)
Jeff: And I was doing that. (covers his face with his jacket)
Jane: Ok guys, look I'm sorry, we're running out of time, so why don't you tell us a little bit about your new offer.
Jeff: OK, actually, I'll give you my card. Oh, actually Terry, hold on to that. (gives Terry a gun)
Terry: OK, thanks.
Jeff: OK, herre's your card. Actually I want that back at the end too thanks. Now, for this month only, we'll clad your entire home, with colour computer thrown in, no profit margin, no fat on the top, just bare bones, cost, for um, six..
Terry: No, make it nine.
Jeff: Nine thousand dollars. And for this month only we'll do two for the price of one.
Terry: Yeah, but the price of that one is doubled.
Jeff: And all our work comes with a money back guarantee.
Terry: Yeah, once you hand over your money, we guarnatee not to give it back.
Jeff:That's a guarantee, that's iron clad, that's a real guarantee.
Jane: Surely there's a cooling off period though.
Terry: Hey, shut up. (brandishes gun at audience)
Jeff: Somehow I knew you were goign to ask that question. There is a fourteen day cooling off period.
Terry: But that starts fourteen days before you sign the contract.
Jeff: Has to start there.
Jane: OK, now do you have any, I knew I'd forget that word.
Jeff: What are you talking about?
Jane: Testimonials.
Terry: Oh, references.
Jeff: References.
Jane: References and testimonials.
Jeff: Yes we do. Oh no we don't.
Terry: No, we don't. Cos they're all being given in court at the moment, like against us. Evidence.
Jeff: Evidence, testimony...Oh, we've got one.
Terry: Oh, we've got one.
Jeff: Can we have a look at what one of our many satisfied customers had to say.
Terry: Have a look at this guy.

(Video) Man: I couldn't be happier with Jeff and Terry's Master Builders. My house has never looked, never looked better. Is that right Jeff?
(Jeff's voice from off camera) Yeah, that's great Dad.

Jeff: So ring now.
Terry: So ring right now. No, no, no.
Jeff: Our operators are..what, what, what.
Terry: Don't ring right now.
Jeff: Why?
Terry: Cos Mum's gone out for tonight.
Jeff: Alright, so ring tomorrow.
Terry: Yeah, but after ten am, cos she likes to sleep in.
Jane: Gentlemen, thank you very much for coming in tonight.
Jeff: Oh, just before you go Jane.
Terry: Yeah, just before you go, dont' rush it, don't rush us.
Jeff: If someone gives you a quote, and it's cheaper than ours, you just bring it into us, tell us who gave it to you..
Terry: Yeah, what his phone number is, where he works, where his children go to school.
Jeff: We'll fix him up really quick smart.
Jane: Thankyou very much again for coming in.
Jeff: Oh, stop, stop.
Jane: Must we.
Jeff: Wait, I must check something.
Jane: What.
Jeff: Let me look at your set.
Jane: No, it's fine as it is, don't..
Jeff: Jane, that is looking very shabby. Given the chance, we will show you how good our stuff really looks.
Terry: You take this. Excuse me.
Jeff: I'll take these Jane. Excuse me.
Terry: Excuse me. Get rid of that. (bashes sign out the way)
Jane: Careful of my sign.
Jeff: Here we go.
Terry: I'll hold this.
Jeff: No wait Jane, I think you'll be impressed.
Jane: No, no, I really think you should leave the...
Jeff: I think you'll be impressed. (rips part of the set off the wall)
Jane: Excuse me.
Jeff: I think you'll be impressed. (bashes more of the set)
Terry: Ok, here's the cladding Jeff. There's the cladding.
Jeff: (holds it up against the wall) There Jane. And the colour computer.
Terry: The colour computer. (holds it in front of the camera)
Jane: I'm looking.
Terry: See.
Jeff: Ooh, very impressive.

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