or - How Not To Be Vulgar, Obscene and Impure

Banish the use of the four-letter word
Whose meanings are never obscure
The Anlges and Saxons those bawdy old birds
Were vulgar, obscene and impure
But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase
That never says quite what you mean
You'd better be known for your hypocrite ways
Than be vulgar, impure or obscene.

When nature is calling, plain speaking is out
When ladies, God bless 'em, are milling about
You may wee-wee, make water or empty the glass
You can "powder your nose" even "Johnny" may pass
"Shake the dew off the lily", "see a man 'bout a dog"
Or when everyone's soused it's "condensing the fog"
But be pleased to remember if you would know bliss
That only in Shakespeare do characters ....

When your dinners are hearty with onions and beans
With garlic and claret and bacon and beans
Your bowels get busy distilling a gas
That nature insists be permitted to pass
You are very polite and try to exhale
Without any noise or odour (you frequently fail)
Expecting a zepher, you usually start
And it finishes up as a bloody great ....

You may speak of a "movement" or "sit on the seat"
Have a passage or stool - or simply excrete
Or say to the others "I'm going outback"
And groan in sheer joy in that smelly old shack
YOu can "go lay a cable" or "do number two"
Or "sit on the tooty" or "do a do-do"
But ladies and men who are socially fit
Under no provocation will go for a ....

A woman has bosoms, a bust or a breast
Those lily white swellings that bulge 'neath her vest
They are "towers of ivory", "sheaves of new wheat"
In a moment of passion "ripe apples to eat"
You may speak of her nipples as small rings of fire
with hardly a thought of raising her ire
But as sure as you're born she's a cert to throw fits
If you refer to them bluntly as "a good set of ...."

It's a cavern of joy we are talking of now
A warm tender field just waiting the plow
It's a quivering pigeon caressing your hand
Or the national anthem that makes us all stand
Or perhaps it's a flower, a grotto or well
The hope of the world or a velvety hell
But friend heed this warning, beware the affront
You'll most certainly get if you call it a ....

Though a lady repel your advances
Just so long as you hint to what's ojn your mind
You may tell her you're hungry, you need to be swung
You may ask her to see how your etchings are hung
You may mention the ashes that need to be hauled
Put a lid on her saucepan ("lay") isn't too bald
But the moment you're forthright get ready to duck
For she'll certainly swing one if you ask for a ....

So banish the words that Elizabeth used
When she was a queen on the throne
The modern maid's virtue is easily bruised
By the four-letter words that are known
Let your morals be loose as an aldermans vest
So long as the language you use is obscure
Today not the ACT but the WORD is the test
Of the vulgar, obscene or impure.

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