The British Are Coming!

Ok, British comedy. Gee, who would have thought they could be funny? *L* Not me. And I hope my Grandpa never sees that. Let's see, what do I like?

It is my favourite show, most definitely.

Marooned

Rimmer: Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.

(After having to eat dog food)
Lister: Well, now I know why dogs lick their testicles - it's to take away the taste of their food.

Dimension Jump

Ace: Smoke me a kipper...I'll be back for breakfast.

Holly: Purple Alert! Purple Alert!
Lister: What's a purple alert?
Holly: Well, it's sort of not as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert. More a mauve alert...

Back To Reality

Cat (as Duane Dibbley): So this is really me: a no-style gimbo with teeth the Druids could use as a place of worship.

Psirens

Lister: I drink, I smoke, I have curry sauce for breakfast? Raw onions on my cereal? I sound like some barely human grossed-out slime ball.
Kryten: Oh excellent Sir. It's all flooding back then?

White Hole

Talkie Toaster: How 'bout a muffin?
Lister: We want no muffins, no toast, no tea cakes, no buns, baps, bagets, or bagels. No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes, and no hot cross buns. And definitely no smegging flapjacks!
Talkie: Aahh, so you're a waffle man!

Quarantine

Rimmer: Is anything amiss?
Lister: No, nothing's amiss.
Rimmer: Nothing is amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress, and army boots, and you don't think anything is amiss?

Future Echoes

Cat: I'm gonna eat you little fishy,
I'm gonna eat you little fishy,
I'm gonna eat you little fishy,
cos I like eating fish.

The Last Day

Kryten: No Silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?

Demons And Angels

Holly: Rude Alert! Rude Alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: this is not a daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.

For some more quotes,look here

Darling we're the young ones, the young ones, shouldn't be afraid....I think it was these guys who helped shape my sense of humour when I was little. *L* Does that tell you something?

Ric: I didn't know your Mum worked in a bar Vyvyan.
Vyv: Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her.
Neil: That's funny. She doesn't look strong enough.

(Mike walks into the room carrying a fish)
Mike: What's this?
Vyvyan:It's a fish Mike.
Mike: Right, thanks. (goes out, but comes back in) No, I meant to say, what's this fish doing in my bed?
Vyvyan: It's not in your bed Mike. (Mike goes out again)
(Later - Mike comes in again, this time with his hands empty)
Mike: What's this fish doing in my bed?
Vyvyan: Err, what fish Mike?

I'll put more in soon.

Lord Flashheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she like's the taste of a man's tonsils.

Lord Flashheart: I've got a plan, and it's as hot as my pants!

Baldrick: I have a cunning plan.

Manuel: Que?

The Builders

Sybil: Do try and be agreeable this weekend Basil. Now, have I got everything?
Basil: (pianissimo) Handbag, knuckle-dusters, flick-knife...

The Wedding Party

(At the bar, Sybil laughs)
Basil: Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.

The Germans

Basil: Give it to me, give it to me.
(he rushes for the phone, falling over Manuel who is still messing about behind the desk)
Polly: (on phone to Sybil) No, he just fell over Manuel...and he seems to have got himself jammed under the swivel chair...and the flowers have just fallen on him...no, everything else is fine.

Want some more?

Here ya go

Red Dwarf Drinking Game
Red Dwarf Link Page
The Young Ones Scripts
Fawlty Towers
Back to Comedy Front Page
Back to Main Page