A MELANGE OF MY FAVOURITES
LETTER TO THE HOTEL DIRECTOR
Dear Signore Direttore,
Now I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a- younga man at your hotella. When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to reception and say " I wanta shit". They tell me "go to toilet". I say, "No I wanta shit in my bed".They say "You better not shit in you bed, you sonna-wa-bitch".What is sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast: "I wanta piss".She tell me:"Go to toilet". I say: " No no I wanta piss on my plate".She tell me,"You bloody wella not piss on the plate you sonna-wa-bitch".
This is the second person who does not even know me calla me "sonna-wa-bitch", and why is your staff replaying "go to toilet, is that a modern tella? I do no understand, please tella me!
Later I go for dinner in your restorante.Spoon and knife is laid out but no fock. I tella waitress: " I wanta fock" And she tell me, "sure everyone wanta fock". I tella her,"no no you don't understand, I want a fock on the table."So you wonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table?Get you ass out of here.How come this hotel tella guest in such bed manners?
So I go to receptione and ask I no wanta stay in this hotel no more.When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me,"thank you and piss on you".I say," Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch, I now go back to my country".
Direttore,I never gonna stay in your hottella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.
QUOTE - OLIVER WENDELL
It is the province of the knowledge to speak. It is the province of wisdom to listen.
WHO WAS THAT?
A father and his son were travelling by car to hill station. On the way,on a hairpin bend the car skid, careened and fell into the ravine below. Soon, the car burst into flames. The father died on the spot. The son was seriously injured.Some passersby who witnessed the accident rushed to the wreckage.The son was moved to a nearby hospital.At the hospital it was diagnosed that the son had suffered from a very serious brain injury and that only a very complicated neurosurgery could save the son's life.
Only one neurosurgeon in the country was qualified to perform this complicated neurosurgery.The hospital authorities contacted this neurosurgeon and requested the neurosurgeon to rush to the hospital.The neurosurgeon chartered an aircraft and reached the hospital and rushed to the operation theatre.
On seeing the boy on the theatre bed the neurosurgeon exclaimed "oh my son!"
Who was the nureosurgeon? Why did the nureosurgeon call the boy "son"?
If you haven't reasoned the answer contact me.
MIND BENDER - I
There are 3 bulbs in the first floor of the building.There is one switch per bulb.Switches are located in the ground floor of the building. Whether the bulbs are on or off can be known only by going to the first floor i.e. light from the bulbs is not visible from the ground floor.Switches to the bulbs are not in the same order as the bulbs. You have to identify which switch belongs to which bulb under the following conditions:
- you may go to the first floor only once.
- you have no assistants
- you may operate the switches as many times as you wish.
If you don't get that flash of light,contact me.
There are 10 machines in a factory.Each machine is programmed to produce gold coins of 1 gram each. One of the machines is faulty and produces gold coins of less than 1 gram.Using a weighing balance only once, you have to identify which is the defective machine. If you need any clarifications or the answer,contact me.
In the fall geese head south for winter flying along in the "V" formation. You may be interested in knowing what science has discovered about why they fly that way. It has been learned that as each bird flaps its wings, it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following.By flying in a "V" formation, the whole flock adds at least 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own. People who are part of a team and share a common direction to get where they are going quicker and easier, because they are travelling on the trust of one another. Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go through it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the power of the flock. If we have as much sense as a Goose, we will share information with those who are headed the same way we are going. When the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the wing and another goose takes over. It pays to share leadership and take turns doing hard jobs. The geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep their speed. Words of support and inspiration help energize those on the front line, helping them to keep pace in spite of the day-to-day pressures and fatigue. Finally, when a goose gets sick or is wounded by a gunshot and falls out, two geese fall out of the formation and follow the injured one down to help and protect him. They stay with him until he is either able to fly or until he is dead, and then they launch out with another formation to catch up with their group. If we have the sense of a Goose, we will stand by each other when things get rough. The next time you see a formation of geese, remember... It is a reward, a challenge and a previlege to be a contributing member of a team. .
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate
father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.
The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor, it's fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er.., um.., ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?
....Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families,their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service,where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate,the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window.The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside.Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue. . . .There is tremendous happiness in making others happy,despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy."Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."
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