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Lighthearted Scenes Created For Albert By His Fans

Albert had a wonderful sense of humor, but he very rarely had a chance to show it to us. Let's be his script writers and give him some roles that he could've really had fun with!

KLAUS D. HAISCH put words to the Jed Clampitt ballad as the theme to lead into this little anthology. (Just chalk the extra syllables up to "artistic license".)

Ballad of Albert

Come and listen to a story about a man named Al,
A poor Finnish kid, but he could be a real pal.
One day he was actin', this pride of the Finnish nation,
And for "Karamazov" he got an Academy Award nomination.
Oscar that is-- statue of gold, Hollywood glitter.

Well the first thing you know, Al's the actor with the most,
Lee Strasberg said, "Leave New York, move to the West coast!"
Leaving the live theatre was Albert's big decision,
Moved to Hollywood, became a star in movies and television.
Albert films-- "Lost in Space," "something big."

Albert’s fans ANNA BUMBERG and FRANK RAYMOND had an interesting discussion, after having read some of the fan-fic below. They were thinking that Albert could single-handedly settle the issue of actors’ residuals for work done in the 1960s. Well, maybe not Albert the real person, but six of his characters could. (And, you’ve got to admit, that would be a well-matched fight.)

FRANK: Feathersmith the producer vs. Albert the actor and SAG member! That would be interesting.

ANNA: Yeah, especially if feisty ol' Sam Gallatin joins in the fight, too.

FRANK: Whoops. Feathersmith is outnumbered. What wealthy character did Albert play, that would side with Feathersmith?

ANNA: Oh, Gil Thurman would. He was the naughty owner of an oil-refinery in "Dallas". As Albert got older and more distinguished looking, he came to look like the perfect millionaire. Another of his wealthy characters was William Thurman Wilson in "Trapper John, MD".

FRANK: Gil Thurman & William Thurman Wilson? Is there any reason he had this name twice, for different characters?

ANNA: Wilson was a Howard Hughs-type guy. Even though he appeared in only the last 15 minutes or so of "Trapper John", his was such a memorable character. Golly, he did that so well!

FRANK: Okay! The battle lines are drawn!

Representing the producers (management) we have...
-Mr. William J. Feathersmith
-Gil Thurman
-William Thurman Wilson

Representing the actors (labor) we have...
-Sam Gallatin
-Brother Thaddeus (because it's a worthy cause)
-Jonny Cobb (cause he LOVES a good fight!)

Let the 6-man battle royal begin! It's a no-holds-barred Texas Lumberjack rassling match. A wrestler can only be eliminated by being thrown out of the ring over the top rope!

ANNA: I'll bet Brother Thaddeus will end up being the only one left in the ring. He likes to pick guys up and throw them.

FRANK: ... and, while the other wrestlers brought metal folding chairs into the ring to hit their opponents over the head with, Brother Thaddeus brought in a 10-foot-long, 8x8 section of lumber! LOL

ANNA: LMHO!!!!!!

FRANK: The other wrestlers object. Brother Thaddeus says, "This is a lumberjack match! Using lumber is legal!" He wins! Labor (SAG) has won out over management. Brother Thaddeus makes the leader of the SAG shake hands with the leader of management, Mr. Feathersmith. Then Brother Thaddeus says, "Why, bless ya. Bless ya both!"

How about letting Albert make a guest-starring appearance on "The Beverly Hillbillies"? Better yet, let his character be the one he made so memorable in "The Twilight Zone" - tycoon Bill Feathersmith. KLAUS wrote a skit with this in mind:

Buddy Ebsen .... Jed Clampett
Irene Ryan .... Granny Daisy Moses
Donna Douglas .... Elly May Clampett
Max Baer Jr. .... Jethro Bodine
Raymond Bailey .... Milburn Drysdale
Nancy Kulp .... Miss Jane Hathaway

The Ballad of Jed Clampett -- REVISITED
Original Air Date: 1962 (CBS, same network as the Twilight Zone)

"Then one day he was shootin' at some food,
And up through the ground came a-bubblin' crude.
Oil that is-- black gold, Texas tea."

Well the first thing you know ol' Jed's a millionaire-- he thinks!

JED CLAMPETT: "Granny! Elly May! Jethro! Come here! I struck oil! We're all gonna be rich."

One week later, at their Beverly Hills mansion...
Knock on the door. They open the door, a tough-looking businessman, about age 22, bulldozes his way in...

MR. FEATHERSMITH: "Hold it! Hold it right there, Clampett!"
ELLY MAY: "Who's that?"
GRANNY: "Why, it looks like Bill Feathersmith's grandson-- if he had a grandson, that is."
FEATHERSMITH: "It's me, it TIS! William J. Feathersmith. It just so happens I know you secured a loan. A loan payable upon demand."
(Well now, Albert, the ultimate craftsman, pauses a few moments while the audience laughs.)
FEATHERSMITH (interrupting with a booming voice): "I bought up that loan! I paid $1,400 for the Clampett farm."
ELLY MAY: "Fourteen hundred dollars? But that oil is worth..."
FEATHERSMITH: "About 200 million bucks! How's that for a shocker to end the day? Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha."
JED CLAMPETT: "You won't get away with this, Feathersmith."
FEATHERSMITH: "I already have! Now, you and your hillbilly family have 30 seconds to clear out of MY mansion. And then, I'll send some painters to the Clampett Oil Company and have them cross out the name Clampett! Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha."

The Beverly Hillbillies pack up everything they still own (and that's not much) into their old, beatup car.
JED CLAMPETT: "Take one last look-- then we're leavin' here forever, goin' back to the farm."
ELLY MAY: "Uh, Paw, we don't have a farm to go back to. They turned that into the oil field that Mr. Feathersmith bought, remember?"
JED CLAMPETT: "That's right. I forget."
JETHRO: "What we gonna do now?"
JED CLAMPETT: "We still got this here car. We'll drive back, and then live in this car. It's big enough to hold us-- seein' how we ain't got nothin' in the world anymore, anyhow."
GRANNY (plopping down in a carseat): "Give me my smelling salts! I feel faint..."

Inside the mansion, Mr. Feathersmith is sitting behind a large, executive desk. He is puffing a cigar with enjoyment.
Miss Devlin appears in a puff of smoke. (He thinks she is the Devil, but we know she is really a Guardian Angel)
MR. FEATHERSMITH (gloating): "Well, Miss Devlin. Miss smarty. It seems I outfoxed you this time. I have all the money. Getting it, that's the fun of it, that's the KICK."
MISS DEVLIN: "Ah, but, what good is getting it-- if you can't keep it?"
MR. FEATHERSMITH: "What do you mean? This time I thought of everything. I said MAKE me young again, not just that I want to LOOK young."
MR. FEATHERSMITH: "I said I have a memory, and I don't want that memory impaired one bit."
MISS DEVLIN: "Check again, Mr. Feathersmith."
MR. FEATHERSMITH: "And I said you can't change anything about me. I will always be me."
MISS DEVLIN: "Precisely..." (and then, in the same tones as she said "nothing was mentioned of your *chronological* age" in the TZ episode)"...but nothing was mentioned of your *characterization*."
Mr. Feathersmith disappears in a puff of smoke. And, in his place, is another Albert character. This Albert character runs outside, yelling, "Come back! Jed, Granny, Jethro, Elly May!"
The Hillbillies had not gone anywhere (their car won't start).
ELLY MAY: "Who is that man running over here? He's wearing some kind of brown robe."
GRANNY: "Looks like a monk."
The Albert character gives all 4 of them a hug, one at a time. He says, excitedly and happily: "You can keep the money. Keep the oil. The Beverly Hills mansion. Everything. I need no money for myself."
JED CLAMPETT: "That's the most generous thing I ever heard."
GRANNY: "And, to thank the Good Lord for this miracle, we're giving 10% of everything we got to a church."
ALBERT/BROTHER THADDEUS: "God bless ya!" (looks into camera) "Bless ya all!"

Klaus now wants to put two of Albert's characters (Jonny Cobb from "something big" and Sam Gallatin from "The Last Wolf") together for a cute little skit. Adding his Brother Thaddeus from "The Virginian" and Deputy Meshaw from "The Flim-Flam Man" was the doings of his friend Jessica. Not content to leave it at that, Klaus then added Albert's character, Bill Feathersmith from "The Twilight Zone", too.

CHARLIE CHAN say: "Necessity mother of invention; but sometimes, step-mother of deception."

SAM GALLATIN: "What in Sam Hill does THAT mean?"

JONNY COBB (explaining): "It means sometimes ya gotta lie, but it's okay if ya hafta!"

[did that lose something in the translation? LOL]

BIBLE: "God helps those that help themselves."

JONNY COBB: "See? The Good Book says it's okay to steal, if ya hafta!"


DEPUTY MESHAW: "Want me to arrest him, Sheriff?"

MR. FEATHERSMITH: "ARE YOU ALL THERE?! You want to arrest a guy for interpreting the Bible?"

DEPUTY MESHAW: "Well, he's got it wrong. That must be a minor offense."

MR. FEATHERSMITH: "Jonny Cobb's guaranteed Freedom of Speech. That's the law!"

DEPUTY MESHAW: "Well, I thought Jonny Cobb was bending the law..."

MR. FEATHERSMITH: "And who made you judge and jury, to decide that? Now why don't you go bend your elbow to eat a donut, and leave Jonny Cobb alone, before I file a civil lawsuit against you!"

Deputy Meshaw slinks away, head down.

JONNY COBB: "Man, you is somethin', Mr. Feathersmit'-- you sent th' law away, crawlin' lower'n a yellow-bellied sidewinder."

MR. FEATHERSMITH: "I just can't stand to see the law trying to push people around. You're uncouth and unwashed, Jonny Cobb, but for some reason I kind of like you."

JONNY COBB: "Here, hav' some of muh chewin' terbaccy."


My favorite Twilight Zone episode was with Albert Salmi playing Mr. Feathersmith, "Of Late, I Think of Cliffordville" (1963). Miss Devlin (the Devil, taking the form of beautiful Julie Newmar) sends 75-year-old Mr. Bill Feathersmith back to 1910 to start his life over. Everything goes wrong, including his first date with Joanna, who turns out to be a real chatterbox.

Mr. Feathersmith is in the parlor of Mr. and Mrs. Gibbons, and meets their daughter. This is from the original show...

JOANNA: "So,IToldDaddyWhenHeToldMeThatYouWereDownstairs,ISaid'It'sAboutTimeWeHad ASophisticatedManInThisTown'.Didn'tISayThat,Daddy?Oh,HaveAnotherBon-Bon,Mr.Feathersmith,Oh,They'reDelicious,(um,oh-mm)ThisOne'sACreme(mmm)ARealdeCreme,Oh,IJustLoveCremes.Don'tYouLikeCremes,Mr.Feathersmith?OhILoveThem. They'reJustGoody-Goody.WellAnyway,WhenItWasInJulyWeAllWent ToMyAuntBertha'sInMaine,HaveYouEverBeenToMaine,Mr.Feathersmith?OhILoveSwimming,IJustAdoreTheOceanI'mTheBestSwimmerIn MyClass,Aren'tI,Daddy?HaveAnotherBon-Bon,Mr.Feathersmith, They'reGoody-Goody."

Here is what I would add as my skit...

Mr. Feathersmith is back in 1910. Let's assume he is 22 again (not a 75-year-old man with the outside appearance of youth). In 1912, Bill Feathersmith finally breaks down and marries Joanna. They have a boy and a girl. Their 25th Anniversary is in 1937-- that's the year they finally DID invent "a self-starter. A storage battery. A motor. A gilhooky that starts the motor," and they brought in the first oil from the 1,403 acres of property (6,000 feet underground).

They are now rich.

Bill Feathersmith showers Joanna with Silver presents on their Silver Wedding Anniversary... and one more present...

JOANNA: "Why,Bill,ThisHasBeenTheHappiestTwenty-FiveYearsOfMy Life--Don'tYouThinkIt'sBeenTheHappiestYearsOfYourLife?OfCourse, YouDo.Why,JustThink,Twenty-FiveYearsOfMaritalBliss,AndMaybe FiftyMoreYearsToGo,Oh,WhatDoYouThinkOfThat,Bill?AndOurTwo Children,Aren'tTheyMarvelous?..."

BILL FEATHERSMITH: "Uh, Joanna. I got you a flower to go along with your Silver presents."

JOANNA: "Why,Let'sSeeIt.My.AnOrchid.And,My,WhatAPrettyOrchidWithLeafyStemsAndOneGreenish-BrownAndPinkishFlowerInTheAxil OfEachUpperLeaf--It'sSoPretty,WhereOnEarthDidYouGetIt?"

BILL FEATHERSMITH: "They grow along streams and ponds of western North America. That variety of orchid is called a 'Chatterbox'!"

KLAUS has been a fan of both Albert Salmi and Dean Martin for years. Here are his very clever ideas:

Hey, fans, you all know that Albert and Dino worked together in 2 of Dino's movies-- "The Ambushers" (1967) and "something big" (1971). This duo really showed a flair for comedy, especially in the latter movie, where Albert (as outlaw Jonny Cobb) was going to "trade a Gatling gun for a woman."

Here is a scenario, as I envision it if Dino would have invited Albert to be a guest on "The Dean Martin Show" (1965-1974), and Albert would have joined host Dino in one of his weekly skits...

There was a time when the cue card girls would wear bikinis, and have the words written on their tummies.


DINO: "No, girls, we're not getting fresh with you..."

ALBERT: "I was just squintin' so I could read my lines..."


Albert and Dino are wearing dark glasses, pretending to be blind.

DINO: "What to we do now, Albert? How do we read the cue cards?"

ALBERT: "They're in Braille! Have to read them by hand. 'And now a word-comma-from our sponsors'. Oh, wait, that wasn't a comma, that was her bellybutton!"

Dino and Albert take their glasses off. They start to read the cuecard girls' tummies...

DINO: "And now, a word from our sponsors..."

Just then, Les Brown and his Band of Renown start playing some lively music, and the 2 cuecard girls start gyrating like crazy.

ALBERT (trying to read the message on her tummy) "How... like... to... be... driving..." (spins his head in circles, trying to read) "our... new... Chev... ro... let..."

DINO (also twirling his head, while holding a martini in right hand) "With... the... new.. bucket... seats..." (starts laughing, notices his martini swirling around) "Hey, I wanted my martini shaken, not swirled-- I mean, twirled."

ALBERT: "I thought that was 'shaken not stirred'."

DINO (laughing): "Whatever I was doing just then."

ALBERT: "You swished!"

(audience howls)



Albert's character, Bill Feathersmith, made a deal with the devil in the Twilight Zone episode entitled "Of Late, I Think of Cliffordville". This was a very serious show. That will never do. If Albert had done a skit with Dean Martin about this subject, you can be sure it would have a different flavor entirely:

On the Dean Martin show: Mr. Feathersmith asked Miss Devlin (Julie Newmar): "How can I get my soul back?" Miss Devlin told him: "Get Dino to sell his soul, and I'll give you yours back."

ALBERT: "Dino, I want to buy your soul."

DINO: "Oh no, not that. I need soul for my singing..." (starts crooning "That's Amore")

ALBERT (interrupting): "No, no. I don't mean your musical soul, I mean your soul-soul."

DINO: "My soul-soul?" (laughs at this expression, takes a sip from his martini)

ALBERT (being the Ultimate Craftsman, waits for the audience laughter to die down): "I mean your-- soul. I'll give you anything for it. I'll give you a bigger house."

DINO quips: "I can't find the house I have now." (audience laughs) "In fact, my doctor told me-- to get rid of my backache, I have to start sleeping on firmer lawns."

(audience howls)

ALBERT: "How about this?" (mischievous look on his face) "I'll put you on a desert island with 10,000 beautiful native girls-- and I'll arrange it that you marry all of them! How about that?"

DINO: "Marry all the women? No way. If I was married to all of them-- who would I fool around with?"

(audience roars. Dino and Albert get a standing ovation)


Imagine, The Odd Couple revisited - Dino dressed in his tuxedo, with his signature red handkerchief in the pocket. He wants to impress a girlfriend who is coming over. He sees Albert, wearing a white T-shirt.

DINO (FELIX): "Don't you see I want to impress this girl? I'm wearing my red handkerchief-- red for love, 'That's Amore'."

Doorbell rings. Albert, holding a hamburger in one hand, opens the door with the other hand. In walks one of the Golddiggers. Albert accidentally spills come ketchup from his hamburger onto his T-shirt.

ALBERT (OSCAR): "See? Now I'm wearin' red, too!"

Dino hastily tries to get the Golddigger out of the apartment, before she sees what a slob Oscar is, and decides to cancel the date!

Would you like to write a comedy scene for Albert? Feel free to contribute your ideas.