S

Sales
The January sales are the biggest rip off in the calender. For a start they begin on 27th December, so shops can rub in the fact that you had to pay full price for the same stuff three days earlier. Second, the stuff which is in the sale is never the stuff you want. A record shop, for example, will say 'Records and Tapes from 99p', but in fact what's on sale for 99p will be :

Joe Dolce
Frampton Comes Alive
The Second Slade album
Brotherhood of Man
Baccarra
The soundtrack album of Can't Stop The Music
Anything by Rick Astley

Also, beware the small print on the sale price items. If you find an album called

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..-.--.. ELVIS ..-..--.--..-.
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Look closely, because it's probably called
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A tribute to ELVIS by Edward Nobhead and the Craptones
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The only shops worth going to for sales are the ones which sell a range of discounted rubbish - That is to say department stores. However department stores also have their drawbacks. For a start there are certain words that only survive in the English language through department stores - words like 'haberdashery'. People in real life don't go round saying 'Mmm... I do like your haberdashery!' or 'I suppose you'll want some millinary for your birthday'. The language of department stores exists nowhere else, which is probably just as well. We can only hope that other people do not start trying to speak in Department-Store-ese.

Shed
A large, promiscuous woman; slag. Somewhere to stick your tools.


6' x 4' fully tongue and groved

Shellsuit
The success of shellsuits is easily explained - they are shapeless and almost incredibly unflattering and, as such, form part of a British fashion tradition stretching back centuries. the shellsuit was originally a garment worn by sports men and women, but it is essential to remember that wearing a shellsuit does not make you look sporty. More often than not, it makes you look like an unfit fatty with no taste in clothes, who has been gullible enough to fork out 90 for a crinkly nylon sleeping-bag with legs.

Space
Space exploration is crap. It's nothing like we were taught to expect from TV.
Space exploration has however provided us with one of the funniest names in history : Buzz Aldrin, which for sheer intergalactic silliness must rank with Undabanige Sotole, Tony Gubba, and Ken and Beryl Rosencrap. There is no possible explanation for why Mr Aldrin should have been christened 'Buzz', although some have pointed the finger at his father, Ding-Dong Aldrin.
In the early 1960's everyone thought that the first manned space launch was simply a two-horse race between the Russians and the Americans. So it must have been a terrible shock to both of them when they were pipped to the post by a monkey. It has always been officially stated that none of the monkeys who went into space in the 1960's suffered any acquired remarkable quantities, although this is belied by a secret transcript TMWE discovered in the bin at Mission Control, Houston.

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TRANSCRIPT OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN MISSION CONTROL AND
APPLLO 2FILLER2.3.61FILLER08.43 HRS

MISSION: HELLO. THIS IS HOUSTON... WE SEEM TO BE PICKING UP
SOME TRANSMISSIONS FROM INSIDE THE MONKEY CABIN.
HERE IT COMES AGAIN.

APOLLO: COEE DAD. THE PIANO'S ON ME FOOT

APOLLO: CAN YOU RIDE TANDEM?

APOLLO: THERE'S NO OTHER TEA TO BEAT PG.

In 1998, the Americans celebrated Bonfire Night by sending 77-year old pioneer astronaut John Glenn up into space. Meanwhile, moonwalker Buzz Aldrin says that in 30 years time, we'll all be playing golf on Mars. But how much do we really know about space? Here's a Cape Canaveral countdown of five things you never knew about the world's favorite vacuum.

5. The Space Shuttle is a kind of space bus, and like ordinary buses, you even have to give up your seat for an elderly person. However, real buses seldom explode forty seconds after leaving the bus stop.

4. Holidaying is the term for going on holiday, but mooning is not the term for going to the moon. Mooning actually means showing your arse from the back of a bus to two pensioners doing 40mph in a morris Marina as you overtake them on the motorway.

3. A space bar isn't a pub in space were Whoopee Goldberg sells blue fizzy drinks to things with plastic foreheads and gills. It's the long plastic bit at the bottom of a typewriter that makes holes in your writing.

2. If someone tells you they are going moonwalking it doesn't necessarily mean they are going to blast off in a rocket for a stroll around the lunar surface. It probably means they are going to do that rediculous backwards-cum-forwards walk made popular by not-plastic-surgery-nightmare, not-kiddie-diddler, high pitched knacker grabber Micheal Jackson.

1. The author of 2001, Arther C Clarke tells everyone that he conceived the idea of the communications satellite. What he tends not to mention is that he also said they would probably be tied to the ground with very long ropes so as you could climb up and mend them when they broke.
Thanks to Mr C Clarke's invention, we can now watch 1970's Bavarian pornography on a Wednesday and Saturday, buy nasty jewellery from some failed star 24 hours a day and pay an extra 10 to watch Evander Holyfield getting his ear bitten off by a bull-necked rapist.

Stonecladding
The technique of covering a house in large multicoloured blocks of pink and beige, because the owner believes that people will then say 'Oh look' one of those houses in that row of other-wise identical urban properties is a rural cottage built of Cotswold stone', whereas in fact they will say 'Oh look, that person has had their perfectly attractive terraced house stoneclad.... how crap can you get.'

Email: marywhitehouse@hotmail.com