See that Geoff Gapes?

Yes, I am aware of the athlete?

That's your mum that is. That's your mum trying her best to look extra femanine

I see. See Nidri?

I am aware of the settlement

That's your football team that is. That's who you support. Come on you Nidri! That's you that is

Oh, a-ha ha ha. You see an old roller skate that's been left in the rain and is covered in rust, and has got some dog plop on it?

Yes, I have seen such an item

That's your car that is. That's your car on a Saturday afternoon, after you've spent the whole day polishing it up

You see a shrivelled mushroom, a small shrivelled mushroom, such as you might find in the back of the fridge

Yes?

That's your willy that is. That's your big stiffy. Come on girls, get your laughing gear round this. That's what you say

See your mum?

My mother, yes?

She does it for money

Your mum does it for free

Your mum does it with you, for money. She gives you your pocket money and you give it right back.

You're going to cry

No, you're going to cry

No, you want to cry really badly Waaaaaaaaaah. That's you that is. But Professor Lewis, if we could return to the topic in hand, Professor A J P Taylor...

Your boyfriend you mean?

...in his book, Origins Of The Crimean War, he says...

He says to you, oh mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

See that John Inman?

I am aware of his work

You've lost a fight to him. He beats you up every day. But if we could return to the topic in hand of German Domestic Policies, Professor F J Lewis...

Yes. People forget that as late as the nineteenth century, the German Domestic Navy was still essentially a sail powered fleet

Sail powered fleet?

Yes, and up until the time of Bismarck, it wasn't until then did it become a fully mechanised navy, in the modernised sense of the word. And you see those sailing ships with those huge white sails on

Huge white sails?

Yes, billowing, vast, main top sails

Yes I have seen such sails

Those are your mum's pants they are

Do they have wings on them? Well I don't think anyone can be in any doubt that tonight, myself and Professor F J Lewis, have had a most valid and enlightening debate. Professor F J Lewis, thankyou

Thankyou