F

Fellatio
Type of sexual activity that's never quite as good as men think it's going to be. Oh great, you think, a blow job - and then you can't quite feel anything except the odd tooth. The reality of fellatio is that you suffer from a kind of imaginative shortfall. Of course, you say this to a woman and she'll say "Ah, you just haven't been given a good one", which is a bit like a bloke telling a lesbian she just han't met the right man.

Fireworks Code, The Real

1. Light the Blue Touch Paper and retire to a safe distance
2. Watch the firework go 'Sqt'
3. Think 'Shall I obey the fireworks code?'
4. Think 'Naaah. That rocket cost me two quid!'
5. Go back to the rocket
6. Pour some petrol on it
7. Light the -BOOOOOoooooM!!!!

Fish
Fish are animals that somehow manage to die from eating to much. I mean, it's quite difficult to do that, even if your eating proper food, y'know, chocolate cake, Spangles and roast duck, but they manage it with little bits of dust. You might imagine that there's a cut-off point where the fish thinks, 'I feel a bit sick now' or 'Perhaps I'll leave that forth grain for later' but no, it's grain one, grain two, grain three - floating on the top of the bowl

Fish, more stuff about
In one of his miricles, Jesus did the Feeding of the 5,000; he fed 5,000 people using five loaves and two fishes. It's clear from this that Jesus' gift for Oratory was not matched by his grasp on home economics, because obviously, if he wanted just fish and loaves, then he can only have been doing Cod in Breadcrumbs or something, and he would have had far too many breadcrumbs. However, it's unlikely that Jesus would have made a mistake like this, so maybe, if he needed five loaves, then that means that the fish in question were really huge. Come to think of it, if he was feeding 5,000 people, then they probably were. People forget that some fish are really big. So Jesus probably got five loaves, two really huge marlin or deep-sea halibut, and then crumbled the bread into breadcrumbs and served the fish up as goujons.
Also, of course, when considering this miracle, we must remember that out of a random sample of 5,000 people, then probably some of them didn't like fish. Statistically there would have probably been a couple of hundred strict vegetarians who only would have eaten the bread, and if Jesus had used it all up to fry the fish in, then they would have gone hungry. Also, loads of kids hate fish, so out of 5,000, probably only about 3,000 or so would have actually wanted the food. This is not to denigrate the miracle in any way - I mean, feeding 3,000 people with five loaves and two fishes isn't actually much easier than feeding 5,000. Especially if some of them were greedy.
This shows us how important fish have been in history. When one considers that two-thirds of the earth's surface is sea, and then remembers that the sea is absolutely full of fish, then one suddenly realises that these finny buggers are really important, and if they weren't so stupid they could have taken over by now. Fortunately, of course, they can't breath out of water, and this very much counts against them in the world domination stakes. Even the most territorially ambitious, megalomaniac fish has to face the fact that, for as long as he is reliant on gills, he is more likely to end up in a Birds Eye Captain's Pie than in any position of real executive power.
Another important thing about fish is that some of them have very silly names. It is very hard to take seriously any creature with a name like Turbot, Flounder, Dab or Guppy. Other leading types of Comedy Fish are the aforementioned Halibut; also Dogfish, John Dory, and Tench.
Another factor to remember, on the subject of fish, is that It's the fish John West reject that make John West the best. This obviously depends on what fish John West reject. If John West is given a load of haddock, then obviously he is going to reject them, on the grounds that they are not salmon. This in no way reflects on the quality of the haddock, or indeed says anything about the quality of the chosen salmon. Really, to make sense, the slogan should have gone It's the inferior salmon John West reject, that makes John Wset salmon the best out of the ones John West choose from.


British and Icelandic fishermen conduct heated negotiations

Email: marywhitehouse@hotmail.com