Chamberlain, Neville
Pre-war Prime Minister who visited Hitler and returned with a piece of paper saying it was peace in our time. And how wrong he was! But, you know, it's easy, with the benefit of hindsight, to criticise Chamberlain for failing to foresee World War II. Far better to criticise him for being a drunk and abuser of farm animals, because he's dead, so I can't be done for libel.

Christmas is the time when we stuff ourselves with food and drink, and are forced to travel hundreds of miles to see members of the family we don't even like very much. In addition to this, we send out cards with jolly messages in them:

Greetings to your Family at this joyous time,
Noel to all men with this happy Christmas rhyme!
Here's a card to wish you every Yuletide cheer,
Though I couldn't give a fuck about you
All the rest of the year!

Another thing about Christmas is your aunt turns up with her Rover Buscuit Assortment (a sad comedown for a once prestigious car manufacturer). It is a time when people do things that at any other time of year would get them certified. Things like eating 3lbs of walnuts at one sitting, setting fire to a steaming pudding or dragging a large coniferous tree into their lounge, wedging it in a bucket with two old bricks and then covering it with small flashing lights, one of which isn't connected properly.
Above all Christmas is an orgy of television which invariably looks like the panel below.

6.30 am
Morning Worship
Remember the true meaning
of Christmas. With Noel
Edmonds and Gordon the

Cartoon Time
The sexist Steryotypers, The
Cheapoanimators and Scooby

The Great Escape (r)
Towards the end of World War
Two, a group of prisoners
including Jim Rockford,
Charles Bronson, Steve
McQueen and that bloke off
The Man from UNCLE decide
to dig a tunnel. Classic
entertainment. And a bloody
sight better than The Wizard of
bleeding Oz.

The Noel Edmonds
up the Top of the
Post Office Tower

With guests who are giving up
their Xmas morning for a
huge cheque.

Spuddy the Racoon
Heart-warming Disney feature
which is immensely cheap.
Suddenly you wish you had Sky
Movies don’t you? Don’t
worry, later there’s a massive
hit film we’ve paid millions
for. Shame you’ve already seen
it eight times on video.

Best of Top of the

Tom and Jerry
With Noel Edmonds

The Queen
Her Majesty addresses what’s
left of the Commonwealth
while millions of misty-eyed
subjects raise their glass and
solemnly say the traditional
words ‘What on earth is she

The James Bond
Film: Never Say
Wasn’t This One On
Last Year Again

The Les Dennis
Christmas Special

The Russ Abbott
Christmas Special

Bread Christmas

Allo Allo Christmas

Christmas Special. Yuletide
with the Nicaraguan
Death Squads.

Psycho Cop Killer
Stop arguing over the
Monopoly and watch a bit of
gruesome death. With Noel

Understanding clouds can be an invaluable asset if you want to be properly dressed for the prevailing weather conditions.
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Cirrusblank ......................................spacer Cirrostratusblank ..................................spacerNice day tomorrow

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A bit shitblank............................... spacer First day at Wimbledonblank .......................spacerIt's going to piss down

Perhaps the most useful thing invented in the twentieth century with the exception of the Remington Fuzz-away and Nose-hair Trimmer. Computers are, in essence, binary switching devices, working on the reversed polarity principle to perform calculations at the rate of millions per second. They also make funny noises and play games. They can be used for all sorts of tasks, such as major fraud, weapon guidance systems, or preventing you from getting £10.00 out of your cashpoint machine because you're 87p overdrawn.
Many people now work with computers on an everyday basis, which is interesting since computer terminals give off ionising radiation, which causes cancer.
Amongst the many places you will find computers are travel agents, where they have these really flash ones that can call up any flight, holiday, etc. at the touch of a button. Unfortunately the programmes to operate these are so complicated that the travel agent is usually incapable of using it. Enter any High Street travel agent and the phrase you will hear more than any other is, "I pressed that, but it didn't do anything."

You either love it or hate it - Or you may be asleep.

Type of food eaten after the pubs shut. Curry comes in many forms, such as Korma, Dupiaza, Bhuna, Madras, etc., etc., but they all taste much the same after seven pints of lager. The thing to do when you go for a curry is always order far too many poppadoms. You order these because you are very hungry when you arrive, but after you've eaten ten of these bastards (deep-fried greasy discs that look like huge crisps), you won't have room left for the main course, which is what you've paid the money for. What's more, the waiter knows full well that you're going to fall for this old one. Which is quite fair, as it gives him some recompense for the amount of times drunken wankers have clicked their fingers at him and said 'Oi, Gandhi.'
The other thing to do when you go for a curry is to delegate one person at your table to be the one who says 'Actually, of course, in India they never eat anything like this.' Which is quite true, as Indians never make the mistake of ordering far too many poppadoms. Another person at your table should be the One Who Orders Egg and Chips Because They Don't Like Foreign Food (See WAYS YOU CAN TELL OTHER BRITISH TOURISTS WHEN ABROAD). Best of all, however, someone should make a point of ordering the hottest curry on the menu to show what a Lad they are. They will, of course, spend the rest of the meal hyperventilating, choking and burning their throat, but it is imperative that if you want to be Hard, then you don't Eat Foreign unless you can burn your mouth off. Remember - the Hard person does not leave any curry on his plate, not for no one.

Email: marywhitehouse@hotmail.com