Christmas is the time when we stuff ourselves with food and drink, and are forced to travel hundreds of miles to see members of the family we don't even like very much. In addition to this, we send out cards with jolly messages in them:
Best of Top of the
Tom and Jerry
With Noel Edmonds
Her Majesty addresses what’s
left of the Commonwealth
while millions of misty-eyed
subjects raise their glass and
solemnly say the traditional
words ‘What on earth is she
The James Bond
Film: Never Say
Wasn’t This One On
Last Year Again
The Les Dennis
The Russ Abbott
Allo Allo Christmas
Christmas Special. Yuletide
with the Nicaraguan
Psycho Cop Killer
Stop arguing over the
Monopoly and watch a bit of
gruesome death. With Noel
Perhaps the most useful thing invented in the twentieth century with the exception
of the Remington Fuzz-away and Nose-hair Trimmer. Computers are, in essence, binary
switching devices, working on the reversed polarity principle to perform calculations
at the rate of millions per second. They also make funny noises and play games.
They can be used for all sorts of tasks, such as major fraud, weapon guidance systems,
or preventing you from getting £10.00 out of your cashpoint machine because you're
Many people now work with computers on an everyday basis, which is interesting since computer terminals give off ionising radiation, which causes cancer.
Amongst the many places you will find computers are travel agents, where they have these really flash ones that can call up any flight, holiday, etc. at the touch of a button. Unfortunately the programmes to operate these are so complicated that the travel agent is usually incapable of using it. Enter any High Street travel agent and the phrase you will hear more than any other is, "I pressed that, but it didn't do anything."
You either love it or hate it - Or you may be asleep.
Type of food eaten after the pubs shut. Curry comes in many forms, such as Korma, Dupiaza, Bhuna, Madras, etc., etc., but they all taste much the same after seven pints of lager. The thing to do when you go for a curry is always order far too many poppadoms. You order these because you are very hungry when you arrive, but after you've eaten ten of these bastards (deep-fried greasy discs that look like huge crisps), you won't have room left for the main course, which is what you've paid the money for. What's more, the waiter knows full well that you're going to fall for this old one. Which is quite fair, as it gives him some recompense for the amount of times drunken wankers have clicked their fingers at him and said 'Oi, Gandhi.'
The other thing to do when you go for a curry is to delegate one person at your table to be the one who says 'Actually, of course, in India they never eat anything like this.' Which is quite true, as Indians never make the mistake of ordering far too many poppadoms. Another person at your table should be the One Who Orders Egg and Chips Because They Don't Like Foreign Food (See WAYS YOU CAN TELL OTHER BRITISH TOURISTS WHEN ABROAD). Best of all, however, someone should make a point of ordering the hottest curry on the menu to show what a Lad they are. They will, of course, spend the rest of the meal hyperventilating, choking and burning their throat, but it is imperative that if you want to be Hard, then you don't Eat Foreign unless you can burn your mouth off. Remember - the Hard person does not leave any curry on his plate, not for no one.