Christmas
Christmas is the time when we stuff ourselves with food and drink, and are forced
to travel hundreds of miles to see members of the family we don't even like
very much. In addition to this, we send out cards with jolly messages in them:
6.30 am
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12.30pm Best of Top of the Pops 12.31pm Tom and Jerry With Noel Edmonds 3.00pm The Queen Her Majesty addresses what’s left of the Commonwealth while millions of misty-eyed subjects raise their glass and solemnly say the traditional words ‘What on earth is she wearing?’ 3.15pm The James Bond Film: Never Say Wasn’t This One On Last Year Again 7.00pm The Les Dennis Christmas Special 8.00pm The Russ Abbott Christmas Special 9.00pm Bread Christmas Special 10.00pm Allo Allo Christmas Special 11.00pm Panarama Christmas Special. Yuletide with the Nicaraguan Death Squads. 12.45pm Psycho Cop Killer Stop arguing over the Monopoly and watch a bit of gruesome death. With Noel Edmonds.
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Computer
Perhaps the most useful thing invented in the twentieth century with the exception
of the Remington Fuzz-away and Nose-hair Trimmer. Computers are, in essence, binary
switching devices, working on the reversed polarity principle to perform calculations
at the rate of millions per second. They also make funny noises and play games.
They can be used for all sorts of tasks, such as major fraud, weapon guidance systems,
or preventing you from getting £10.00 out of your cashpoint machine because you're
87p overdrawn.
Many people now work with computers on an everyday basis, which is interesting since
computer terminals give off ionising radiation, which causes cancer.
Amongst the many places you will find computers are travel agents, where they have these
really flash ones that can call up any flight, holiday, etc. at the touch of a button.
Unfortunately the programmes to operate these are so complicated that the travel agent is
usually incapable of using it. Enter any High Street travel agent and the phrase
you will hear more than any other is, "I pressed that, but it didn't do
anything."
Cricket
You either love it or hate it - Or you may be asleep.
Curry
Type of food eaten after the pubs shut. Curry comes in many forms, such as Korma,
Dupiaza, Bhuna, Madras, etc., etc., but they all taste much the same after seven
pints of lager. The thing to do when you go for a curry is always order far too
many poppadoms. You order these because you are very hungry when you arrive,
but after you've eaten ten of these bastards (deep-fried greasy discs that look
like huge crisps), you won't have room left for the main course, which is what
you've paid the money for. What's more, the waiter knows full well that you're going to fall for this old one.
Which is quite fair, as it gives him some recompense for the amount of times
drunken wankers have clicked their fingers at him and said 'Oi, Gandhi.'
The other thing to do when you go for a curry is to delegate one person at your
table to be the one who says 'Actually, of course, in India they never eat anything
like this.' Which is quite true, as Indians never make the mistake of ordering far
too many poppadoms. Another person at your table should be the One Who Orders
Egg and Chips Because They Don't Like Foreign Food (See WAYS YOU CAN TELL
OTHER BRITISH TOURISTS WHEN ABROAD). Best of all, however, someone should make a point of
ordering the hottest curry on the menu to show what a Lad they are. They will, of
course, spend the rest of the meal hyperventilating, choking and burning their
throat, but it is imperative that if you want to be Hard, then you don't Eat
Foreign unless you can burn your mouth off. Remember - the Hard person does
not leave any curry on his plate, not for no one.
