B
Bananas
Of great significance to old people, who go on and on about how there were no
bananas during the war and how exciting it was when the first bananas arrived, and
aren't we lucky to have bananas because during the war there weren't any at all.
Oh no, it was so exciting when the first bananas arrived. Of course that's hard
to believe now, but you see there weren't any bananas, well not during the war anyway.
In fact there was a great shortage of bananas which meant that lots of young people,
well they'd be old now I suppose, were in their twenties before they had ever seen a banana,
because during the war we just didn't have them you see, not one, because you
just couldn't get hold of them. There's that old song 'Yes, We Have No Bananas',
the very existence of which indicates that bananas were pretty bloody important. Why
else would you bother writing a song about them? I mean, no one's written a song
called 'Sorry, We're Right Out of 4oz Bags of Frozen Peas', have they?
Banana Skins
What people always fall over on in cartoons because for some reason it's funnier
than falling over on anything else. Presumably they are more slippery than any
other fruit skin. In real life, of course, you never ever see them lying around,
let alone people slipping on them. Perhaps that is partially the point.
Bastard
Term for illegitimate child. 'Oh Gods, stand up for bastards' (King Lear)
, 'No bastard shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven' (Bible, Book of Deuteronomy),
'No bastard shall enter after 11p.m.' (Doorman at Toppers Club, Streatham). A
naughty word, but not a very naughty one, especially in the north of England. It's
about on a level with shit in the USA (See ORGANIC WASTE PRODUCTS OF
THE AMERICAS).
Bayeux Tapestry
A Tapestry in Bayeux. They didn't have any TV in 1066 so they had to record the
Battle of Hastings by embroidery. Despite this apparent drawback, its more
interesting than watching Panorama
The Normans prepare for a day out to kick shit out of the Saxons
Body Building
A pastime of very sad people who think that the bigger your muscles are the more
attractive you are to women, which is plain nonsense. All it means is that you have
to buy shirts that are bigger than other people's, you have to spend a lot of time
in the gym pumping iron and, when you are old, all the muscle turns to fat and
you look really crap.
Boss Cat
The thing about Boss Cat was, it was only called Boss Cat in Britain, because the BBC thought it would be advertising Top Cat cat food to call it by it's real title, which was, of course, Top Cat. This is why, all the way through, everybody was referring to the central character as T.C. and not B.C. It is very hard to see why the BBC was so worked up about this, since the average Top Cat viewer was about nine years old, and the purchasing power of nine year olds in the pet-food market is minimal. Perhaps the BBC thought that millions of brainwashed nine year olds would be forcing their mothers down to the supermarket to buy Top Cat cat food unless they prevented this by the clever means of putting the words 'Boss Cat' over a song that clearly went
Top Cat! The most respectable
Top Cat! Whose intellectual
Close friends get to call him T.C.
Providing it's with dignity…
Actually, of course, the problem was that you couldn't hear the words. It always sounded like the song went
Top Cat! The mossesseptable
Top Cat! Whose into let you all
Close friends get to call him T.C.
Pro-fighting is whipped in his tea.
That's how I thought it went anyway.
Email: marywhitehouse@hotmail.com
