Crappy companies always call themselves something like Aardvark Double Glazing Ltd. in an attempt to be the first in the phone book. As if being first in the phone book helps anyone. Possibly, in the event of getting several very similar estimates for double glazing, you might use the position of the company in the phone book as a sort of tie-breaker; but this is unlikely.

Natures way of making sure that, in spite of the appalling ache in your loins that lasts for the whole of adolescence, no one will fancy you.

Action Man
A doll for boys. Action Man was like Sindy or Barbie in that he possessed no secondary sexual characteristics whatsoever. Despite the advent of Real Hair in 1973, his pubic region was totally bald and he had no willy. Also, neither Sindy nor Barbie had any nipples, but their owners used to draw them on with a pink felt-tip pen (See CHILDHOOD PERVERSIONS).

Aer Lingus
Comedy airline. Often used in a crap joke about it merging with Continental Airlines to form Conilingus - which is funny because it sounds like Cunnilingus (a rude word).

An excuse for men to wear perfume. Shaving is, of course, absolutely horrible, but rubbing some overpriced smelly stuff into the freshly-scraped skin makes it feel more sophisticated. No one ever buys aftershave; it always arrives at Christmas, usually from an aunt. There are two sorts of aftershave - the poncey ones, and the mass-market ones. You can tell these apart because poncey ones have their advatising slogan in French, whereas the mass-market ones have their slogan in English, viz.

Denim For the men who don't have to try too hard
Hai Karate Drives women wild
Pagan Man Brings out the Pagan in you
Accountant Pour l'homme d'Edgware

If you are lucky these may even come in a special Christmas gift box, complete with talc, and flannel embroidered with the logo. Mmmmm - that is nice.

The thing about ants is that people are always going on about how chuffing brilliant they are. 'Oh their community is so socially regulated,' says Sir David La-Di-Da Attenborough - Not if you pour boiling water into it, it isn't !
What you do is you put the kettle on and then quick smart when it's boiled, you pour it down the cracks in the patio, and before you know it all the ants come out either dead or about to die. The next day, the surviving ants may well have built some form of mud/dust protective barrier into the cracks. A remarkable feat of architectural engineering, this is entirely un-boiling water resistant.

A small, round fruit used to decorate peoples fruit bowls. They last about two months before they go brown, and you have to buy some more. Mothers invariably put one in their child's packed lunch to be heathly and the kids never eat them. They eat sandwiches, the packet of crips and the penguin biscuit and throw the apple at one of their friends (see CRAP PRANKS). Varieties include Granny Smiths, Golden Delicious, Starking, and Russet, but they all taste much the same and go brown after two months.
Traditionally, 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away', but there is little evidence to suggest that any trained medical practitioner would be deterred from visiting by the presence of the soft fruit. In fact, an apple a day will probably lead to a steady build-up of pesticide residue and wax polish in the stomach unless you wash them properly. Apples are also supposed to be good for the teeth, but actually they're highly acidic, so that's bollocks. However, they are used to make cider, which is excellent for getting pissed fast.

Like a viaduct, but instead of trains, you put water over it. The Romans built them to get water into their cities, which just proves that the Romans weren't actually as clever as historians make out, because otherwise a) they wouldn't have built cities where there wasn't ant water, and b) they'd have invented pipes, rather than building bloody great aquaducts with the water out in the open air where it could evaporate in the hot Italian sun. Also ducks and stuff could swim in it and that's not very hygienic, is it?

A belief in astrology is based on two premises:

1. That a small handful of the infinite number of gravitational masses of cosmic gas, billions of light years away across the universe, exert a direct influence on the lives and financial opportunities of one of the 50 million species of carbon-based life forms on one planet, in one solar system in one galaxy.

2. That the best person to interpret the effects is Russell Grant.

The case against astrology seems formidable. For example, six national dailies print predictions for each starsign and all six are completely different. Still, Nancy Reagan believed in it, so it must be true.

Astology: a supernova in a distant galaxy. So watch out for a surprise visit from
a relative and try not to take a financial risk until Thursday

Sort of suet pudding heavily advertised in the 1970's that should not be confused with a vital heart organ - 'Your Aorta' - It isn't that.


Should also not be confused with Tora, Tora, Tora, the film about the japanese attack on Pearl Harbor named after the cry of the Kamikaze pilots; although there is also a film called Atora, Atora, Atora ! about the one squadron of Kamikaze pilots who got it wrong and went to their deaths shouting, 'Suet pudding, suet pudding, suet pudding.

Attack on Pearl Harbor

The principle marque of British Leyland. The company was responsible for almost all the cars that old people drive out into the country on Sunday afternoons. When you finally reach the front of that fifteen-mile tailback, and get your chance to overtake the car that is causing it, you will find that it contains four pensioners (at least one of which is wearing a hat) and is one of the following models :


The flagship family car of the British motor industry during its darkest days. The original model had an oval steering wheel, which was just rubbish. I mean to say - an oval steering wheel. At its most pathetic in the sports model, which could still be burnt up by a milk float. There was a posh model, the Allegro Van Den Plas. It wasn't fooling anyone, though.


The most upmarket Austin. Looked like a wedge of cheese on wheels and was designed to compete with the most luxuriously engineered of its contenental counterparts. Somehow it seemed to miss this market and sold instead to people who like to spend a lot of their time having their car repaired.


The biggest seller, it's appeal was its no-frills engineering and the abundance of storage space for the inevitable tartan car blanket.


Possibly the least stylish vehicle ever to grace British roads, it looked like the kind of car that you built out of Lego when you were seven, but wasn't quite as well built. The name was a clever play-on-words - Maxi being the opposite of Mini, and the Austin Mini being one of the most successful, seminal and ground-breaking cars of the era. The Maxi was, true to its name, the opposite.

Email: marywhitehouse@hotmail.com