Teen girl on art, writing, body image and life
Contents of my page
- page 1.......Who am I?
- page2.......Writing and I
- page 3.......Love poems and sci-fi?
- page 4.......more about me?
- page 5.......anime?
- page 6.......weight loss and god?
- page 7.......tribute to friends and family
- page 8.......my picture NEW!
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WHO AM I?
Ok...so wanna know about me? I am a senior in high school and I deal with the same issues everyone else does. My life has been ok, I guess. It's been really hard sometimes, but isn't everybody's? I had some really painful things happen in my past, though. I used to go to a private, christian school. One day I was blamed for something I didn't do, and ended up being paddled hard several times. I took that really hard, because the principal had said if I denied I had done it, the punishment would be worse for lying. I wouldn't have been lying, though. I was very shy as a child, and as a result of this abuse I was subjected to, I started to become anxious of even entering a school. At about the same time, my neighbors moved away and two new families moved in. The two new famalies had early-teen-age boys. I was about nine. Before long, I became an object of constant sexaul and pysical abuse. I remember the shame and the feelings that it was my fault. I just now am begining to understand children cannot control anything and therefore are often victimized. I could never feel like I could tell my parents, because they are very strictly religious. I was afraid they wouldn't love me. Anyway, I often would get pushed around and hit and knocked around on the school playground by Mark* and John*, where I transfered from christian school. It was hard, but bearable for me. My mom would ask what my bruises were from, and I'd say I fell down. In middle school, I first showed signs that everything was not alright. I was especially young in middle school because I started kindergarten at 4, being gifted. This was difficult, because I didn't understand why all the other girls were developing and I had nothing. I felt very inadiquate. To make matters worse, I was in a class where a group of boys would constantly sexually harass me, touching me inapprioprately and saying things like "hey sexy." The teacher was out of the room alot, and the problem went unoticed. Between 7th and 8th grade, I had an emotional breakdown. I told my mother, which was horrible, because I felt so dirty and degraded and FILTHY! But I got some help. I started seeing a counselor and had a pretty good 8th grade year, I had lots of friends and a boyfriend. Unfortuantly, my boyfriend was abusive. Besides that, though, I had a good year. Then it was all shattered. We were moving. I had never gotten over my fear of school due to the fact that so much abuse had taken place their. Soon I was in a new school, frightened and alone. I was too afraid to go in the lunchroom to eat, because I didn't want to get made fun of or harassed. So I ate in the bathroom. My freshman year I went from 5 ft 9 140lbs to 5 ft 9 220lbs. I took my fear, anger and pain out on food. However, I took it all off again after my mom threatened to send me to fat camp. My sophmore year, a group of vicious boys turned to harassing me after I stood up for someone else. As a result, I internalized the pain and became aneroxic. It lasted for a while, until my mother wouldn't let me go out of the house without eating. Then I would eat and throw it up. Finally, though, that phase ended. My junior year I made more friends and started seeing a psyciatrist reguallarly after I was diagnosed with severe deppresion. Since then, I have struggled with depression and have been on 5 different antidepressants. Now, though, it's the best time of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD, post-trauma-stress-disorder, which depression is only a symptom. Now, I'm on a new medication, Effexor. It is really good, for once, I feel like myself again. I am now not afraid to show who I am and I'm involved in clubs and have a very active group of friends. The pain will always be their, but now I can talk about it and I feel like the struggle against myself has ended. I am writing this because if anyone reads this and is experiencing the same crap, I want them to be able to see that there is hope. I overcame it, with the help of other people. When others reach out, don't push away. I needed help and I finally got it, and you can too. Now, I write about the pain I have inside. It's cleansing in a way. **names changed
My Favorite Links
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cool teen site-especially for girlzz
this is a online zine that gives teens voices
another nifty mag for teens
inspirational mag
wanna write for an online mag?
another online magazine
this is an online community I love and am a part of
need explaination? just a cool site to check out
this is my home, if you are looking into college info, it's a great site
cool high school link
awesome sci-fi site to check out
---------------------------> my picture
Email: leia198116@hotmail.com
