14. Makes you stop at every fire hydrant so he can urinate on it.

13. She conducts lane change practice in her Jacuzzi.

12. Conducts the first week's lessons in two chairs using imaginary driving motions and engine sounds.

11. Insists on sitting in back seat & being called "Miss Daisy."

10. Keeps stopping in the middle of your lesson to deliver pizzas.

9. Fails you unless you can get the airbag to pop.

8. Instead of emergency brakes on his side of the car, he has a passenger-side accelerator and a mini bar stocked with Wild Turkey and Ho Ho's.

7. Has "P - R - D - 2 - 1" painted on his fly and keeps yelling, "Shift!"

6. Has a working saw blade on the hood and mutters about "fixing Speed Racer for good".

5. Immediately fails you because his Carmen Miranda-style hat doesn't fit in your Escort.

4. Day One: "Chinese Fire Drills", "Basic Mooning Techniques" and "Reloading a 9mm at 90 mph."

3. Always divides class into "shirts" and "skins."

2. He yells "England," you're supposed to start driving on the other side of the road.

1. Insists you turn off the headlights and "use the Force."