Final Good Bye
By: Kait
©1999

Mackenzie stared at Jonathan lying still in the hospital bed, his time ticking shortly away. The beeps of machines and the sound of nurses milling in the background muffled out Mackenzie’s sobs. She held his hand snaking her arms through tubes. Jon opened his eyes and smiled at her weakly, “you know you will be alright Mack.” “Says who?” Mackenzie said as she took the washcloth and wiped the sweat off his face. “Me,” Jon smiled. It amazed her daily that he could still show signs of happiness in the midst of radiation and the immediate effects of it. “I can’t do this without you baby,” Mackenzie cried openly as she kissed the back of his hand. “Nah nah nah,” Jon shook his head, “I don’t want to hear that. You know I’ll be watching you from wherever I am.” “I want you to watch me from here,” Mackenzie sobbed, “next to me. Where you belong.” “I’d like that too,” Jon smiled as he lifted his heavy hand to her face and rubbed her cheek, “but you know I can’t do that. It’s my time Mack.” Her chin began to tremble; “no it’s not. It’s not Jon.” “I’m ready to go,” Jon said, trying to comfort all her fears as he closed his eyes again, “I love you Mackenzie.” The soft-spoken words filtered into the air as his every muscle relaxed as he slept.

**Hold on. Hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell. Hold on. Hold on to yourself. You know that only time can tell, what is it in me that refuses to believe, this isn’t easier then the real thing. My love, you know that you’re my best friend. You know that I’d do anything for you and my love, let nothing come between us, my love for you is strong and true. Am I in heaven here or am I… at the crossroads I am standing. So now you’re sleeping peaceful, I lie awake and pray that you’ll be strong tomorrow and will see another day and we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile across your face. Oh god if you’re out there won’t you hear me. I know we’ve never talked before and oh god the man I love is leaving, won’t you take him when he comes to your door. Am I in heaven or am I in hell, at the crossroads I am standing. So now you’re sleeping peaceful I lie awake and pray that you’ll be strong tomorrow and we will see another day and we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile across your face. Hold on, hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell.**

“Do you want water?” Mackenzie’s mother, Sharon, asked as her daughter entered the waiting room. “I want Jon,” Mackenzie sighed as she took hold of the wall, “but he’s gone. He’s gone.” “Oh honey,” Sharon said, putting her hand to her mouth, “I’m sorry.” “Twenty years,” Mackenzie sobbed, as she cringed away from her mother's touch, "that is no life Twenty years? People are married for twenty years. People do not die after only twenty years of living. It just… doesn’t happen.”

Tears rolled down Mackenzie’s face as a doctor approached. “He requested you have this,” the doctor whispered as he placed Jon’s ring in Mackenzie’s hand. “He’s really gone?” Mackenzie asked helplessly as she slid the oversized ring onto her finger. “I’m sorry ma’am,” the doctor said quietly.

**FIVE DAYS LATER**
“… And he never complained about treatments. He sincerely believed this was his time to go. I find that odd, cause I have yet to understand how he could be taken. He was loved, and knew how to love so completely. It’s just.” Mackenzie paused as the words on the paper before her became blurred.

Justin entered the church quietly; tucking his tie into his jacket as his eyes came across her. His heart ached for her and he wondered how people simply sat around and watched her suffer through the pain of it all.

“He was my everything,” Mackenzie continued, “my sun. My moon. My stars. The reason why I’d fight my way through days and the reason I’d dream at night.” Again Mackenzie paused and sobbed. Justin made his way down the aisle and sat in a pew a few rows back, watching as people readily let tears roll down her cheeks. “I…. I… I…” Mackenzie stuttered as she doubled over and covered her mouth. Her paper full of words declaring love and respect for Jon scattered on the floor. Justin looked around, waiting for someone to go and hug her, support her, anything.

He stood up and adjusted his jacket, “C’mon Mac.” His arms wrapped around her shoulder as he led her down the center aisle. They stepped out of the church and into the sun.

“I can’t believe I just did that,” Mackenzie said as she covered her face with her hands, “I mean… I had an obligation to Jonathan. To his family letting them know how much he meant to me but… I choked. I had everything written out.”

Justin, her friend for years looked toward the sky; “do you want to go back in? If it is that important to you… I’ll read it for you. I’ll read the rest on behalf of you.”

“Would you please?”

“Yeah,” Justin nodded as he took her hand and led her back into the church. All eyes locked on them as they took short quick steps back to the podium.

“Umm…” Justin began, not loosening his grip on Mackenzie’s hand, “Mackenzie is unable to do this at the moment, so I will be reading the rest of her speech for her.” Justin cleared his throat and began; “it started four years ago… I was fourteen, he was sixteen…”

The line of people extended on for when seemed like forever. Mackenzie knew Jonathan had been important to a lot of people, but not this many. The line of people shook her hand, gave her hugs as Justin stood feet behind in support of her. All of them had two words to say, two words that made them all the same. ‘I’m sorry.’ Mackenzie never got why that was said when someone died. Sorry for what? Sorry for the hours upon hours of treatment Jon had to undergo. Sorry that they hadn’t been there, hadn’t seen him at his worst. Sorry that he died. Or sorry for the poor little girl who was nothing without him.

“The speech was lovely,” one of Jon’s aunts said as she embraced her. “Thanks,” Mackenzie smiled as convincingly as she could; “it would have been nicer if I was able to read it.” “No no dear,” the old woman said as she brushed her fingertips over Mackenzie’s tear stained cheeks, “your friend, Justin, I believe. He did a lovely job. You wrote it, he said the words, but you wrote them. It is nice to know that Jonathan was loved by someone like you.” Mackenzie stifled a gasp as he words cut her deep. “I was the lucky one,” Mackenzie whispered as she grabbed the woman’s hand.

She looked back at Justin and smiled, “how many more?” she asked.

“About fifteen. Give or take,” Justin said as he surveyed the line.

“Good cause I just want to go home and sleep the pain away,” Mackenzie said quietly, so that only Justin heard her. She was embraced again; and again met with the words I’m sorry.

-Later that Evening-
Mackenzie tossed and turned in her sleep. Justin watched her from the chair in the corner of the room and debated whether to wake her or not. “Jon,” she mumbled into her pillow, “Jon. JON!” Mackenzie shot up from her bed and self-consciously held the covers around her half-naked body.

Justin sat at the edge of the bed and took her hand in his, “Mac it’s alright.”

“No it isn’t,” Mackenzie said in a frenzy as she tossed the covers off her body, “it’s Jon. He needs me.”

Justin looked on in confusion; “Jon is dead Mac.”

“No he isn’t,” Mackenzie said coolly as she pulled a shirt over her head, “that was a dream. He called me just now and I need to go see him. He wants to see me.” Her bare legs caught a chill and she froze right where she stood.

“MAC!” Justin called to her, trying to break her daze, “MAC!” He reached for her hand again and pulled her toward him, “Jon is dead,” he whispered solemnly.

“He can’t be,” Mackenzie sobbed into Justin’s shoulder, “we had plans. He wouldn’t leave me alone. We were going to get married and we were going to have children. In June, a pretty wedding, I’d wear white and people would talk about us for years and years. How much we loved each other. How we were made for each other. They won’t say that now Justin, they can’t.”

"Shh…" Justin hushed her as he smoothed down her hair, "it's okay Mac; it will all be okay."

"How?" Mackenzie asked. The one word holding so much weight. Justin pondered it for a second, thinking of numerable ways to answer it. "I don't know," Justin sighed finally, "but you will. Cause you, Mac, are the strongest person I know." "No I'm not," Mackenzie began a small smile filtering onto her face, "I just let people think that."

Months had passed and Justin didn't leave Mackenzie alone for a minute. Where she was it was a sure thing he wasn't far behind. He worried about her terribly, her mood swings, her depression, her quiet demeanor. She was so different then the friend he had left mere months ago. The one who was happy, the one who was in love.

"Penny for your thoughts," Justin whispered as he stood at the sliding glass door leading to the balcony. Mackenzie turned and smiled at him weakly, "you know you don't have to pay to hear my thoughts. You just have to ask." Justin stepped onto the balcony and sighed deeply, "okay… what are you thinking?"

Mackenzie thought briefly and hugged herself against the cold. She looked from Justin to the star filled sky, "I was thinking about how beautiful it must be up there. How peaceful." "Are you?" Justin asked as he leaned on the railing and looked toward her face, which was becoming soaked with tears.

She nodded slightly, "and wondering why my heart continues to beat, even though I beg for it to stop."

Justin was taken a back by her words, "you don't mean that."

"What am I good for here?" Mackenzie asked honestly, "all I do it act as baggage for you. Which you don't need… you have so much going for you, you won't miss me if I go."

"Of course I'd miss you. I'd be lost without you Mac," Justin said pleadingly. "You'd be sad. You'd mourn. You'd deal," Mackenzie rambled off without feeling. "You, of all people cannot say that," Justin said, his level of anger growing. Mackenzie stared at him defiantly, her eyes took on a cold and glassy stare. "I'd be lost. I'd miss you the way you miss Jon," Justin said quietly as he took her hands in his.

"You'd what?"

"I'd miss you… I'd miss you terribly," Justin said as he pulled her into an embrace. Mackenzie fell into his arms helplessly searching for the lost piece of her soul in him. "My god Mac," Justin whispered as he pulled away from her and took her face in his strong hands, "you need help."

Mackenzie turned her eyes back up to the sky and Justin took his hands off her face. "You ever wish on those?" Mackenzie asked as she gestured to the stars. Justin shrugged. "Do you think that works?" she asked turning to face him. "Worth a try," Justin whispered as he took her hand.

Mackenzie closed her eyes and let the breeze cascade over her cheeks, "star light. Star bright; first star I see tonight; I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight," she paused for a moment then continued, "I wish… I didn't have to be so sad all the time."

"That one's easy to take care of," Justin sighed as he tucked her hair behind her ear, "you'll be happy again. I promise it. No… I guarantee it."

*~*The Next Week*~*
"I don't want to leave you here alone," Justin whispered as he watched Mackenzie unpack her bags, "especially in this house. Mac, just say the word and I'll call the guys tell them I can't do the show with them." Mackenzie laughed quietly, "go. Do the show. I'll watch, I'll cheer you on." Justin kissed the tip of her nose, "I will call as soon as I get to New York and give you the phone number of where I'm staying."

"You worry too much," Mackenzie laughed as Justin started toward the front door.

Mackenzie watched as Justin spoke to the reporter about the tour. She had got up extra early just to watch him on the morning show. She laughed as he told the woman of how much he enjoyed touring. About how it was the most fun part of what he did. She pressed stop on her VCR and decided to run a bath.

She poured bubbles into the tub and waited for it to full. Meanwhile she undressed in her bedroom and slipped into Jon's warm robe. She hugged it against her body, his scent still evident on it. Sadness racked her body and she felt her knees grow weak. She strolled into the bathroom and turned off the water.

Staring down at the bubbles she felt her pain grow. Turning around she let her fingers walk to contents of the medicine cabinet. All Jon's medicine laughed at her, mocking her. Urging her to swallow all the pills.

She grabbed a handful of pills and started toward her kitchen. She filled a glass with some wine that was left over from one of her and Jon's nights together. She popped 2 pills at a time, washing them down with the wine. Soon the world around her blurred and all sounds were heard as echoes. She barely heard the phone ring as she collapsed to the cold linoleum floor.

"Why isn't she picking up?" Justin paced back and forth in the hotel room, "I know she's home. It's not even 9AM yet."

"Maybe she's sleeping," JC said thoughtfully as he sipped some tea.

"No… JC…" Justin shook his head, "something's wrong. Something is really wrong." Justin dialed one of his and Mackenzie's mutual acquaintances and convinced her something was wrong. He told her where Mackenzie hid the key to her apartment and told her to check up on her, then call back when she had. Either way. Good or bad.

*~*At Mackenzie's Apartment*~*
"MACKENZIE!" Lydia called through the front door, "JUSTIN SENT ME OVER HERE TO CHECK ON YOU! HE'S PARANOID THE FRIEND OF YO…." She stopped abruptly when she came across Mackenzie's prone, lifeless body on the floor, "OH MY GOD! MACKENZIE WAKE UP!"

Lydia picked up the phone and dialed 911, praying they would get there in time. She checked Mackenzie's pulse feeling a dull pulse.

*~*At the Hospital*~*
Lydia stood at the pay phone and dialed the number that she had scribbled down sloppily on a piece of paper. Justin's name was barely readable and she sighed as the phone began to ring.

"Hello," Justin answered frantically.

"Hey Justin. It's Lydia."

"GOD!" Justin exclaimed with a small laugh, "what took you so long? Did you two go shopping and forget about me?"

"Justin," Lydia sighed, " Mackenzie is in the hospital."

"She's wh… what? How? Why?"

"She attempted suicide Justin. She took some pills with some wine," Lydia explained as she glared through the large window that separated her from her friend.

"She's all right," Justin said surely, "tell me she's okay."

"She got her stomach pumped. They said she's stable, but… it's just really scary," Lydia began to cry.

"I'll be down as soon as I can get on a plane," Justin said shakily.

~ 5 Hours Later - Orlando, Florida - University Hospital ~

Justin rushed into Mackenzie's room without knocking and found her playing with the blanket. Her eyes were distant and cold. "I knew I shouldn't have left you," Justin said softly, but surely. Mackenzie lifted her sad eyes to him, "I'm sorry," she whimpered, "Justin. I'm sorry."

Justin rushed to her bed side and took hold of her hand through a wall of tubes, "what happened to being happy Mac?"

"What happened to life being fair?" she asked back weakly.

"And who ever said it was fair?"

"No one. But it should be. Jon should be here, I shouldn't be tied up to these tubes. You shouldn't worry about me," Mackenzie rambled as tears began to emerge from her eyes. Justin watched her helplessness and felt his heart pain for her. He leaned in and cut off her ramblings by placing a kiss on her lips. When he pulled away, Mackenzie shook her head, "that can't happen. We can't… no… Justin. Just NO!" She wiped her lips off with the back of her IV-less hand.

"I didn't…" Justin said as he let go of her hand and looked down at the tile floor, "I didn't… It's just that… you scared me. I came close to losing you today… something I thought we both understood wasn't going to happen."

Mackenzie yawned, "I'm tired Justin please."

~ 2 days later ~
"Home swee…" Justin trailed off and bit his lip as he watched Mackenzie cautiously look around the house.

"Do you know where she found me?" Mackenzie asked, "I think I was in the kitchen… but I'm not sure… I'm not sure about much from that day."

"The kitchen," Justin said quietly as he followed her into the room. Nothing had been touched since she left for the hospital. The wine glass was set on the counter and half full. 4 pills lay next to it. Justin looked from her to the display, "why don't we get you to bed. The doctor said you need to relax."

"Relax," Mackenzie laughed slightly, "imagine how relaxed I'd be now if no one found me."

"Don't say that," Justin said sternly as he took her hand, "don't EVER say that again. This time I mean it. We'll get you help."

"Help?" Mackenzie laughed through tears, "help? Justin why are you so intent on helping me."

"You mean 5 years of friendship isn't enough for you?" Justin asked with anger, "the fact that I love you more then anything. There you go… I said it. Loud and clear. I love you Mackenzie." She was taken aback by his admittance, "no you don't."

"Yes I have for a long time," Justin said quietly, "but I had put that all in the back of my mind. You were with Jon and… I had forgotten it all or at least learned to deal with it, that was until the night on the balcony. When you wished on that star."

Mackenzie swallowed hard, remembering that night when she fell into his arms and searched for a part of him that could complete her, but came up empty. The night he promised her happiness, and all this time she was blind. She hadn't seen or even suspected it, "I remember."

Justin nodded, "why do you think I've put up with you so long?" he laughed.

"I thought I was your charity case," Mackenzie smiled as she lifted her shaky hand and ran her fingers through her hair, "ya know. If reporters wanted to talk to me, I couldn't say anything bad about you or anything. Cause you've only brought good to me."

"That's cause I love you," Justin said again, this time stronger then the previous two times. Mackenzie nodded her head knowingly as she walked toward him and placed her hand on his shoulder. Their eyes met, "you know I'm not ready for any of this," she said quietly as she placed her head on his shoulder. "I know," Justin nodded.

~ 6 months later ~
Mackenzie tossed the rose onto the marble context of Jon's gravestone. She looked back at Justin who was leaning against his car.

"You love him don't you?" Jon's voice came across as a whispering wind. Mackenzie looked around in confusion. "You love him don't you?" the voice repeated. Mackenzie looked up toward the clear blue sky. "Just answer me Mack," Jon's voice whispered again. Mackenzie nodded.

"Tell him."

Mackenzie remained silent as she felt a sense of warmness come over her being, "it's okay with me if you love him." The wind caused her hair to billow as the warm feeling floated away. She felt her eyes water as she kissed her fingertips and ran them over Jon's name.

Turning around she slipped her sunglasses back on, covering her puffy eyes and started toward Justin.

~ At the Apartment ~
"Movie tonight?" Justin asked as he flipped through the TV Guide. "No," Mackenzie shook her head.

"Something wrong?"

"You'll think I'm weird if I tell you," Mackenzie shook her head.

"Just tell me," Justin laughed.

"I… Jon was there with me today," Mackenzie whispered, "he spoke to me. He held me. It was like… his final good bye."

"That's very… Unsolved Mysteries of him," Justin laughed a little.

"He told me something," Mackenzie said, "made something clear."

"What's that?"

"The fact that… he said I should tell you that I love you."

"Well," Justin said as he moved around uncomfortably in the chair, "umm… well… I tend to agree with him. That is if it's in fact true."

"Which it is," Mackenzie spat out. As soon as the words left her mouth she bit at her lip.

"Huh?"

"It's true," Mackenzie said after some silence, "I love you." Justin shook his head and started toward her, "how long have you…" "A while I guess," Mackenzie shrugged as Justin's arms encircled her waist, "I just… needed him to say his final good bye."

THE END



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