Snow White and the Seven Short Men

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A FRACTURED FAIRY TALE

"SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN SHORT MEN"

AS TOLD BY THE MIRROR

Hello. I would like to tell you the story of Snow White. Not that version that you always hear. Seven dwarves! Ha! There's a good laugh! Those guys were four feet tall and didn’t have a drop of dwarfish blood in them, and "Who's the fairest one of all?" I'll tell you who's the fairest one of all. Me, the Mirror. As I was saying. here's the real story.

The Queen (being vainer than a peacock) bought me from a peddler. She thought she had bought a mirror that would tell her how beautiful she was. Now I love a good joke so I played along, but after a while I got bored. I decided to play a little joke on the Queen. The next time she asked who was the fairest, I told her it was her step-daughter. You see her step-daughter Snow White had to be the ugliest girl ever. I mean uuuuuugly. This girl could curdle milk just by looking at it.

The Queen threw a royal fit. She nearly broke me, but luckily she got a better idea. She decided to get rid of Snow White. You guys don't know how hard it was for me not to confess, but I held my tongue.

She sent Snow White and one of the finest hunters, named Reginald Charming, on a stroll through the woods. Earlier that day the Queen had instructed the hunter to take Snow White to a glade and kill her and to bring back her heart in a golden box. The hunter had gladly agreed (he considered Snow White a royal eyesore). They started off toward the glade. When they arrived the hunter started to draw his knife, but before he could do anything Snow White leaned over and kissed him. The hunter screamed with a mixture of horror and agony, then ran off ...still screaming.

He sprinted to the nearest stream where he washed out his mouth. He then calmly walked over to a nearby farm where he bought a pig. He then killed the swine and took its heart and put it in the golden box. He wasn't afraid of the Queen. He was just afraid that the Queen would send him back after Snow White.

Snow White shaking off the rejection, (after all she had suffered many) started off for the castle. Unfortunately she had a poor sense of direction and went the wrong way. When she finally realized she had made a mistake she had arrived at a small cottage. With her usual princess attitude, she walked in and demanded food and water.

The occupants of the house were seven short men (not dwarves!!!!!) names Itchy, Stinky, Hairy, Crabby, Crazy, Greedy, and Dummy.

The men were struck by her beauty (comes from being in the woods to long) and let her stay. They cared for her and offered her delicacies (which were clean water and mushrooms which weren't rotten), but none of this mattered to Snow White for she longed to go back to the palace.

By this time the hunter, Reginald Charming, had arrived back at the palace and had given the Queen the golden box that he said contained Snow Whites heart, but when the Queen asked me, I told her the truth. OOOooooo!!!! She threw the biggest fit you ever saw! At first she sentenced the hunter to death, but she changed her mind. She had a better idea. At the moment she had completely forgotten about Snow White. You should have seen that hunters face when she told him. He even started to cry. You'd think being made a prince would be something to cheer about.

Meanwhile back at the cottage a poor widow was visiting Snow White, and being neighborly.

She offers Snow White an apple. Snow White (who could never pass up food) took a huge bite of the apple. As soon as she did out popped a little worm. Snow White fainted dead away. When the short men got back and found Snow White, they thought her dead. They searched for anyone who might have done this terrible crime, but the lady had wisely left.

The men went to bury Snow White, but as they were , they heard a hunting horn blown by one newly crowned Prince...Reginald Charming. Smiling he knelt down and kissed Snow White. Snow White (waking up) kissed him back. You may wonder why in the world the Prince did this. I'll tell you why. He was under a spell that made Snow White look like the most beautiful person in the whole kingdom thanks to me and the Queen.

The spell lasted right up to his wedding vow. Snow White (who had been crying tears of joy had just made her vow and the minister was asking Prince Charming. As he said those two little words, the spell wore off, and the Prince started to cry, but for a completely different reason than Snow White had.

I told the Queen (who had been so mad at the hunter, she had forgotten all about me calling Snow White fairer) how perfect her plan to get back at Reginald had been. Then I started laughing. I couldn't stop. When the Queen asked what was so funny I cracked. I told her everything. I couldn't help myself. Boy she was mad, but anyway back to Snow White.

Snow White and Prince Charming lived unhappily ever after along with six kids. Eventually Reginald ran off with a girl named Cinderella, but don't get me started there. The version you always hear is what Snow White invented when her kids asked how she and Prince Charming met.

THE END.

By the way, anyone in the market for a slightly cracked magic mirror?


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