The Script/Ship That Won't Sink
Won't Go Away
Won't Quit Playing Its Theme Song!
THE TITANIC
Enjoy Titanic Web Pad - Great Web Pad with Photo
of Original Titanic.
Here is The Titanic in 5 minutes!
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to
nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be Soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here
and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until
the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiance's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like
dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to
my fiance, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me,
and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll
throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at
least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours,
and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you,
even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat
on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact
that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry
indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity
be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might
not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three
weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater
in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here:
(to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-
less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to
this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to
the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and
save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making
my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my
ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me, Mr.Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my
knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond!
Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoyingly overplayed
Celine Dion song.)
THE END
Back to Tatu's Leo Page
-->
Email: tatuahlberg@hotmail.com
Enjoy Titanic Web Pad - Great Web Pad with Photo
of Original Titanic.
Here is The Titanic in 5 minutes!
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to
nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be Soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here
and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until
the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiance's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like
dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to
my fiance, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me,
and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll
throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at
least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours,
and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you,
even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat
on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact
that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry
indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity
be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might
not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three
weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater
in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here:
(to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-
less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to
this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to
the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and
save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making
my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my
ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me, Mr.Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my
knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond!
Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoyingly overplayed
Celine Dion song.)
THE END
Back to Tatu's Leo Page
-->
Email: tatuahlberg@hotmail.com
Here is The Titanic in 5 minutes!
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to
nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be Soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here
and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until
the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiance's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like
dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to
my fiance, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me,
and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll
throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at
least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours,
and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you,
even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat
on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact
that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry
indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity
be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might
not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three
weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater
in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here:
(to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-
less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to
this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to
the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and
save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making
my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my
ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me, Mr.Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my
knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond!
Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoyingly overplayed
Celine Dion song.)