Leonardo DiCapitated!

     "Hoover nobody....does it like you!", came the words from the television.
     "That's what I need! A Hoover Wind Tunnel Supreme!", exclaimed young Leonardo. Leo was going through a slump in his life. He was a nineteen year old actor who was very well known. He was approximately five feet ten inches tall, he had bleach blond hair, blue eyes and his head was shaped so it resembled an acorn. He was also so bony he looked like a scare crow.
     Leo had a problem at this point in his career, the tabloids that were always writing and publishing articles about him had finally gone too far. They published an article that said he was a "mama's boy" and that he never dated. This article raised many of his fans to believe he was gay. Not to mention, Playgirl magazine was saying that it would publish nude photos of him. Now everyone would know that he has no sexorgans!
     Leo had just made a movie called The Man in the Iron Mask. He was supposed to go to the Hollywood premier the next day and he wanted to put an end to the rumers.
     When Leo saw the commercial for the Hoover vacuum cleaner he suddenly had an idea. He could make the public think that he had been on a date. He could give himself hickeys with a vacuum cleaner. That would make people believe that he had been with a girl.
     Leo immediately got ready and left. He caught a taxi and headed straight for the mall.
     "Hey, aren't you that gay kid, Leonardo the Faggio?", asked the cab driver with a grin on his face, swerving through traffic as he looked back at Leo.
     "I AM NOT GAY!", exclaimed Leo as he flung open the door and leaped from the moving car. As he rolled to a halt in the street he decided to continue his journey to the mall on foot.
     "Hey sexy," said a man driving by. Leo turned around to see who was speaking and immediately saw the rainbow sticker and the "Gay Rights" bumper sticker on the rear of the car. He scoffed to himself as he pressed on. Along the rest of his escapade many other homosexuals hit on him with corny pick up lines.
     Leo had finally made it to the mall. He made his way to the map near the entrance in the main lobby and found the arrow that says, "you are here." Now since Leo is a dumb actor he cannot read so the map did no good for him at all so he was forced to wander aimlessly through the mall.
     Eventually our young vagabond came to the Hoover store. He went inside and asked the salesman to show him the Wind Tunnel supreme.
     "Aren't you that queer?", asked the salesman.
     "No," replied Leo, "just show me the vacuum." The man showed him the vacuum and when Leo saw the $249.99 price tag on the extravagant piece of equipment he was slightly discouraged but it wasn't much to sacrifice for a movie star so he got it anyway. He purchased the vacuum and started home.
     As Leo was waiting for a taxi many people were giving him weird looks, I mean come on the guy was standing there with a vacuum cleaner. A taxi finally came and pulled over to the curb and if it wasn't the same cab driver.
     "I think I'll walk," said Leo. So he packed up his vacuum and walked home. By the time he arrived home he was very mad because of all the weird looks he got and all of the gays that came on to him.
     Leo walked in the door and quickly unwrapped his new prize and looked at it with anticipation. Hurriedly he tooks the cord and plugged it into a wall outlet singing the Hoover song the whole time. He got the vacuum ready to go and flipped the switch.
     "Listen to her purr.", he said to himself. He gently caressed the handle and slowly pulled the hose off of the back. "You will solve all of my problems.", he remarked.
     Leo slowly moved the hose nozzle closer and closer to his neck. Eventually the hose made contact. "Aaaaaaaaaaaah!", screamed Leo in pain, "it's too powerful!" The vacuum motor strained as the whole thing shook. Leo quivered in anguish. Slowly blood began to collect around the hose of the machine . "Get it off!", he cried but no one heard him.
     Slowly the Hoover began to suck out Leo's throat. He gurgled as his lungs became saturated with his own blood. The vacuum jumped repeatedly as it devoured his veins and muscles. Blood seeped from the grooves in the Hoover. Leonardo was clearly doomed.
     Eventually the poor boy's neck was completely gone. His head lay lifeless on the floor and his body was still twitching as the Hoover shorted out and stopped with a puff of smoke. Leo had underestimated the power of a Hoover, he never realized the meaning of the song.
     Later in the night Leo's mom came home from her late night escapades and noticed that something is wrong. She opened the front door and walked in only to find her son Leonardo, decapitated.