Christmas! The time of year when family members gather around the hearth to bond and express love and good cheer whilst the smell of pine trees and freshly baked goods wafts throughout the loving household. Yeah, right! Maybe in a Norman Rockwell painting! But not in any other family we've seen lately! These dayds it seems most family members can barely stand to be in the same room with each other, let alone exchange gifts and pleasantries! And so it is with these pathetic, screwed-up people in mind that I now present...
Christmas Carols
For
Dysfunctional Families
It Started With a Glass of Beer
(Sung to the tune of "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear")
It start-ed wi-ith a glass of beer-
The way it so often does;
Soon (place boys name here) had knocked off a pint of rye,
And Marge had one helluva buzz;
The yell-ing started 'round half past nine,
The slaps and the punches at ten;
The screams grew loud and the neighbors knew,
The 2* were at it again!!!
His eyes were bla-ack from countless blows;
Her body was bloodied and raw;
His nose was broken-he'd lost four teeth
From stopping a vase with his jaw'
They've loathed each other since God knows when,
And neither shows any remorse;
They'll stick together because they know
The Church won't permit a divorce!!!
Hark! The Gossip Fills The Air
(Sung to The Tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing")
Hark! The gossip fills the air-r
Mom's begun a new affair;
Sneaking off to get her ki-icks-
Down the road at Motel 6;
Filled with mid-life lust and hunger;
Ev'ry year she likes them younger;
Who'd have thought her days she'd spend
Getting it on...with my best friend!
Shack-ing up for days on end
Getting it on...with my best friend!
3*****the Deadbeat Father
(Sung to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")
3***** the deadbeat fath-er
Won't support his fam-i-ly
Dooming his wife and children
To a life of pov-er-ty.
3** enjoys the good life
Takes a Roy-al Princess cruise;
Makes it with busty bim-bos
Drinks the most ex-pen-sive booze.
When the law got on his trail
3***** changed his name,
Grew a moustache and goatee,
Had some plastic sur-ger-y.
3***** the deadbeat fath-er
Loves the glitter and the glow;
If he had on-ly known it,
He'd have split ten years ago!
Uncle 4***** is Coming to Town
(Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
You better lock up
The Kiddies today;
A lusty old gent
Is heading your way
Uncle 4***** is coming to town!
He's got a big smile;
He's giving out toys;
He's hot as can be
For underage boys
Uncle 4***** is coming to town!
He's such a jolly fellow;
He's always full of fun;
He'll lure your kid
In-to his room
For a game of "One-on-One"!
And should he strike out,
He doesn't much car;
The Internet's filled
With kiddie-porn there
Uncle 4***** is coming to town!
Every Week They Drop Another Grand
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
There it stands
The casino;
Mom's Inside,
Playing keno;
She's there night and day;
She can't stay away;
Ev'ry week she drops
another grand.
See my dad
Roll the dice there;
He doubles his bets
As well as his debts;
Ev'ry week he drops
another grand.
Yesterday they repossessed
our Taurus;
Dad's now cashing out his I-R-A;
Things are even worse foor
Cousin horace
Beaten up by bookies he
can't pay.
Christmas Eve
There's no tree here;
Folks are gone
There's just me here;
They're trying once more
To make a big score
You can bet they'll drop
another grand!
Fill the House
(Sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls")
Fill the house with jubbilation!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Billy Bob is on probation!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
5**** slept with brother 6*****!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Now she's in her third trimester!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Give a cheer we're all together!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
7***** is into whips and leather!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
8***** has formed his own militia!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
9*****'s a pimp for cousin 10*****
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Gather 'round and give a blessing!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Uncle 11***** is still cross-dressing!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
12***** is on the floor with 13*****
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Stoned on home-grown marijuana!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Join our Christmas celebration
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Make our house your destination
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Ev'ry year's a real hum-dinger
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Catch us soon on Jerry Springer!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Thanx... That's it.... Now go back to my Home Page, and wait
patiently for more lyrics that I will write. The next one's are going to be