MY TESTIMONY

Well let us begin shall we.......this is how I came to be the child of God I am today.............

Well let me start at the beginning......I was born on February 3rd 1975 in Chicago Illinois. My father was expecting a boy but "surprise" I was a beautiful baby girl. But even though I was a disapointment to my father God had other plans.

Two years later my little twin sisters where born. My father spent lots of time with my sisters because he thought that twins where special. But God knew what he was doing!! Thank you Lord!

Well my father and mother had a rocky marriage for 13 years. I remember the fights and the arguements. One time I remember him getting so mad he ripped the phone out of the wall and kicked the t.v. in. We ran out of the house and hid till he calmed down.

I attended preschool thru 8th grade in a private "Christian" school. It was hard for my sisters and I to go there. Most of the families in that school were wealthy and very active in the Community. We did not fit in with the other kids and put up with much verbal and physical abuse from the other students.

I didn't really have any friends at the private school. My sisters and I where not all that close either so we really did not even have that to fall back on. And my poor mother did all she could to buy us the basics but most of the money went for the bills.

I learned that the best way to cope and hide the situation at home and at school was by hiding the pain inside.

In the 8th grade I started to eat to hide the pain! I gained 50 pounds!! My father had fun with this fact! He always called me horrible names and this gave him one more thing to torment me about! I hated life, I hated the school, I hated my father, and I hated God! How could the God who they talked about at the school allow my father to beat my mother and us girls and let the kids that where "Christians" pick on us so bad? My one sister and I seperated even more by the strife in our house. I remember hating her growing up because and feeling like I was totally alone. We did not even have each other to lean on.

In 1989 two big things happened my mother finally had enough money for the divorce, she had also become aware of the amount of abuse he was giving us girls. And the second thing was she met my step-dad after not seeing him for years!

Things got a little better but I started dating and my opinion on guys was all messed up! My role model was my father so I only dated men who where older and like to degrade me! I also let them have their way with me.

I stopped using food at this time to help with the pain and started using vodka and pot! I started hanging with a bad crowd at school! I even got beat into a street gang. There I felt finally accepted. They treated me like a family member. I am not saying to feel loved you should go get in a gang. Trust me having six big black guys kick your tush is not my idea of fun. But to be accepted by your peers after never really being was something I was craving and desired.

Well when I was 16 I had enough I tried to kill myself 3x. The first 2X I failed I couldn't go thru with it! The third time I went in the house and took every pill in the house I didn't care what it was I just wanted to die! My friend at the time knew some thing was wrong and called my mother who called a ambulance! Thats when the Lord started talking to me!

I was thrown into rehab and I found out that I had a problem but I didn't know where to go or what to do? I started to go to church and started to help with church activity's but I still hadn't surrendered to the Lord!

It wasn't long before I started to play in the world again but I kept my foot in the door of the church My senior year I decided I needed to get away so I started looking towards college. I knew I would hurt my mother (we are very close) but I had to get away from the pain I felt inside. So I went to Oklahoma and started at a aviation school. It was like this little girl got to be the pretty popular girl. Who wouldn't in a school full of men.

I played in the world till March 1994, To make a long story short I got raped. It has been hard for me even now to talk about it. I could blaim God, my boss at the time, my father, or myself. But I know it was only the man who did this to me faults. And I have even forgiven him. I have not forgiven his actions but I understand only someone in the wrong mind set would do this to someone. I am not cured from it I still have nightmares and have flash backs but I try to lean on God for support.

I was in pretty bad shape mentally and physically from this occurance. And having no one to talk this thru this made it worse. It was hard to find anyone to talk to about the rape. When you see a girl who looks like she can defend herself many people doubt her. They think why didnt she just push him off, or hurt him, why would he rape a girl like her, couldn't she get him to stop by screaming?

Well God put a man in my life right after this situation who helped me figure out that what I really needed was the Lord, Jesus Christ in my life.

I have been thru alot since then. The man who brought me to God married me then fell away from the Lord, We tried for 5 years but I believe we did not listen to God's will for our life and jumped ahead. We divorced last year.