WAZZZUP!! HEY! My pics at the bottom.Sorry for not updateing sooner. i was busy. the offer of your jokes on here is still open. Updated on June 28, 2000.
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.
The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?"
"Well, I should," said the other. Then, with Gallic logic, he added, "But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of
me that she won't let me do any work around the house.
It's incredible."
The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
These three women break out of jail and they hide in this guys barn.
They hide in these sacks. The next day, the police goes to the guy and ask
if they could look in his barn. Of course the guy agreed. Well, the local
sheriff goes in and picks up a stick. He then goes over to the sacks. He pokes
the first one and the brunette inside the bag says "Meow, meow.". The sheriff
says "Oh, cat's in the bag.". He goes to the next one and pokes it. The red
head inside the bag says " Woof, woof". The sheriff says " Oh, a dog's in the
bag." He pokes the next one and the blonde inside the bag says " Potatoes ,
potatoes."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd
(alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing
the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting
more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near
tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was
doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!"
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer.Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher, whose husband had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:
"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
The church service was underway and they passed the collection plate.
When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Whoever put the $100.00 bill in the plate, please stand up."
A gay man stood up and said, "I did."
The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate, I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him!"
During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests.
The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."
To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"
The top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:
17. "I finished the Oreos."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk ?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the
airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number his address, etc.
but to no avail. The cabby said "If you don't have $15, get the hell
out of my cab!". So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the
airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won
big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he
see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy
who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make
the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteenbucks" came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me oral sex during the way?"
"WHAT?!" Get the hell out of my cab,you scum!".
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result -- getting kicked out
of each cab.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied
"Fifteen bucks".
The businessman said, "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they
drove slowly past the long line of cabs,the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
These statements were found on actual products.
On hairdryer instructions Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Frozen dinner that says:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the
bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boots' (pharmacy chain in the UK) children's
cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery after use.
On Nytol:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to
Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains
just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out
but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy
in a Coevette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike
wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of
rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end
to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the
horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the
first 30 miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette
pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road,
the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The
police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other
officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on
a 10 speed bike honking to pass".
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it's done.
Q: How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself accidentally from
the flex performing a perverse sexual act involving womens underwear.
A: I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has
been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.
Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame
the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the
original bulb in place 17 years ago.
Q: How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.
Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.
A: None. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for
illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the
lightbulb lighting up again."
A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting
brighter !!!
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
would have already caused it to happen.
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should
we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social,
economic, and ethnic communities.
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from
jerking.
A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of
the environment.
Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
as to why the last one went out.
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the
state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to
allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800'
number to order an American light bulb.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in
the dark.
Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!
Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a
light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs,
so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we
need a Constitutional ammendment.
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle
screwing one extra lightbulb.
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates
can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other
candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find
out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs,
pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra for his wife.
Clerk: Here are several styles to choose from, sir.
Drunk: This one will do the job!
Clerk: Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?
Drunk: 7 1/2
Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size.
Drunk: Its 7 1/2.
Clerk: Sir, that can't be.
Drunk: 'Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!
Clerk: But, sir--
Drunk: 7 1/2, dammit !!!
Clerk: Perhaps you can tell me how you measured? What did you use?
Drunk: My hat!
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today.
I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a
five dollar bill to a bum."
"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away
like that. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want
to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the
door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says,
"I really want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits...
Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out
"I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
THOUGHTS ON THE WORKPLACE...
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their
wives to let them play golf.
The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a
gourmet dinner for two.
The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting
and laundry.
The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would
let him play.
The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30am and
then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf
course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window
onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in
the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly
continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find
his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of
the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!),
and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to
the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've
seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex
with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to
you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened,
he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him,
"If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything
right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough
to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he
also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make
everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a
row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell,
why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly
agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty
times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then
the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't
kill you like it did the cow?"
Q: What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A: A blow-job with handles.
Two golfers were on a golf course, Bob and Ted.
Bob pulled out his pipe and asked Ted if he had a light.
Ted pulled out a 12-inch lighter and lit the pipe.
Bob asked Ted where he got that lighter from and
Ted said he had a Genie.
Bob asked to see the Genie and asked if he could have a wish.
Ted pulled the Genie out of his golf bag and told him to grant Bob a wish.
Bob said "I wish for a million bucks."
All of the sudden there were a million ducks flying aroud his head.
He asked Ted what was this all about. Bob said, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
Ted said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you he is hard of hearing. Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch BIC?"
A sailor is put on a new ship and every thing goes fine for a couple of weeks, one day he asks he's fellow crewman "Hey what do you do for sex on this ship?".
The crewman says "you, see that gun barrel with the hole in it over there well just put your cock in it".
The sailor thought it was a bit odd but in desperation he does it anyway. He finds it unusually enjoyable so he does it again the day after that and the day after that.
The next day he see's the crewman and says "wow that was great, can I do it everyday?" the crewman says "yeah, except for Wendsdays" and sailor asks "Why not Wendsdays?" and the crewman says "Because Wednesdays are your turn in the barrel"
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded
by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he
said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are
not screwed.
Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of
the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."
A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak to the pharmacist. "Do you have anything for hiccups?" he asked.
Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and gave the man a sharp smack on the shoulder. "Did that help?" he inquired.
"I don't know," the startled man replied. "I'll have to ask my wife. She's waiting in the car."
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About six beers.
Little Billy pestered his reluctant father into taking him to the zoo. "So how was it?" asked his mother when they retrned home.
"Great," the boy replied. "And Daddy liked it, too, especially when one of animals came racing home at 30 to 1."
John lived across the river from his backwoods neighbour, Clarence, and the two fueded constantly. They never missed a chance to throw rocks and yell insults at each other over the water.
One day some engineers came to build a bridge. john was elated and told his wife he was finnaly going to get his hands on Clarence. When the bridge wa complteted, John headed off but returned a few minutes later.
"I never realized how bug that guy is," John said sheepishly to his wife. "I headed for the bridge, then saw the sign:
It's a little known fact the William Tell and his sonwere avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled.
A neighbour noticed one morning that Gloria had made several trips out to her curbside mailbox, even though the mail usually came in late afternoon. When Gloria headed for her mailbox yet again, the neighbour asked, "Expecting a special delivery?"
"No," Gloria replied. "My computer keeps telling me I've got mail."
Clancy went into a pub and ordered a beer. He drank half, then threw the rest at the bartender. Clancy apoligized, explaining it was a compulsion he'd had for years that embarrassed him terribly. The bartender told him to see a physchiatrist and warned him not to come back until he had done so.
A few months later, Clancy again entered the bar and ordered a brew. He drank half and threw the rest all over the bartender
" I told you not to come back here until you'd seen a shrink about your compulsion!" the bartender yelled.
"I have been seeing one," replied Clancy indignantly.
"well, it hasn't done any good," roared the dripping bartender.
"Yes, it has," said Clancy. "I'm not embarressed about it anymore."
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only kid - eventually.
Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and ecided tog et married. Just before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whisk broom.
The groom broom was aghast. "How is this possible" he asked. "We've never even swept together!"
Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!
Zero to dick in 60 seconds.
Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Nice People Swallow!
Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.
Hang Up And Drive!
If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
This car is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often
If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!
If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion
Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.
My wife's other car is a broom.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.
I love cats...dead ones.
I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
My other pages
My blonde jokes page
A guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer,
"What's the name of your penis?".
The guy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your penis.
Mine for example is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just do it.'
That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers,because 'It really
satisfies!".
The customer looked dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a
beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer
asks"Why TIMEX?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin, and keeps
on tickin."
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is
sipping a margarita and says, "So, what do you call
your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, ecause 'Quality is job
one.'"
Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his penis.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,
"The name of my penis is "Secret". Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled
look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because 'IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR
A WOMAN!'"
Go to this site for some great jokes.
TellingJokes.com
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My other jokes page