Ike's Letter To Tay In Heaven (I didn't write this, by the way)
Disclaimer(You gotta read this!! LoL...)
Ya wanna cry?? Ya wanna cry like you've never cried b4?? If so, read this!!!
Hey Tay! How's it going? Do you have TVs up there? I
hope so. You missed 'Friends' last Thursday, so I hope you can catch it this
week. It's so unreal with you not here Taylor. It's hard to imagine you
in heaven. Are you getting to eat plenty of red jelly beans? *laughing* How
about keyboards? Do you have one? I know it wouldn't really be heaven
for you, without a keyboard and a mic! Well, I'm just checking up on you,
little bro. I just wanted to make sure you're OK, and to tell you some stuff
about what happened. It was unbelievable, even for you. And you have pulled
some pretty crazy stunts in the past, Tay. It started out as just a regular Thursday practice. But as we were belting out 'Where's the Love,' I noticed
you kind of lagging behind the beat. I thought it was Zac at first, doing his usual, "I'm the drummer, I can speed us up if I want," but he looked sorta confused too. Then, suddenly, in mid-chorus, you just hit the ground like a ton of bricks. I ran over to you, and immediately yelled at Zac to go get Dad. At first I thought your legs had just given out, but your eyes were closed and your body was completely limp. I just held your head in my lap and waited impatiently for Dad. What happened after that is kind of a blur. It seemed to take the ambulance forever to get here. I got to ride in the back with you though. I just sat there next to you, holding your hand. I kept talking to you about our upcoming tour. You were so excited about that tour, Taylor, that I thought, if I kept talking to you about it, you would just magically wake up. I kept asking you to open your eyes, but you wouldn't. You've always been so stubborn, Tay. *smile* But I didn't give up. I kept telling you that you couldn't leave me, that I needed you. And, to the shock of the paramedics, you did open your eyes! It was just for a second, but you did open them. Even after all the things we've accomplished in our lives, I have never been more proud of you than I was at that moment. At that point, I actually believed you were gonna make it. Beat the odds like you always did.
The three hours in the waiting room ticked by so slowly. Finally the doctor came out to give us an update. We could tell immediately by the look on his face that the news wasn't good. "He's gone," is all he said. My little brother was in there and had just lost the fight of his life, and all this guy could say was, "He's gone." I was filled with so much anger. I wanted to punch the walls, but then, the doctor said that one of us could go in to see you. It was obvious that Mom couldn't handle it, and Dad was trying to comfort her, so I went.
I expected your body to be all cold, you know? But when I took your hand, it wasn't. It just looked like you were sleeping. I squeezed your hand and actually half expected you to squeeze mine back, look up, and smile at me. But you didn't even move. You didn't even move, Tay. Do you know how mad that made me? I grabbed your shoulders and started shaking you. I was screaming at you to open your eyes again. I was the last one who saw you with them open, you know that? I wanted so bad for you to get up. But, when I stopped, and looked at your face, in spite of all my shaking and yelling, you really looked sort of, at peace. It was then that reality hit me. I brushed a strand of loose hair off of your face and kissed your forehead. I wished, then, that I hadn't rambled so much about the tour in the ambulance, and had taken that opportunity to tell you some more important things. We've always been best friends, you and I, since as far back as I can remember. We never said much that we cared about each other, though we both knew that it was understood. Well, it was too late to tell you now. I just climbed up in your hospital bed and laid next to you, holding your hand, until the nurse came in and told me I had to go home.
Heart faliure. None of us could believe it. The van
ride home was completely silent, except for all the sniffing. I immediately ran
up to our room, climbed up on my bed and collapsed. God only knows how long I had laid there and cried before I heard the door open. I looked up hopefully, praying it was you. I wanted so bad for you to march into the room and start yelling about Zac's legos being all over the floor like you always did. But instead, standing in the doorway, was Zac, complete with a red face and
swollen eyes. He must've been thinking the same as me, cuz, with tears rolling
down his face, he instinctively bent down and began picking up his legos.
Zac and I sat together on the floor that night and watched 'Tulsa, Tokyo, and the Middle of Nowhere'. We cried again every time we saw a clip of you performing, knowing we'd never see you play again. Then, we smiled every time you said something in your hilarious Brittish accent. *laughing* You always could crack us up with that one, Taylor. But, when it got to the part after we had gone on that 'flying' ride in Canada, and the camera close-ups on you and you say, "That was absolutely...insane." Neither of us could take it anymore. That's exactly what this whole thing is, Tay, insane. We had to shut the tape off.
That first night without you was the hardest. You know, the next morning, when I woke up, I almost jumped down onto your bed to wake you up! But, all I found was a neatly made comforter and a pillow that hadn't been touched.
A few days passed, and I was supposed to sing 'More Than Anything' at your funeral, which would have been totally appropriate seeing as how, right now "I'd give anything and everything I have just to be with you." But, when I got up there, the words just wouldn't come out. They played the MON recording of 'With You in Your Dreams' instead. It was so ironic to hear your voice singing that, Taylor. That song will have a whole new meaning for all of us. The funeral was private of course, but we did get enough cards and flowers from fans to fill our whole house about a dozen times. You'll be missed all over the world, little brother. You were so valuble to so many people. I hope you knew that.
Back at home, meals still are not taking place, at least not at the kitchen table. No one can bare to sit and look at your empty chair. And you know what makes me the most angry, Tay? All the stuff you're gonna miss. Like your birthdays. What are we supposed to do on March 14th? This one was gonna be your sweet 16. Zac and I were planning a huge blow-out. And dating, what about that? You'll never get married. You won't get to have kids. It's just too much, Taylor. You were too young.
Well, I know you always hated when I rambled, so I will get to the final point. I just wanted to check up on you, and let you know that I'm thinking about you. I miss you a lot. See ya when I get there. I love you.
*****Dear God!!! Aren't you insanely crying right about now??*****