Fade
Away
By: Rhonda
"Will you be alright?" Kristin
asked, concerned. Kevin nodded and looked at her sadly. "I just have to
say good bye," he said softly. He glanced down at their sleeping baby boy
and smiled. Kristin watched as a range of emotions lit her husband's face. She
knew, probably better than anyone, that today had been a long time coming, and
that it was going to be so hard for Kevin. But she also knew that he had to do
it, and she wanted him to. Not that she was selfish, but he was her
husband after all. And now that they had a child, he had to move past this and
commit himself completely to his family. She knew that's what he wanted; he
just had to make his heart feel the same way. Not a piece of her was jealous or
had ever been jealous because the situations were so different. She wanted to
help him let go and hold on at the same time. And above all she did not want
him to hurt anymore.
She came over to where he was standing and
hugged him tightly. "I love you Kris, I do," he whispered fiercely,
wanting to convince her. He needed her to know that it was true; that he did
love her...completely. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.
"I know," she said softly. She pulled back slightly and looked into
his expressive green eyes. "I love you too." He kissed her once and
released her. "I won't be that long," he said as he made his way to
the door. "Take all the time you need. I understand Kevin." He smiled
weakly at her, grateful to have such an understanding and compassionate wife.
~~You left me with
goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don’t
deserve
You were always
invincible in my eyes
The
only thing against us now is time~~
He had made this trip so many times it
seemed he could do it in his sleep. Although recently, with the birth of his
son, he hadn't gone as often. Part of him felt guilty for that, but another
part was angry. He shouldn't have to feel guilty. He had a wife, a family. They
were his responsibility and his life. And there would be no reason to feel
guilty at all if Alex hadn't done what he had. But it wasn't his fault! And
that's what he had finally come to terms with. That it was indeed, not
his fault. There was nothing he could've done differently to prevent what had
happened.
Kevin had tried his best to help him, but
sadly, nothing had reached him. Not even Kevin.... The only person who truly
could've helped Alex, was Alex himself. And so this would be the last time. The
last time to feel his heart break, the last time to feel guilty...the last time
to cry. Kevin knew there would still be times in the future that he would come
here. Maybe once in a while, if he felt the need, or just to visit. But this
ritual of coming every week had to stop. He had to let go and move on, for his
family's sake as well as his own.
~~Could it be any harder,
to say goodbye?
And without you
Could it be any harder,
to watch you go, to face what’s true?
If
I only had one more day~~
"Hey Alex," he said softly.
"I miss you." As he did every week, he sat down in the cool grass and
ran his fingers over the engraved letters of his younger friend's name.
1978-2001. Only 23. Too young, Kevin thought sadly for probably the millionth
time. As it always did, that horrible sense of loss crept over his entire body,
rendering him completely still and unable to think of anything but Alex. He sat
back against the side of the headstone and pulled his knees up to his chest and
let the memories come. This would be the last time....
***
"I don't believe it," Alex
whispered, looking cynically at him. "You said you wouldn't! You said that
we couldn't do it, that no one would accept it that...." He stopped,
unable to say exactly what he wanted. "I changed my mind Alex. For you...I
did it all for you," Kevin said, smiling softly, waiting for him to
believe. "You really told them all? About us? You mean to tell me,"
he said, smiling devilishly and walking closer and closer to Kevin. "That
you sat down with Howie, Nick and Brian and told them that you and I--"
"Are in love? Yes, Alex, I told them. And then I went home and told my
family too." Alex stopped dead in his tracks, finally realizing that Kevin
wasn't kidding. "And this...." he whispered, holding up the key Kevin
had given him. Kevin shook his head and smiled. "Like I said the first
time, that's your key to our house...here. Because I love you and
I will forever. Nothing will change that. No matter what other people think. No
matter what happens in the future. Not even the very probable rejection of my
family. I swear to God Alex...you are the most important thing in my
life."
Alex took one more step and fell into
Kevin's arms, wrapping his own tightly around the older man's neck. Kevin
smiled as he enfolded him into his embrace, letting his hands run slowly up and
down his back. Kevin felt Alex's hot tears on his neck and he held him tighter,
knowing that he would never let him pull back and see him cry. He never let
anyone see him cry. But his body shook slightly with his tears. "Shh
baby," Kevin said softly, his deep voice giving Alex chills. "I love
you," he murmured again, still holding tightly to the younger man. "I
love you too Kevin, so much. I can't believe you did all this for me."
After a few more minutes, Alex pulled back and looked up at him. "What's
wrong?" Kevin asked, seeing the worried _expression in his big brown eyes.
"You said rejection. Kevin, did your family--" "They told me
that...they didn't want to see me if I was going to insist on being with you. I
really don't think they even believe it's true yet. But...they gave me an
ultimatum...you or them. I chose you."
Again, Alex leaned forward into the safety
and warmth of Kevin's arms. "But why?" He asked softly. Kevin sighed,
hating the insecurity that lie in his voice. He pulled back and took the
younger man's face in his hands. "Because I love you, and you make me
happy. More than happy...complete." "Kevin--" "And you
never made me choose Alex," he went on softly, running his fingers over
his soft cheeks. "You waited. You lived your life with me in secret and
never told a soul until I was ready. You didn't have to but you did. And I know
how hard it was for you." "I would've lived that way forever
Kev," he whispered, leaning forward to press his lips to his lover's.
Quickly the kiss became heated until Alex pulled back wide-eyed. "Oh my
God, Kev...what did the guys say?" Kevin laughed and kissed him again.
"They said they already knew and they were just waiting for us to tell
them." Alex smiled. "So, they're not upset or anything?" Kevin
shook his head. "Alex, we can tell your mom now," he said, smiling.
Alex looked away and then back, nervously tugging at the end of his shirt.
"Uh, Kev, I...I already told her...a while ago." "What?!"
"Kevin, you know how close we are, and I just couldn't keep something like
this from her. Besides, she saw how happy I was and she wanted to know
why." He smiled sheepishly and searched Kevin's eyes for a response.
"Are you mad?" Kevin sighed and shook his head. "No, I'm not mad
baby. I understand." Alex smiled happily and threw his arms around Kevin's
neck again. "I love you." "I love you too."
***
Kevin wiped the tears off his face and ran
his hand over the soft grass again. For a while he did nothing but stare up at
the blue sky. That was a happy memory...one of his most cherished.
Unfortunately there were so few more like that one.
~~I’d lie down and blind
myself with laughter
A quick fix of hope is
what I need
And how I wish that I
could turn back the hours
But
I know I just don’t have the power
Could it be any harder,
to say goodbye?
And without you
Could it be any harder,
to watch you go, to face what’s true?
If
I only had one more day~~
***
"Just leave me the fuck alone
Kevin!" Alex screamed as he walked out of the hotel room towards the
elevator. Kevin went after him and grabbed him by the arm. "Don't,"
he said imploringly, looking into his eyes, searching for the man he loved. But
all he saw was hatred. "Alex, don't go...please? I just want--" Alex
ripped his arm away from the older man and sneered at him. "I don't fucking
care what you want! I'm going out and you're not gonna stop me!"
"Fine, see if I care," Kevin snapped, his temper overriding his
concern. "Just don't fucking call me at three in the morning to come and
pick your ass up. Have a great time," he said sarcastically as he turned and
walked away, going back into the hotel room they shared.
As soon as he shut the door he fell back
against it and slid to the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest and
buried his face in it, tears flowing feely from his eyes. "Why can't I
reach you anymore? I miss you so much Alex!" He sobbed painfully. For the
past six months he had watched the man he loved change before his eyes. He had
always been aware that Alex had a dark side of sorts. That bad-boy image he
portrayed wasn't all for show. But recently, he hadn't been able to keep the
demons at bay. And even Kevin, who had always been the only one to be able to
break through his walls, hadn't been able to reach him. He was terrified of
what he saw happening to Alex. He was even more terrified by the fact that he
couldn't seem to help him. Not to mention his heart was breaking.
About a half hour later there was a knock on
his door. "Kevin, can we come in?" It was Nick. Part of Kevin didn't
want to see anybody. But another part, a bigger part, needed someone. Slowly he
stood up and opened the door for Nick and Brian. They were both terribly
saddened by their older friend's tear-stained face and the empty _expression in
his eyes. He looked drained. Nick's loving nature took over quickly. He wrapped
his arms around Kevin and hugged him tightly. They sat down on the bed and
Brian quickly appeared with a glass of water. He sat down next to them and
waited for Kevin to release his grip on Nick. Finally, Kevin let go and wiped
at his eyes. Gratefully, he took the water from Brian and drank it all. The
three of them sat in silence for a while. Kevin was just comforted by their
presence and they seemed to understand that. "Where's Howie?" He
asked, breaking the silence. "He went after AJ," Nick said softly, his
arm still around Kevin's shoulders. "What do you mean?" He asked,
looking up into both of their eyes. "He's worried about him...we all are.
But he still seems to trust Howie. So he played along and said he'd party with
him. But he's planning on watching over him and making sure he doesn't do
anything...too drastic," Brian said softly.
Kevin shut his eyes and nodded. "Kev,
what's wrong with him?" Nick asked in a small, scared voice. Kevin looked
up into his younger friend's eyes and bit his lip. Nick looked so afraid, so
worried about his older friend. But he didn't know how he could help. "I
don't know Nicky," he whispered. "I can't...he won't let me past his
walls anymore. I...oh God, I don't know what to do!" Kevin cried, his precious
control slipping through his fingers. He fell apart and dropped his head into
his hands, crying again. It was Brian who wrapped his arms around his cousin
and slowly rocked him back and forth, trying his best to comfort the older man.
At the same time he reached his hand out and took Nick's in his own, seeing
that his best friend was terrified by Kevin's actions. Nick had always seen
Kevin as the strong one, he knew; his older brother who could face anything.
Hell, they had all seen him that way. But this situation with Alex was tearing
him apart, and Brian didn't know how to help.
About an hour later they were still in
Kevin's room. Brian and Nick were lying on his bed, idly flipping through
channels on TV. Kevin sat by the window, staring out at nothing. When the phone
rang, they all froze and stared at each other for a second before reacting.
Kevin dug his nails into his palm and breathed deeply. He didn't want to know
who was calling or why. Every horrible thing that might have happened to Alex
was running through his mind. "Hello?" Nick answered softly.
"Where?...Is he...Ok good...Yes, I'll tell him, bye." Nick looked
over into Kevin's anxious face. "That was Howie. They're both on their way
back here." "And Alex is...." "Alex is passed out in the
limo," Nick whispered, unwilling to meet Kevin's eyes. Kevin only nodded
and sat back to look out the window again. "Kev, if you need--"
"Can you just help Howie bring him here when they get back?" Kevin
asked, standing up and looking into their eyes. "Sure Kevin," Brian
said softly. "Where are you going?" "I just have to get out of
here, I...I just have to leave right now. Don't worry, I won't be gone
long." With that he turned and left, leaving the two of them saddened and
worried.
Without telling anyone where he was going,
even security, he just went out into whatever city they had been in at the time
and walked. He knew Alex needed help...professional help, but he had no idea
how he could convince him to get it. And he knew that forcing him to get it
would probably result in his losing him. But he had to take that chance. He
loved him too much to just sit back and watch him destroy himself. So he made a
decision then and there to get Alex help, even if it meant losing him forever.
When he finally came back to the hotel about
two hours later it was almost daylight. He found Alex, safe and sound, asleep
in their bed. His arms were curled tightly around Kevin's pillow and all of the
blankets were on the floor. Kevin smiled sadly as he drew closer. Realizing
that this would probably be the last time they would share a bed, Kevin crawled
in next to him and carefully pried the pillow from his hands. He took Alex in
his arms and pulled the covers over them. Tears sprung to his eyes as he felt
the younger man's arms automatically wrap around his waist. He pulled him
closer and kissed the side of his head. "I love you baby. I'll always love
you." "Mmm...love you too Kev," Alex mumbled, never waking up.
Those simple words broke Kevin's heart as he cried himself to sleep. Because he
knew that come tomorrow...he'd never hear them again.
***
"Why wouldn't you let me help
you?" Kevin murmured softly, his hand still petting the soft grass beneath
his fingers. "I would've given my life for you. But you wouldn't let
me." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a simple gold ring. Soon
after they had started living together, Alex had given him the ring. Kevin
smiled at the memory...another of the happy ones, before he had lost
everything.
~~If I only had one more
day…
Well, I’d jump at the chance
We’d drink and we’d dance
And I’d listen close to
your every word
As if it’s your last
I know it’s your last
‘Cause
today, oh you’re gone~~
***
"Close your eyes," Alex whispered,
leading him to a chair in their living room and gently pushing him down onto
it. “Alex, what’s this all about?” He asked impatiently. Kevin hated surprises.
Alex giggled and scolded him lovingly. “Kevin, just shut up a minute, ok?!”
Alex knelt at his feet and took his hand in his own. “Ok, open ‘em,” he said
softly. Kevin did just that and stared down into Alex’s pretty brown eyes. They
were full of love and it made his heart soar. “I love you Kevin. Happy
Anniversary!” He slipped the plain gold band onto the older man’s hand and
waited for his reaction. Kevin bit down on his lip in an effort to keep from
crying. One year. It had been one year since their first time together as
lovers. The strangest thing about it all was that Kevin had bought Alex the
same thing. A simple golden ring. He had wanted to surprise him actually, but
Alex had beaten him to it. He pulled it out of his pocket and put it on Alex’s
finger. “Kevin….” “I love you too Alex. Happy Anniversary,” he said softly,
staring down into the younger man’s eyes. Alex reached up and wrapped his arms
around him tightly.
Turning his head slightly, Kevin captured
his mouth in a deep kiss. Alex sighed softly and opened his mouth. Their
tongues tangled and tasted each other as their hands found their way underneath
clothing. Soon they were a mass of tangled limbs on the floor. As they made
love their souls connected. Fingers laced with each other, mouths fused
together, bodies joined. They became one over and over. Undeniable love washing
over them both until that was all they could feel. “I love you Alex.” “I love
you too Kevin.”
***
Kevin didn’t want to relive his last
memory…at all. But he knew he had to, one last time. If he could just go
through it once more, then maybe he could make the nightmares stop. After all
this time he had resolved himself to admitting that Alex’s death was not his
fault. But it still hurt like hell, and he still dreamt about it. Almost every
night for the past four years he had waken up from the same horrible nightmare.
To save his sanity, he needed to get past it. And so he had to go through it
all one more time, voluntarily this time.
~~Could it be any harder?
To live my life without
you
Could it be any harder?
I’m
all alone, I’m all alone~~
***
As he knew it would be, bringing that doctor
on tour with them was ultimately what destroyed their relationship. Alex went
ballistic. He screamed, he swore, he flat out told Kevin that he hated him. “I
don’t need any God damn help! I can’t believe you would do this to me!” “Alex,
you do need help,” Kevin said gently, reminding himself not to lose his temper,
that Alex needed this. “And for whatever reason, you won’t let me near you to
try. So I—” “You got me a fucking shrink you bastard! A shrink I don’t need!”
“But Alex you do! Please let him help you! I’m so worried about you…you’re
scaring me and—” Alex laughed and looked at him cruelly. Shaking his head, he
smiled meanly and moved closer to Kevin. “No Kevin. I won’t do it. You don’t
understand me at all, do you? Maybe you never did. Maybe everything we thought
we had was just a big lie. Maybe I never loved you at all, did you ever think
of that?” Kevin winced and sucked in a sharp breath. “You know what Kev?” Alex
said flatly, sounding nothing like himself. “I won’t see your shrink, so you
can get that idea out of your head right now. And, I’m really just sick of all
of this. Sick of the four of you breathing down my neck and telling me what to
do. Sick of this fucking stupid way of life that I call my career. And I’m sick
of you. So as of right now, you can consider me gone, out of your life…for good
and forever. I don’t fucking care what contract I signed, but I’m quitting all
of this. Bye, bye Backstreet. And you…I never want to see you again.”
With that final blow to Kevin’s already
broken heart, he turned, left the room and never looked back. Kevin didn’t cry
this time. He wanted to…more than anything else, but he didn’t. Calmly, he
packed up everything that was his in their room and set it out in the hallway.
He went downstairs, got himself another room, came back up and moved his stuff
into it. And there he drowned his sorrows the way his lover had for the past
year…with alcohol. He passed out halfway through the night and never heard Alex
come back to the hotel. Never heard him knock on his door, softly call his
name, whisper ‘I love you’ and slip a small note under the door. He hadn’t
heard any of that.
He woke up the next morning to a pounding on
his door. “Kevin! Kevin, open the door, please!” It was Nick and he sounded
worried. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was around 10 a.m. Groaning, he
ran his hands through his hair and sat up slowly. “I’m coming Nick, will you
stop yelling for God sakes?!” Yanking the door open he looked angrily into the
younger man’s eyes, but froze at what he saw there. Absolute fear…terror.
“What’s wrong Nicky?” “Alex…I…the door to his room was open, so I went in and
he…Kevin, he won’t wake up!” Nick screamed, his voice breaking on the last
words. By this time Brian and Howie had emerged from their rooms as well. But
Kevin was already down the hall, running to Alex’s room.
He found him sprawled out face down in his
bed…their bed. Carefully, Kevin turned him over, a sense of horror spreading
through his body as he realized how cold Alex’s skin was, and pale…it was
unnaturally white. But then he looked up and saw his eyes. His beautiful brown
eyes…cold…dead…staring back at him with nothing in them. Kevin screamed and
shook him violently. “ALEX! Oh God no…wake up! ALEX, FUCKING WAKE UP NOW!”
Kevin screamed, tears spilling over his eyes and down his cheeks onto the cold
body below him. “No, no, no, no…Alex…no,” he sobbed, pulling his body tightly
against him. He rocked him back and forth, cradling the limp form in his arms.
Brian, Nick and Howie had come into the room
after hearing his first screams. They clung to one another now, tears streaming
down each of their cheeks as well. None of them could take watching Kevin
holding Alex’s body and crying. Brian stepped forward slightly to try and reach
him. “Kevin, I—” “Shhh!” Kevin whispered tearfully. “You’ll wake him up. He
hasn’t slept in so long. Don’t wake him up!” “Oh God,” Brian sobbed, his face
crumpling as he stumbled backwards into Nick and Howie’s arms.
No matter what they did, they couldn’t get
Kevin to let him go. The three of them made endless phone calls, each taking
turns watching over Kevin, while the other two continued calling people. It was
obvious from the remnants of white powder and bottles of whiskey that lay on
the floor and table that Alex had died of an overdose of something. After every
possible person they could think of had been called, the three of them once
again settled into Kevin and Alex’s room and watched over him. Still, Kevin sat
on the bed with a lifeless Alex in his arms, rocking him back and forth. The
police showed up later on, but the boys refused to admit them to the room until
they got Kevin out of there.
Towards the end of the day, Kevin’s mother
and two brothers arrived. One look at him holding Alex’s smaller body and
crying dissolved all anger that they had held towards him. Alex’s mother
arrived shortly after Kevin’s family. It was Brian that she held onto for
support as she walked into that room and found her only child dead in the arms
of the man he loved. She was lost. Her one and only reason for living was gone.
But ultimately, it was Denise who managed to get Kevin to let Alex go. She sat
on the bed with him and reached out with a trembling hand to touch her son. Her
heart shattered into thousands of pieces when her hand touched the cold,
lifeless body. “My baby,” she whispered painfully and leaned down to lay her
head against his back. Tentatively, Kevin let go of Alex with one hand and
wrapped it around Denise’s shoulder. She looked up and placed a hand on his
cheek. “Let him go Kevin,” she whispered, her sad eyes pleading with his. Kevin
squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. Once more he looked down and the
face of his love and leaned over to kiss his forehead. “I love you.” But this
time, there was no reply.
After leaving Alex’s room, he had collapsed
into the arms of his own mother, weeping and softly whispering how it was all
his fault. Nick knew it was time to show him what he had found in Kevin’s room
when he had pushed past him and ran to Alex. A note on the floor, addressed to
Kevin, written in Alex’s scraggily hand writing. He followed him and his mother
to his room and sat down next to them on the bed.
Brian and Howie stayed behind to greet their
own families. As Howie fell into the waiting arms of his mother, Brian wrapped
his arms around his wife and cried into her shoulder. When Brian’s parents
arrived a short while later, his mother was already in tears. And it was she
that managed to bring Denise away from her son. She made it her job to watch
carefully over Alex’s mother, for which Denise was grateful.
“Kevin, I found this in your room this
morning,” Nick whispered, lifting up the letter with a trembling hand. “It’s
from Alex,” he said softly, his voice barely audible. Kevin looked up into his
eyes questioningly and wiped his eyes. He took the letter from Nick and opened
it. Once again, his eyes flooded with tears as he took in the words on the
page.
Kevin,
I didn’t mean it. I hope someday you’ll
forgive me, but I don’t really deserve that anyway. I didn’t mean any of it. I
love this…all of this crazy shit. I love Backstreet and everything that goes
along with it. But more importantly, I love you. Please, please, I hope you
believe me. Because nothing could be more true. I know I broke your heart and I
hate that. Kevin, I hate myself. I don’t know what I’ve become, but it’s not
something that you can love. And you shouldn’t have to. You deserve so much
better. So I’m setting you free. I’ll love you forever baby, but I’ve only been
causing you pain. I want you to be happy; I want you to smile. Find someone who
will make you smile. Promise me you will. Good-bye Kevin. I love you.
Alex
***
After a year and a half, Kevin found
Kristin. Well, sort of ‘re-found’ her. When he had first realized he was in
love with Alex, he had let her go. But they started over, and slowly, he fell
in love with her. They were married a little over two years after Alex’s death.
Kevin still loved him…a part of him always would. Kristin knew that and she
accepted it. More than anything on earth she wanted him to be happy. And she
knew that he loved her and not as some sort of replacement. He loved her for
her. She understood his pain and was part of the reason he could move past it.
Many nights she had held him tightly after he had awoken from that terrible
nightmare. Her pregnancy had lifted his spirits considerably. Days went by
without him reliving the past, and she was grateful to see him so happy, so
like his old self again. Upon the birth of their son, they still hadn’t decided
on a name. But Kristin knew, in her heart what she wanted to name him.
“Alexander,” she whispered as she looked down into the sleeping face of their
baby. Kevin shut his eyes in an attempt to prevent his tears from overflowing,
but it didn’t work. He leaned over and kissed his exhausted wife and their
newborn child. “Alexander,” he repeated.
***
Once again wiping the tears from his eyes,
he dug a small hole next to Alex’s headstone and buried the ring in the ground.
He wanted it to be close to its mate, for he knew Alex still wore the one he had
given him. Even with everything they went through, neither had taken theirs off
for a second. But now it was time for Kevin to let him go completely. For a few
more minutes, he let his gaze linger on the grass beneath him. A chill ran
through him as he felt something light and soft brush the back of his neck. He
turned around, but it was only the wind…. “I love you Alex.” Again, there was
no reply, but Kevin smiled anyway because he knew what the reply would be.
~~Like sand on my feet
The smell of sweet
perfume
You’ll stick to me
forever, baby
I wish you didn’t go
I wish you didn’t go
I
wish you didn’t go away
To touch you again
With life in your hands
It
couldn’t be any harder~~
A little less than a year later, he returned
to the gravesite with Brian, Nick and Howie. They had already made it a habit
to come here together a few times each year. Something was different this time
though. “Who planted the tree Kev?” Nick asked, pointing to the small white
pine that was bravely growing towards the sky. Kevin shook his head and
frowned. “I have no idea.” It hadn’t been any of them and Kevin knew it wasn’t
Denise. They had become quite close since Alex’s death and he knew she brought
him white roses every month. But as Kevin looked closer he felt his heart start
to beat faster. The tree was planted in the exact spot he had buried the ring
on his last visit….
As was their ritual, the four of them joined
hands and closed their eyes as Brian said a small prayer. And then, just as
they always did, they sang to him.
~~I know that I, I can't
believe
Just what the past has brought me
To the man I wanna be
I know that we have had some times
That we can't forget the struggle
Cause we have so far to go
I know we've changed but
Change can be so good
So let's not forget why
It's understood that
Time, look where we are and what we've been through
Time, sharing our dreams
Time, goes on and on everyday, baby
Time is what it is
Come what may
Time, goes on and on everyday, Time is what it is
Come what may
Come what may~~
Lyrics
used throughout story from “Could it be any Harder” by The Calling
Lyrics
used at end of story from “Time” by Backstreet Boys
The End
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