Arena: Revised


(The bridge. All appears normal.)

Uhura: Captain! We are being hailed!

Kirk: Onscreen, Lieutenant!

(Stars on the screen.)

Disembodied Voice: YOU ARE VIOLATING OUR SPACE. LEAVE NOW OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.

Kirk: Who are you?

Disembodied Voice: WE ARE THE MASTERS.

(Ominous music. Crescendo.)

Kirk: I am Captain Jaó

Disembodied Voice: (interrupting) IT MATTERS NOT WHO OR WHAT YOU ARE. LEAVE NOW OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.

Chekov: Didnít you already just say that?

Disembodied Voice: I DID? (pause) (music becomes angry-sounding) YOU WILL ALL BE PUNISHED!

Kirk: Fifty lashes, Ensign!

Chekov: Sorry, ser.

(Suddenly, Kirk, Spock, Uhura, McCoy, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, Chapel and Rand are snatched from the ship by an unknown force! They appear on an unknown planetís surface!)

Spock: Fascinating.

Disembodied Voice: THE PUNISHMENT BEGINS!

(Music crescendos into a cymbal crash. Silence.)

Spock: Observe, Captain.

(Little black things that resemble horseflies are flying towards them. They converge on Scotty and fly up his nose. He shrieks.)

Kirk: What are THOSE?!

(The flies land on Spock, Sulu, Rand and Uhura. All of them scream and then stand absolutely still.)

Disembodied Voice: YOU WILL NOW COMPETE IN THE ARENAS.

Kirk: I donít like the sound of that . . .

(They are all transported into four arenas. Kirk and Spock are in one, McCoy and Scotty in another, Sulu and Chekov in yet another, and Rand and Chapel in the last. Uhura is in a little box marked ďCheerleadersĒ.)

Kirk: What the hell is going on, Spock? Spock?

(Spock begins to circle Kirk. Uhura cheers and waves a pair of pompoms that have mysteriously appeared in her hands.)

Sulu: I was wrong to trust you, Russian! You lie! You cheat! YOU SEDUCED MANDALA!

Chekov: VHAT?

(Sulu dives at Chekov and they roll in the dust. Uhura cheers and starts jumping around doing high leg kicks.)

Chekov: I DIDNíT! I DONíT KNOW VHAT YOUíRE TALKING ABOUT!!

Sulu: Lies!

(They roll apart and stand up. Suddenly, they both have swords. While Chekov stares in puzzlement, Sulu lets out a whoop of joy and lunges. Chekov parries just in time.)

Chekov: ACK! Hikaru, stop!

Sulu: Ha! You can never match me with a sword!

Chekov: I KNOW that! STOP!

(Meanwhile, in arena 3...)

McCoy: Now where do you suppose theyíve put us?

Scotty: Ye always were a bad íun, Doctor...

McCoy: Huh?

Scotty: And Iíve finally got me chance to take ye down! (rushes McCoy)

McCoy: Scotty! What in hell are you doing?! (ducks)

(Scotty tries again. McCoy leaps out of the way and gets a massive dust-print on his pants. Uhura cheers and begins to dance the Can-Can.)

(Meanwhile, in arena 4...)

Chapel: Whereís Spock?

Rand: DIE!

(They both suddenly have knives. Rand pulls hers out and charges Chapel. Chapel screams and kicks. Rand lunges.)

Chapel: Janice! What on earth?

Rand: YOU TRIED TO TAKE PAVEL FROM ME! YOU WILL BE DESTROYED!

Chapel: Help! Help! SPOCK! PAVEL!

(Back in arena 1...)

Spock: You are illogical. You must be destroyed.

Kirk: Now, now... letís not be hasty!

(Spock swings his fist at Kirk. Kirk ducks and punches back. He misses.)

(Meanwhile, back in arena 2...)

Chekov: FOR CHRISTíS SAKE, STOP, HIKARU!

Sulu: DIE! YOU STOLE MANDALA! DIE!

(Chekov is losing miserably, overwhelmed by Suluís fencing skills. Sulu knocks him down and kicks away his sword.)

Chekov: No! Hikaru!

(Sulu puts his foot on Chekovís chest and raises his sword. Chekov prays.)

Chekov: (quietly) Preskanailya, Shachovska Christos...

(Uhura runs out of her box and whacks Sulu in the head. He drops. Suddenly, she is back in her box.)

Disembodied Voice: FOUL!

(Chekov grabs his sword and scrambles away as Sulu gets back up.)

Sulu: You wonít get away that easily!

(Back in arena 3...)

McCoy: (ducking Scottyís swing) I have had it with this!

(He sticks Scotty with a hypospray. Scotty falls down unconscious. Suddenly, McCoy jerks up. His eyes glaze as a bunch of flies descend on him. He joins Uhura, waving his pompoms and doing the Can-Can.)

(Meanwhile, in arena 4...)

Chapel: Janice! Why are you doing this? I didnít steal Pavel! As far as I know, heís still adorably unattached!

Rand: DIE!

Chapel: OW! (is hit with the flat of Randís knife) Thatís it! No more! (sticks Rand with hypo) (Rand is unconscious) (Chapel joins Uhura and McCoy)

(Meanwhile, back in arena 1...)

(Kirk is doing a fun little dance as Spock tries to nerve-pinch him.)

Kirk: Spock! No!

Spock: Illogic must be stamped out!

Kirk: (to the sky) I hate you, you damn writers! You want him to win!

(Evil laughter from on high.)

Kirk: Well, he canít win! Iím the captain, and I must always triumph! Youíll have to do something to get rid of him!

(An anvil can be seen plummeting towards Spock. Suddenly, it changes course and squishes Kirk. Evil chuckles.)

Kirk: (for some reason still alive) . . . damn . . . writers . . .

(Spockís eyes glaze and he gets a mascot uniform from somewhere. He joins everyone else in the cheerleading box.)

(Back in arena 2...)

Chekov: SOMEBODY HELP ME!! Hikaru, please!

(Sulu knocks Chekovís sword away. Spock, in his butterfly mascot costume, begins to wave pompoms.)

Sulu: I should never have believed you were my friend! You were using me all along to get close to her!

Chekov: No! I vasnít! And I newer touched MandalaóI svear!

Sulu: You didnít care about me! I HATE you! And now you die! (runs at Chekov with sword)

(Chekov dives to one side, but Suluís sword grazes him, leaving a long cut on his ribcage.)

Chekov: Iím not going to let you kill me!

Cheerleaders: Sulu! Sulu! Heís our man! If he canít do it, the butterfly can! (indicate Spock, who is doing jumping-jacks)

(Chekov is bleeding badly and limping. Sulu jumps forward with a yell of triumph. The cheerleaders form a pyramid. McCoy is on top, balancing Uhura on one hand and waving his pompom with the other.)

Chekov: Sulu!!! (desperately runs out of the arena, only to be plopped back in by the Masters) (yanks out his communicator and yells into it) BEAM FLYNN DOWN NOW!

(He dodges another thrust, dropping both sword and communicator. Sulu prepares to run him through as Flynn is beamed to the surface.)

Cheerleaders: YAAY!

Flynn: (rushing towards them) Hikaru!

Sulu: Not now, Mandala! Iím about to dispatch this slime that dared touch and dishonor you!

Flynn: Butóbut he never did! The few times I tried, he was most frustratingly gentlemanly!

Sulu: What?

(Chekov passes out in the dust.)

Flynn: (reprovingly) Hikaru! Did you do that?

Sulu: What have I done?

Flynn: Iíll tell you what youíve done! Youíve almost killed Pavel! How could you?

Sulu: My brother! (runs to him)

Cheerleaders: Oh my god . . . what have we been doing?

(The pyramid falls down.)

McCoy: Whereís the captain?

(Kirk crawls up, muttering.)

Kirk: . . . damn . . . writers . . .

Sulu: What have I done? What have I done?

Uhura: PAVEL!

Chapel: Is he all right?

Rand: What happened?

McCoy: Heís almost dead, Jim!

Sulu: What have I done? What haveó (Rand knocks him out with the butt of her phaser)

Kirk: Mr. Kyle! Beam us up!

(They beam halfway up before the Masters snatch them back down. The girls throw their pompoms at the Masters, who die. They beam up and drag Chekov to Sickbay.)

McCoy: Heíll be fine! (puts cheap-looking piece of plastic on Chekovís head) (Chekov is suddenly fine!)

Kirk: Everybody back to your posts!

(Everyone, thanks to movie magic, is suddenly back in place at their stations.)

Kirk: Letís go find a planet with booze and babes! Our mission continues!

(A giant anvil falls on the command chair. The writers laugh insanely. Roll end credits.)



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