| This newspaper is for the rest of us. |
America Declares War on TerrorismPresident's Popularity Soars as War on Terrorism BeginsThree weeks after the tragic events of Sep.11, the popularity of G.W. Bush has soared to unparalleled heights, as Americans rally to support his call for a war on terrorism. Indeed, polls conducted by Florida Secretary of State Kathryn Harris show that 107 % of all Americans believe the President deserves the unquestioning loyalty of every citizen. Still, there are some skeptics. Asked by a reporter how she could have arrived at what appears to be a statistically impossible result, Ms. Harris explained that past poll results never showed approval ratings above 100% for a Republican President because Democrats always managed to block overseas military responses from being counted. She also pointed out that, in her capacity as Florida Secretary of State, anything she certifies to be true must be accepted as true, regardless of whether or not it seems to defy logic. According to Ms. Harris, the precedent for this was set by the Supreme Court case known as "Miami Jews for Buchanan vs. Common Sense." Support for the President runs high even with the media. Just last week, a reporter was severely beaten by colleagues at a press conference after he suggested that Mr. Bush was made President by the Supreme Court and now Osama Bin Laden could end up making him a dictator. Said one reporter at the scene, "It was really cool. Just like 'Lord of the Flies'." But, even without the threat of a painful pummeling, reporters seem to be voluntarily refraining from asking tough questions. Mr. Bush's promises to smoke out and destroy Osama Bin Laden, for instance, sound very close to similar pledges his father made to go after Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, yet no reporter has dared make the comparison. [Editors Note: The rest of this article was written by another reporter. The original reporter suffered an unfortunate "accident," resulting from the previous paragraph.] Mr. Bush is said to be taking his new found popularity in stride. Aides say it hasn't gone to his head and he definitely will not take political advantage of it. Said one source close to the President, "Mr. Bush is completely focused on the mission to eliminate terrorist groups. In this time of crisis, he has risen above petty, partisan politics." Meanwhile, the Office of Homeland Security has added a new group to the list of known terrorist organizations active in the United States - the Al Goristas. The FBI claims that it now has evidence that these people actually planned to overthrow the United States government late last year, using funds provided by the Chinese. The President, however, has expressed his full confidence that these fanatics can be completely eliminated before the Iowa Caucuses and that the next Presidential election will proceed in an orderly fashion right up to the Supreme Court, if necessary. President Clarifies Plans to Go After TerroristsThe President's vow to go after terrorists and their allies had some unexpected effects on some of the current and former supporters of terror organizations who reside in the United States. At the School of the Americas, a training ground where foreign military personnel are taught methods of terrorizing their own people, the base commander blocked the gates for fear FBI agents had been dispatched to arrest him. There is also a report that two CIA operatives implementing the massive military operation against anti-government rebels in Colombia, under the cover of an anti-drug campaign known as "Plan Colombia," swallowed their cyanide capsules to order to avoid being taken alive by the U.S. government. The White House was quickly alerted to the confusion about the President's intent when former First Lady Barbara Bush called her son, President G.W. Bush, and asked what was going on. According to confidential informants, the former First Lady asked the President, "Georgie, what's happening? Your Dad left early this morning. Ollie North picked him up and said they were going into hiding because of that old Iran-Contra thing." The Bush Administration has issued a policy statement clarifying that it is only terrorism when the enemy does it. |
GAO Investigates Possible Infiltrations of U.S. GovernmentWashington, September 29, 2001 - On reports that a terrorist organization may have used secret operatives to infiltrate to the highest levels of our government, the GAO has renewed efforts to force Vice President Dick Cheney to turn over the list of people he worked with in developing his energy plan. According to the GAO, the Vice President's working group may have unwittingly been manipulated to include certain elements in the plan that would further the cause of the terrorists. Cheney, through a spokesperson, issued a statement saying he stands behind the plan and will not provide the GAO with the information they want. A close examination of the plan does, however, raise some interesting questions. The plan calls for the complete exploitation of all domestic oil reserves by the year 2010, a scenario that some experts say is risky for national security reasons. The plan also requires decreased energy efficiency for electric appliances and automobiles, going so far as to mandate that some energy guzzling household appliances, like dishwashers, be built without off switches. And, supposedly to make up for the extra energy use, the plan requires that new nuclear power plants be built upwind of every major American. "We really need to talk to the people who created this plan," said a GAO spokesperson. "We need to know what they were thinking, to see if it makes sense or if it really is part of a terrorist plot. For instance, the nuke plants - we can understand how the Vice President might think they are a good idea, but, why does the plan call for a giant florescent bull's-eye to be painted on the roof of the containment buildings." He went on to say, "Look, we don't think the Vice President knowingly worked with terrorists, but we are concerned that they may have gotten close to him and influenced the energy plan. It's not Mr. Cheney's fault. It's because we live in an open society, where anyone with enough money can just walk in and start calling the shots. It's the price we pay for democracy. But, these folks can be quite good at disguising who they are. We're afraid the Vice President may not have looked for the subtle clues that would have alerted them to a terrorist in their midst." "That's ridiculous," says Vice Presidential spokesman, John bin Smith, "It's absolutely paranoid to think terrorists could infiltrate to this level of government without being spotted. The Vice President is much too smart an infidel to allow that to happen." In a related story, the GAO believes that they now know where the energy meetings took place, even if they don't know who was involved. According to reliable sources, the GAO has identified a cleared area on a mountaintop in eastern West Virginia as the place where the meetings took place. GAO investigators who visited the site reported finding the remains of large pentagram that had been drawn on the ground some time ago. They also reported being nearly overcome by a smell of burnt sulfur that still filled the air, months after the meetings took place. Most of the goat's blood at the site had been washed away by rain, but enough remained to do DNA sampling and match it to a specimen of blood found on an early draft of the Vice President's plan. The Vice President's office responded to the GAO by issuing a denial and an official statement that appears to be the Lord's Prayer written backwards. Shortage of Graphics Stifling Media
Within hours of the terrorist "Attack on America," major media outlets copyrighted almost every possible logo to go with their coverage. A survey shows that the only graphic not used is the one on the right, which the Disney Channel reported has an eye on. |
Click Here for Page 2
 
|
