THE RUMOR MILL NUTS  

Who Are Goontar and Rayalien ?

Goontar and Rayalien founded Rumor Mill Nuts in 1996 as a Print Magazine. After Goontar disappeared ( he does that a lot you know ) , in December of 1996, Rayalien discontinued it as a magazine. She started Rumor Mill Nuts again in 1998 as an internet newsletter. In 1999 she launched it as a webpage. It has become one of the Internet's most popular webpages enjoyed by wackos worldwide.

Let me introduce you to the one and only Goontar The Magnificent.

Goontar was a CIA operative

Goontar was a Navy Seal

Goontar was a Heavy Weight Prize Fighter
  ... beat the crap out of Tyson and the Olson twins last week

Goontar was an Astronaut

Goontar was a Major in the Air Force

Goontar is a highly decorated Girl Scout Troop Leader

Goontar was a Major in the Navy

Goontar spent 10 years as a rodeo clown

Goontar was a Major in the Marines

Goontar pitched 10 consecutive perfect games

Goontar was a Major in the Army

Goontar knows where Elvis and Hoffa are hiding

Goontar was a Major Motion Picture Movie Star

Goontar was The Original Radio City Rockette

Goontar Killed Kennedy

Goontar dropped the bomb on Hiroshima

Goontar can leap tall buildings in a single bound

Goontar was The Original Mousekateer

Goontar can squat thrust more than 4 tons

Goontar kicked the Hulk's ass

Goontar is the only known QUADZILLIONAIRE

Goontar has an IQ of 356

Goontar is a Shape Shifter

Rayalien was a visiting lecturer and investigator from the planet Zenon who worked with Barbara Hornswaggle, the author of the first book on the October Surprise scandal. When Goontar and Rayalien married in 1989, the Bush Administration panicked. George was so scared of them that he wet his pants. As a result, Goontar became the most famous political prisoner ( everybody knows this guy ) of the George H.W. Bush administration. Goontar was the pilot who flew Bush back from the negotiations in Paris that finalized the October Surprise. Rayalien was an investigator who was working to expose the October Surprise!

From 1989 to late 1996, when he disappeared, ( there he goes again ) Goontar spent all but 9 months of their marriage in prison and married a 450 pound Mexican named Bubba. During that time, there were numerous attempts to kill both of them. Their lawyer and friend Paul Winchel WAS murdered! Goontar's sons were beaten, jailed, and gang-raped by the dreaded Draconians from the planet Zotar, he was told they would be gang raped by well-hung Orkanians from the planet Ork, if he talked. Rayalien was charged with trespassing on a military base and faced prison ( she was actually caught peeking into the men's shower ). To keep her out of prison, where he was told she would be murdered, Goontar pled guilty to 9 counts of secretly dreaming about a sexual encounter with Barbara Bush!

Below is another picture of the shape-shifting Goontar basking in the sun while vacationing in Jamaica.

And here is Rayalien waving hello to all her Rumor Mill Nuts viewers.

Stay tuned for more on the amazing lives of Rayalien and Goontar The Magnificent.