Voice: Ow, shit! My head damnit!
Another Voice: Shhhh… shut the hell up Chris! ~ A harsh whisper ~ We need to keep our voices down.
~ We find our two friends, Chris Griffey and Brian Arson, in an area of complete darkness. Their voices echo dully giving off the feeling that they’re in a small, confined space. Brian begins moving, scurrying, and bangs his arm on the side of the wall, which lets off a metallic sound. All of a sudden a light flickers on; Chris had taken out a lighter. The flame illuminated the area quickly revealing the two men’s whereabouts: some sort of ventilation shaft ~
Brian: You mean to tell me you had that thing the whole time?
Chris: Well, yeah…
Brian: Jesus… give it to me. ~ He pries it from Chris’ hands ~ Thank you.
~ Brian pushes himself in front of Chris somehow and begins crawling silently through the little tunnel. There’s a light up ahead where a vent is placed. Both men start inching their way toward it. It’s rather pathetic if you ask me ~
Brian: Do you remember what the guy said about which room it was in?
Chris: Wha? How the hell am I supposed to remember somethin’ a guy on a frikkin’ tape recorder said. All I heard was ‘crsshh crsshh’.
Brian: What was that again?
Chris: I said all I heard was crsh—Hey wait! ~ Brian lets out a muffled chuckle ~ Are you gonna be serious here or what? I just want to get out of here damnit…
Brian: All right, all right… I think he said room 53B, but I’m not sure. I’m gonna look down in this vent over here.
~ Brian creeps over and peers down through the little slots of the vent. A shocked look crosses his face. He turns around and looks back at Chris ~
Chris: Well… what is it? Is the thing down there?
Brian: Uh… hold on a second.
~ We finally receive a view from Brian’s angle as to what is causing him to look so amazed. Wow… that is nice. It looks like Douglas Daft is getting a bit jiggy with his secretary. Who is Douglas Daft you say? Why, he’s the CEO of the Coca-Cola Company of course. It seems as if Brian and Chris are in Coca-Cola headquarters. Daft is getting freaknasty with that girl down there. They’re both on top of his desk and papers are flying. On the ground now; in the recliner; on top of the shelves; under the desk; he… could… go… all the… way… yes! Douglas brings it on home to papa, Coke: 1, Pepsi: 0. By this time, Chris had pulled himself up next to Brian so that he could have a clear view of the events going on down beneath them. Particles of dust begin floating in the air around the two men and as Brian inhales, he snorts up some of the filthy air. ‘ACHOO!’ That was loud… Daft and the woman look up quickly. Brian and Chris hastily slither back into their hiding place. Chris slaps Brian on the back of the head, and they both start having a silent argument, arms a-flailing. After a few minutes, it seems like an hour, a door slams, and Brian sneaks back over to the vent. Nothing but an ugly, disarray of crumpled up papers was all that was left in the office. He let out a sigh of relief and carefully crept over the vent and motioned Chris to follow as they both continued on. Yet again, another vent stood in the path of the two superstars. Could this be the right one? ~
Brian: I knew it! ~ An ‘a-ha-I-knew-it’ look crosses his face and he snickers ~ Hehe… Yes, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
Chris: Wha- what is it man? Did you find it? Well c’mon….
Brian: ShhHHhh… ~ His head jerking every which way ~ damn man, can’t you keep quiet? I’m trying to see something… I knew they were holding out on us.
Chris: Whaaat?!
Brian: Coke Flakes…
Chris: Coke Flakes?
Brian: Yes, Coke flakes…I’ve had spies in the Coca-Cola plant for years, but none of them have been able to breach the security into the secret ‘Coke Vault’. It all started back in 1997… ~ And about an hour later ~ Yep, and that’s how they came up with the ‘Erect Chad’—That reminds me, I need to get in touch with good ol’ GW. Oh damn, this is gonna be good Chris… Chris? ~ He’d fallen asleep; drool running down the side of his mouth ~ Damnit Chris! Did you even hear a word I just said?
Chris: Yeah, sure… Coke Flakes… whoopidee doo…
Brian: Whatever, c’mon. We need to keep moving. If we don’t get the thing soon we’re really gonna hear it from the boss.
~ Once again the two men start sliding their way down through the shaft. This time the pipe sort of bends down into like a deep abyss. Brian reaches it before Chris and looks down thinking twice before continuing. Unfortunately, Chris had no idea what was going and kept going forward; he accidentally knocked him into the void and then tripped himself causing him to fall as well. They fell, and the fells… and they fell some more. Brian was the first to land and dropped onto a perfectly placed cushion ~
Brian: Whew… That was close…
~ Then Chris lands right on top of Brian, breaking his fall ~
Chris: Ow... I’m alive? I’M ALIVE! Brian… Brian where are you? ~ A muffled voice is heard ~ What? I can’t hear you.
Brian: I’m right underneath you dumbass! Get the hell off me…
Chris: Oh, sorry man, you all right?
Brian: Yes… ~ In an annoyed voice ~ …I’m fine. Ok, now where are we? ~ He looks around the room ~ Oh my god! There it is…
~ The room that the two men are in is sort of like a shrine. The walls are painted in a gold color, and the light is very dim. The ceiling is very high and at the end of the room is a miniature pyramid. Candles are strewn across the ground surrounding it and at the top… yes, that’s it! It’s what they’ve been sent here to recover… ~
Brian: The Holy Coke… ~ He stares in awe as the golden Coke shines ~ It’s truly amazing…
~ The two men begin walking over toward the shrine, but before they can make it, the door at the other end of the room swings open. Men in black, with AK-47s, begin to circle the two wrestlers. Brian lets out a sigh as Chris freaks out. Then a tiny man with a glass eye and a cane walks into the room ~
Man: Ahh… Misteer Arson, how do you do? ~ He talks in a heavy Russian accent ~ I see you’ve found thee Holvy Coke. ~ He chuckles ~ It’s beautiful isn’t it.
Brian: What do you want with me; who are you!
Man: My name is Dr. Decagon. And I don’t vant anything vith you. Oh, except of course that I vant you dead!
~ A man standing behind Brian and Chris gives both of them a blow to the back of the head, knocking them out. Both men collapse into a heap on the ground ~
Dr. Decagon: Vhat idiots…
The Escape!
~ As the men come to, they are in a small room tied to two wooden chairs. A guard in the room has obviously been sitting there waiting for the two men to awaken. He rushes off down a corridor and returns a few minutes later with who else but Douglas Daft. He walks into the room as if not noticing the tied up wrestlers. After grabbing a cup of coffee, he pulls up a chair and sits down ~
Douglas: Howdy fellas. I think we met earlier; I’m sorry I wasn’t in any way to talk if you know what I mean. ~ He chuckles evilly ~ I take it you came for this ~ He pulls the Holy Coke out from under his jacket and places it on the tables ~ It’s quite valuable. Did you actually think you’d get away with it?
Brian: Well, yeah…
Douglas: Ahaha… well you were wrong my friend! This doesn’t look too good for the XCWF Mr. Arson. I’m sure Tom and TJ will not be pleased when they read the headlines “XCWF Wrestler Breaks In To Coca-Cola Headquarters”. And right before that huge pay-per-view too… I always thought that was just a waste of money. Now I’ll have an excuse not to hold it the event here.
~ Brian and Chris exchange worried glances. But, the brilliant Brian Arson has a plan of course. While Daft his talking, Brian begins motioning to Chris: he doesn’t understand what he’s trying to say. Chris’ eyebrows raise and his shoulders shrug. Brian nods to his back pocket… Chris understands. The ropes are loose enough for him to grab his lighter. While Chris tries to burn himself free, Brian keeps good ol’ Dougie busy ~
Brian: Do you really think that’s gonna stop them from having the event, you scum bag. ~ He spits at Daft’s feet ~ You no good piece o—
Douglas: Ah, ah, ah… watch your mouth there kid. You don’t want to get yourself killed do you? Now there’s two ways we can approach this; either, you give me the whereabouts of Mr. Shnuffles… or I dump both of your bodies into the bottling machine.
Brian: I’d rather die then tell you where Mr. Shnuffles is!
Douglas: Did I not just say that you moron! Damn kids… anyway, do you like regular or cherry Coke?
Chris: Actually, I’d like both.
Douglas: I wasn’t askin’ you, so shut u—
~ Before Daft could finish his sentence, Chris had lunged forward from his chair, leaping over the desk, and knocked the CEO into the wall. While the man just lay there, Chris ran over and untied Brian ~
Brian: Nice work, bro. I liked that little ‘hurtle’ action.
Chris: Yeah, you liked that? I’ve been working on it, I thought that one was a litt—
Brian: Tell me later; right now we have some important business to accomplish. ~He walks over to Daft and picks him up. Then he slaps him a few times trying to revive him ~ C’mon… Wake up numb nuts. It’s time for you to tell us how to get out of here.
Douglas: Wha… ~ He slowly regained his senses then an evil grin covered his face~ You want to get out of here? Ahaha… NEVER! ~ He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny little gadget and pressed a red button ~ Uh oh, hehe… ~ A timer began to tick, the device read: 5:00, 4:59, 4:58 ~ Have a nice time in HELL!
~ Brian punches the man in the face and then looks up at Chris in a panic ~
Brian: We need to get the hell outta here follow me!
~ He swings open the door, oops, he forgot the Holy Coke. No worry, Chris grabs it and runs after his friend. The hall that they are in is very long and the walls are just boring white concrete with no doors in them. When Brian reaches the end of the hall, he finds a long spiral staircase leading upwards to what looks like another section of the plant. Two men come running down the stairs and try to attack the wrestlers, but they over power them, and Brian and Chris steal their guns, as well as their clothing, and continue up (They never actually put the uniforms on, it was just some tight clothing). After reaching the top, Chris kicks open a locked metal door standing in front of them. They entered a room with large vats of Coca-Cola. The foreign scientists working there froze in fear ~
Chris: It’s all right… we’re not going to hurt you! We just want some free coke…
Brian: Man, will you shut up!
~ The scientists, not knowing a word they just said, ran away through various doors trying to escape—were they trying to escape? ~
Brian: Well that was easy ~ Right as he says that, the doors bust open again, and the scientists pile out followed by some of the men in black, Brian turns to Chris ~ I think I may have spoke too soon. Get ready to run… ~ He turns back to his enemies ~ HEY LOOK, IT’S JENNA JAMESON… ~ None of them turn, they don’t care ~ I mean… HARRISON FORD!
~ Now they all turn quickly jut to be disappointed. Meanwhile Brian starts unloading his AK on the Coke Vats. One by one they begin to explode, and the sticky substance is flying everywhere… yummy! Brian and Chris start wading through the liquid as the villains are swept every which way. Chris starts doing the backstroke, but Brian lifts him by the hair onto his feet. They rush toward a door which looks like it might lead to an exit to the building. It takes both men to finally get it open due to the pressure of the rising soft drink. But, once it’s open they scramble up a flight of stairs, Chris looking back in sadness, and after a minute they make it out into the main lobby. Trying to act as casual as possible, even though they are soaked from head to toe in Coke and blood has stained their clothes, the wrestlers stroll toward the exit. The clerks at the front desk don’t seem to notice, and Brian and Chris are able to escape out into the parking lot ~
Brian: Hmm… that was interesting, let’s get going… just don’t look suspicious.
Chris: All right. Hey… it’s past five minutes. How come that bomb didn’t go off?
Brian: Maybe it wasn’t really a bomb.
~ Just as he says that there’s a loud explosion. They turn around just in time to see the building expand and totally get decimated. A mushroom cloud rises in the air, as pieces of debris fly this way and that. The force from the explosion sends the two men flying onto and over the hood of a car, causing them to crash land hard on the pavement. Shocked and a little dazed Brian gets up. Chris follows suit. They sit there for a long while just watching the building, which is engulfed in flames. Fire crews and police cruisers fly by them heading toward the plant. It begins to rain; only, it’s not rain. It’s Coke from the razed Coca-Cola headquarters. Brian turns around and begins to walk the opposite direction of the war zone; Chris pulls up beside him. More and more emergency vehicles are flocking to the scene. Brian turns to his good friend ~
Brian: Well, Chris…
Chris: Well, Brian…
Brian: I’m glad that’s over with. I’ve had enough excitement for one day.
Chris: Yeah. Man, after this, your battle royal match is gonna be like a cakewalk.
Brian: Chris… I don’t want to talk about wrestling right now. And also, I don’t want to talk about this incident ever again. Do you realize how close we were to gettin’ killed in there? Oh NO… The Holy Coke… I left it on the table!
Chris: You mean this? ~ Chris pulls out the golden object and gives it to Brian ~ Yeah, I sure as hell wasn’t going to leave that in there after all the trouble we went through to find it.
Brian: God… I love you man. We better get a hold of Mr. Shnuffles.
~ Brian pulls up his sleeve and pushes a lever on his watch. A little computer type window pops up. He dials in a number and waits a few seconds. A silhouette of a man appears on the screen, and his voice comes through with an English accent ~
Mr. Shnuffles: I say there lads, it’s jolly good to hear from you again. How was your mission: did you find what I wanted?
Brian: We certainly did. ~ He holds up the golden bottle ~ The Holy Coke: it’s quite astonishing.
Mr. Shnuffles: What in the bloody hell is that? That’s not the Holy Coke; it’s a fake.
Brian: What?! Yes, this is the Holy Coke! How would you know anyway?
Mr. Shnuffles: Because on the side of the Holy Coke, it says “Holy Coke: This Is The Holy Coke!” Oh, for god’s sakes boy, can’t you do anything right. I’ve had about enough of this. ~ Brian begins to open his mouth ~ No! I don’t want to hear anymore of your lousy excuses. Go back to your stupid wrestling career and don’t be expecting a call from me anytime soon! Good… Day!
~ Brian’s about to respond, but Shnuffles disconnects. Both men just look at each other with a blank stare. Brian rips off the watch and throws it as hard as he can. After all that fighting and danger, the two wrestlers only come out with a golden Holy Coke rip off and a destroyed soft drink power plant engulfed in flames behind them. Wow, what a shitty day. Chris seems to be happy though, as he lifts his face toward the sky and begins lapping up the falling Coke. Brian looks at him in disgust, and they both continue walking aimlessly, over fields and through dense thickets. Where are they heading? Why, to the Georgia Dome of course. After all the fun excitement experienced today, what could be even more thrilling? Find out next time, hehe ~
