How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
Ex husbands make great speed bumps.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop and ask for directions.
What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually will mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know. It has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
Why are married women usually heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control between his toes.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
What did God say after creating man? "I must be able to do better than THAT!".
What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect".
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're all married.
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful? "God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb? "God says, "So she would love you!".
"Sixty things NOT to say to a naked guy"
- I've smoked fatter joints than that.
- Ahh, it's cute.
- Who circumcised you?
- Why don't we just cuddle?
- You know they have surgery to fix that.
- It's more fun to look at.
- Make it dance.
- You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
- Can I paint a smiley face on that?
- It looks like a night crawler.
- Wow, and your feet are so big.
- My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
- It's ok, we'll work around it.
- Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
- Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
- Oh no, a flash headache.
- (giggle and point)
- Can I be honest with you?
- My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
- Let me go get my tweezers.
- How sweet, you brought incense.
- This explains your car.
- You must be a growing boy.
- Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
- Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
- Are you one of those pygmies?
- Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
- Every heard of clearasil?
- All right, a treasure hunt!
- I didn't know they came that small.
- Why is God punishing you?
- At least this won't take long.
- I never saw one like that before.
- What do you call this?
- But it still works, right?
- Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
- It looks so unused.
- Do you take steroids?
- I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
- Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
- Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
- Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
- Aww, it's hiding.
- Are you cold?
- If you get me real drunk first.!
- Is that an optical illusion?
- What is that?
- I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
- Were you neutered?
- It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
- Does it come with an air pump?
- Where are the puppet strings?
- Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
- Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
- Never mind, why bother.
- Is that a second belly button?
- Where's the rest of it?
- So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
Finally, women have a polite form letter to send
out and avoid those awkward and messy
I regret to inform you
you have been eliminated from further contention as
Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final
cut. I will, however, keep your name and number on
file should an opening become available.
that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following
reason(s) you were disqualified from the
(Check those that apply)
___ Your last name is
objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or
subjecting my children to it.
___ Your first name is
objectionable. It is just not something I can picture myself
yelling out in a fit of passion.
___ You failed
the 20 Question Rule: I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms
by the truckload" indicates that you may be
interested in me for something other than my
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine.
breasts are bigger than mine.
___ You're too
short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be
beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___ You're too
tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from
trying to kiss you.
___ I find your inability to fix my car
___ The fact that your
apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase
"My Mother" has popped up far too often in
___ You still live with your parents.
are older than my father. This will not
___ I am old enough to be your mother. This will not
___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your
wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little
___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend
lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic
___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait
that I am seeking in a long term partner.
The fact that you refer to the Pro Bowler's Tour as
"must see TV" demonstrates that you do not meet my
___ Somehow I doubt those
condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.
___ I am
out of your league; set your sights lower next
PERSONAL RESOURCES DEPARTMENT
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