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I havent actually written in this thing for a long time so i figure i will now. Been an interesting couple months and i figure ill tell whoevers watching or listening about it. For whatever reason lol
Life is weird sometimes. You can go for so long and feel so strong about something, then totally back it off and feel something totally different. When it comes back for a while, you feel the way you used to, and after it leaves again you go back to feeling the way you did when it was gone before..get that? lol I hope so cause i just confused myself. Anyhow, ive come to realize a lot of things about myself and others lately. Ive realized that you dont need to lean on something that isnt there anymore. Ive also realized that once things are broken, sometimes they just cant be fixed. Even though a part of you will always hope and wish they could, you know if you went back to it, you'd get the same result. People change, and times change. I know now that ive got the confidence and will to move on. Ive proven that to myself lately. I did something the other day that I never though id have the nerve to do. And that showed me what i was worth to myself, and others. I know im attractive, and i know im better..
You spend what seems like a lifetime with someone and you go through daily life with them, and thats all you know. Thats been my problem lately. Everytime something happens with hearing something about love, i revert back to that. Cause its all ive known for so long. But that loves not there anymore so theres no reason to. You also realize that friends help you a lot getting through hard times. I love each and every one of my friends, some more than others lol but i do love them all. If not for them, i have no idea what i would have done or where i would have been now. Losing or leaving what you feel like at the time is the "love of your life" is never easy. Especially when theres a child and all that time invested into it. But you realize sometimes things matter to you, and not to the other person. And no matter how hard you try, you cant make them care about the past, future, child or anything. If they wanna be free, you gotta let them be free and find out on their own. Friends only take you so far, and unless your comfortable with you, you'll never be that way with someone else. I think that was our downfall. She wasnt comfortable with her, and i had no idea what i was doing at first. Im not one to say things, even if i do feel them sometimes. She couldnt wait on things, and i couldnt force myself to act fast enough. Funny thing is though, i want to be married. I would have married her. But everytime i got close, she ruined that. By her attitude, or just leaving me like she has lately. If things would have gone good this time, it would have been no time before i asked. If i thought she would change things, and go halfway back to how we were, it would have been easy for me to ask. I think thats why i asked questions, and snooped around. To try to see if i was still what she wanted. But i guess i really found out the truth. The girl who didnt want a relationship and wanted her friends, is probably out trying to find someone ask i type this. Which is fine. Just shows me what kind of a twofaced liar I was dealing with. And i know what a fool ive been.
Even though ive gone through what i have, ill always care and love her in certain ways. You cant help that. But i have realized you can love someone to death, but sometimes you cant be with them or live with them. When you have a lot of good memories, thats hard. But you also have a lot of bad memories, and that keeps you away. Love is strange, and it messes with hearts and sometimes people go crazy over someone. Ive done that before, and its not easy. But you realize that if what you have given isnt enough for them, that theres someone else out there who it will be enough for. I know who i am, and i know who she is. And i know what the end result will be without saying it. This isnt a bashing page anymore, theres no reason for it. Sometimes people let things go for dumb reasons, sometimes you dont understand why they are the way they are. But if thats who they wanna be, then more power to them. Ive got a lot of things going for me now and i have to remember that. Ive got my son, Ive got a GREAT job, getting ready to get a very nice car, and going to save up for a house to build a life with someone who actually wants a great life. I always said id be married by the time i was 25 lol but im gonna have to wait on that one a while longer. Which is fine. Im content with life the way it is now. And im content with who i am. I miss a lot of things and i always will miss them in some ways. When you feel real love for the first time, it will carry with you no matter where you go. Even if you might love someone more later on, or feel it differently. Each love is different. There may be things she gave me that ill never find again, but then again there might be things someone else gives me that she didnt.
Im just rambling on now, but i took an energy pill tonight and ive got plenty of stamina...too bad i cant use it in a good way lol I didnt say that, and you did just read that :P Oh well. It is a depressing time of year with Christmas and New years and valentines day though. And its dark at 5 everyday. Its a good time to feel sorry for yourself once in a while. But when you look past old feelings, you realize the big picture. The fact that your a good person..and you have a lot of people who like you and care about you...and who want to see you happy. Thats what i didnt remember a few times before. That if i went back to that life, id let a lot of people down. A part of me will always wonder what might have been, but ill get to see what will be if i just stay the course. And thats worth waiting for. Cause its been a long time since ive been happy like that. And i cant wait to be again.
Quotes
"The only people you need in your life are the ones who need you in theirs"
"The things we call heartaches are hardly worth our time, we bitch about a dollar, when theres those without a dime"
"I guess we cant complain, god made life a gamble, and we're still in the game"
"Down the road not taken, will forever live those dreams that were forsaken...Just every now and then, i think about what would have been..Somewhere down the road not taken."
"Without struggle, there is no progress"
"What if id have asked you, and what if you'd said yes..theres no way to ever know, still i cant help but guess"
"You almost had your hooks in me, didnt you dear...you almost had me roped and tied..Alter bound"
"Hes an earth bound eagle that never did learn how to fly, he aint ever gonna make it but he sure did give it a try...so go die your hair and turn the music up loud, when its time go at least you'll go down proud...you aint never gonna be nothing but what you are"
"Things work out best for those who make the best of the way things work out"
"When i wanted you, i needed you...and i still cant bring myself to say im over you...when i gave you time to make up your mind, you turned your back on me, now im turning mine on you"
"You make yourself a good person, you get good friends, you make yourself a smart person, you get smart friends..you make yourself trash, you get trashy friends"
SONGS------------------
This will all fall down like everything else that was.. This too shall pass and all of the words we said.. We can't take back.. Now every fool in town would've left by now.. I can't replace all the wasted days.. The memory of your face - can't help thinkin'.. Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together.. Where would we be.. A thousand lost forevers.. And the promises you never were giving me.. Here's what I'm thinking.. It won't be the first - heart that you break.. It won't be the last - beautiful girl.. The one that you wrecked - won't take you back.. If you were the last beautiful girl in the world.. Tell me one more time.. How you're sorry about the way.. This all went down - you needed to find your space.. You needed to still be friends.. Needed me to.. Call you if I ever couldn't keep it all together.. you'd comfort me.. Tell me but forever.. And the promises I never should have believed in.. Here's what I'm thinking.. It won't be the first - heart that you break.. It won't be the last - beautiful girl.. The one that you wrecked - won't take you back.. If you were the last beautiful girl in the world.. It's over now - And I've gone without.. Cuz you're everybody else's girl.. It seems to me - you'll always be.. Everyone else's girl.. This will all fall down.. Like everything in the world.. This too must end.. And everything else that was.. We can't take back..
It's amazing.. how you make your face just like a wall.. how you take your heart and turn it off.. how I turn my head and lose it all.. It's unnerving.. how just one move puts me by myself.. there you go just trusting someone else.. now I know I put us both through hell.. I'm not saying.. there wasn't nothing wrong.. I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me.. I'm not saying.. we ever had the right to hold on.. I just didn't wanna let it get away from me.. But if that's how it's gonna leave.. straight out from underneath.. then we'll see who's sorry now.. If that's how it's gonna stand, when.. you know you've been depending on.. the one you're leaving now.. the one you're leaving out.. It's aggravating.. how you threw me on.. and you tore me out.. how your good intentions turn to doubt.. the way you needed time to sort it out.. But if that's how it's gonna leave.. straight out from underneath.. then we'll see who's sorry now.. If that's how it's gonna stand, when.. you know you've been depending on.. the one you're leaving now.. the one you're leaving out.. Tell me is that how it's going to end.. when you know you've been depending on.. the one you're leaving now.. and the one you're leaving out..
Thats all for now...check back soon for more great insight from my tired mind lol
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