Moving On, But Not Forward

By: Carm

Brian sat forlornly, staring out the window. Almost a year gone by and nothing had changed. He still heard the tapping of the keys from the study, the frustrated yells and threats to throw the computer right out the window. Often he found himself standing in the doorway, as though he could see her. His wife's fingers flying across the keyboard with a sudden burst of inspiration. And then others, she laid with her head on the desktop, banging it into the hard wood, begging for something, anything to come to her. All she wanted was to do something. But, she wasn't really there. Just an empty room that he refused to touch, a shrine of sorts.

In his chair, he'd watch the street, waiting for her to pull up in the driveway. Of course, her car was already there, so that was a fruitless venture as well. The woman walking past wasn't her. The car zooming down the street that stopped in front of the house wasn't her, either. There was no more her.

Brian heard the backdoor open and sighed. Was alone just too much to ask for? Just some time to himself? "Who is it?" he called out, not moving, not turning his head.

"Daddy?" Brian looked up as his cousin brought his little girl into the room. Gia Analise Littrell. She was barely five years old, and she needed her mother. That was just another reason that he cursed the Heavens for taking her away. There were so many down there that still needed her. It just wasn't fair.

Gia came over to Brian, wriggling out of Kevin's arms. She crawled into her father's lap and wrapped her small arms around his neck. Brian pulled back and looked into her face. She looked so much like her mother that it should have been a crime. It tore at his aching heart to look at her and see her face. The same eyes that twinkled with mischief and secrets. The small nose that often turned red in the cold. And that small mouth, in a perpetual pout, lips curved just so. Everything, it was all her.

"Rok..." Kevin came over to stand beside him.

"Kevin... can you take her back with you tonight? I can't..."

"It's been almost a year."

"I know."

"You can't grieve forever," Kevin told him softly. "Your daughter needs you." Brian turned his eyes back to his daughter. So many times in the past year, she'd woken up in the night calling for her mother and Brian wanted to scream with her. But, he didn't know how. He didn't know what to do or say to her. He didn't know how to tell her that it would be all better, when he wasn't sure of that himself.

"Daddy?" she said softly. "I wanna stay with you tonight. Please?"

"I thought you liked staying with Kevin and Krissy."

"I do." She put her head on his chest and pushed her arms back behind him, squeezing between his back and the plush back of the chair. "But, I wanna be with you, Daddy. And, Mommy wants me here with you, too."

"Honey, Mommy..."

"Mommy wants me with you." Her voice got softer and Brian could feel her tiny body shake as she began to cry. He put his arms around her and held her close. His little girl. The last piece of her that he had. The last little thing to make him always remember how beautiful and how wonderful she had been. And she had been all of that. Brian had known since the first time he saw her that she was someone special. More special than anyone else could have ever possibly known.

~ * ~

He was standing in line, in a bookstore he rarely went to, waiting to see the author of a book he'd never read. Brian wasn't sure why he'd let his cousin's girlfriend drag him out. He was perfectly happy at home, going over songs. They had a tour coming up and Brian wanted all the rest he could possibly have. He was just glad it was in the States. After years in Europe, he was curious as to how the American fans would receive them in concert. Would they scream and cry and all those other outrageously fanatical things that the foreign fans did? Would they even care they were on stage?

"Brian, come on!" Krissy said to him, dragging him along. He rolled his eyes, following her, waiting impatiently as they drew closer and closer to the front. "You're backing up the line."

"I didn't want to come here in the first place."

"Well, Kevin’s doing something. And I didn't wanna go alone."

"Damn me for being such a nice guy, huh?"

"Exactly. Now, pay attention. We're almost there."

Brian sighed again, shaking his head. Whatever the book was, could it have been that great? That fantastic to make people stand in line for half an hour or more, just to get a glimpse and a smile from the author? Brian started to say no. That nothing was really worth that, until he caught sight of her. She sat with her head bent. Her dark hair flowed around her face like a curtain, masking her from the light and onlookers. Someone said something and she threw her head back in laughter. The place seemed to ring with that sound, like angels singing from on high. His eyes were glued onto her, didn't move from her as he walked up, finally reaching her and the table.

He held out the book in his hand, suddenly grateful that Krissy had made him by the damned thing. Couldn't be at a signing with nothing to sign. He started to speak as she looked up at him. Her eyes danced with recognition and he was put slightly aback. The rear cover of the book had said it was some sort of mystery. And this mystery writer apparently held some kind of familiarity with him.

"A celebrity," she said softly. "What an honor."

Brian smiled, slightly blushing. "You appear to be one in your own right."

"You could say that." She looked down at the book and smiled as her hand started moving. Quickly, she was done, talking politely to him as she signed. She handed him back the book and smiled.

"To B-Rok,

Thanks for the support... and... KTBSPA

C.C. Chase"

Brian looked at her and smiled. "Keep the..."

"Backstreet Pride Alive," she finished for him. He looked at her in curiosity and she smiled again. “What can I say? I have a thing for pop music.”

“I’m flattered.”

“You should be.”

Brian felt Krissy getting twitchy behind him and bit his lip. “I’m holding up the line. Um-- thanks for the autograph.”

She smiled. “Just read the book and that’s enough for me.”

Brian started to walk away, then stopped, turning back. “By the way, can I ask what the C.C. stands for?”

“Charisma Cordelia.”

“Lovely name,” he said as he walked away. Charisma watched him walk away. His spoken voice was as beautiful as his singing voice and it left her partially entranced. Hearing her name called, she turned back to the people in line with a shaky smile. As she finished the day she thought of Brian Littrell.

Brian stood against a wall, watching. Krissy talked small talk, hashing over tidbits from the book. From the sounds of it, he’d have to really read it. He shook his head and chuckled. Who am I kidding? he thought. I’m gonna read it to see what came from that angel. When he saw Krissy walking toward him he sighed. That meant he’d have to leave. But, he’d seen a sign. There was one more session the next day. If he stayed up all night, he could read the book and be back with something intelligent to say.

~ * ~

Brian laid Gia down on the bed and she was instantly asleep. She’d always been so active, and her naps were usually as quick. But, since the loss of her mother, the naps came in place of the activity. She just wanted to lay down. She didn’t want to play very much. She wanted to ask questions. Why did Mommy go? Why can’t Mommy come back? Daddy, please bring Mommy back.

Each word tore at Brian’s heart every time he heard them. And each time he said the same thing. God wanted Mommy with him. Mommy’s in Heaven and she can’t come back. I’m sorry, baby. I can’t bring Mommy back. I want to. God, do I want to. I just can’t.

And each time it was the same. Yes, you can. You’re Daddy. You can do anything.

Not that, baby. I just-- I can’t do that.

With a sigh, Brian left the room. The pain in his chest was greater than anything he’d ever experienced. He almost wished for the deadly hole to reappear. It would give him a way out. But, then, he thought about Gia and took it back. He couldn’t leave her alone. He couldn’t leave her a complete orphan. Kevin had been right. She needed him.

He walked back to the living room and sat back in his chair. Kevin sat across from him on the sofa. They’d been there for him. Kevin and Krissy. They’d taken Gia for a while when he needed to be alone. They’d tried to comfort him. They just didn’t seem to understand that there was no comforting to be had. His wife, the only woman he would ever love had gone and there was nothing to make her come back. That was the only comfort he could have and it was a futile desire.

“You have to get past it,” Kevin told him softly.

“I can’t.” Brian turned the chair back to the window.

“You have to. For Gia’s sake. And what about the group? B-Rok... you’re hiding in these walls. She wouldn’t want that.”

“I don’t know what else to do,” he said softly.

“Live,” Kevin told him, simply. Brian slowly manuevered his chair back to his cousin and looked at him with glistening eyes. His bottom lip quivered and his body shook with his inner pain.

“I don’t know how to do that anymore.”

~ * ~

Brian didn’t know how he’d done it. As he watched his wife holding their newborn daughter, he didn’t know how he’d managed to get her. Was it the book? Was it fate? Was it God? Whatever the reason, he was grateful for it. He hadn’t expected her to accept the invitation to lunch, or even the invitation the following night to dinner. Surprisingly, she’d accepted and they’d had such a wonderful time.

There had to be an element of fate to it, he knew. That she lived in Florida, not too far from Orlando. That someone that stunning was single. Just that he’d been brought to the signing that day. It was all meant to be. The perfect place at the perfect time gave him the perfect family.

Brian heard the door open and turned. He smiled at them as they came in. Kevin, Krissy, Howie, AJ and Nick (who rode piggy back on AJ, nearly toppling him over). They approached the bed quietly watching mother and child.

“She’s beautiful,” Krissy said softly.

“Thank you,” Brian and Charisma said together.

“What’s her name?” Nick asked. “Personally, I think it should be Nicole. Or Nicolette. Or Nickie. Or--”

“I prefer Alexandria Jamie.”

“What’s wrong with Howarina?”

Brian laughed at them, shaking his head. The jokesters. His best friends. His brothers. “Her name is Gia Analise.”

“That’s nice, too,” Nick said with a groan. “But, I still like Nicolette, better.”

“You would,” Charisma told him.

Brian turned back to her, his joy evident on his face. His life was good. Their album was double platinum, they were a hit on Total Request Live, and above all he had a family of his own. A loving wife, a beautiful daughter... everything he needed and all that he’d ever wanted. He leaned down and kissed the baby’s forehead, then softly pressed his lips to Charisma’s.

“I love you,” he said softly.

“I love you, too,” she said with a smile. “Forever.”

“Forever.”

~ * ~

“I promised to love her forever, Kevin,” Brian said softly. “Every day, I told her that I’d love her for all eternity.”

“And you do love her. Moving on doesn’t mean that you don’t love her.”

“You want me to just forget.”

“God, Bri, I never said that.” Kevin stood up and sat at the ottoman at his cousin’s feet. “I know you could never forget her. None of us could. But-- we all need you sane for Gia and for the rest of us. We need you to get back up and dust yourself off.”

“It’s not that easy!” Brian stood, frustrated and began to pace. “You dont’ know what it’s like. Krissy’s still alive. You get to go home and see her. How do I get to see my wife? In a picture, dammit! Just a damned picture! It’s not fair. I want--”

He stopped as crying reached his ears. Swiftly, he leapt up the stairs, speeding to Gia’s room. She lay, curled up with her mother’s oldest teddy bear, crying. Brian lifted her in his arms, held her close to his chest and rocked her. “Mommy,” she muttered between sobs. “I-- I want my Mommy!”

“I know, baby,” Brian murmurred. “We both want Mommy.” He turned his head to Kevin as he held his daughter and shook his head. “But, baby,” he whispered to Gia, “we can’t have Mommy back.”

“Wh-why?”

“Cause Mommy had to go. God took Mommy to be in Heaven.”

“I don’t want Mommy in Heaven! I wan’ ‘er here!”

“I know, sweetie. So do I. But we can’t always have what we want.”

“No fair.”

“No, it’s not,” he told her. “But-- we have pictures and we have Mommy’s memories. Right?” She didn’t answer, just clung to her father for dear life. “Right?”

With a sniffle, she said, “Right.” Brian laid her back down and rubbed her hair, soothing her to sleep. Once she’d fallen into slumber, he led Kevin out.

“See,” Kevin told him. “You have to snap out of this for her. If she sees you sulking, how is she supposed to get any better?”

“You know-- you don’t get it. Just-- go home to your wife. Okay? Just-- go.”

“Bri--”

“Please, Kev. I just-- I need to be alone.” He humphed. “You’d think I had enough of that.” Sighing, Brian shook his head. “No. Please, just-- just go.”

Kevin looked at him and didn’t want to leave him. He was so vulnerable and every time he left, he had an aching fear that his cousin will have joined his wife when he came back. But, he knew he couldn’t force him to do anything. He had to believe that he would do what was right for Gia. With a sigh, he agreed and left. Brian watched him go then went back to Gia’s bedroom, and sat, watching while she slept. He rocked in the chair that he’d had carved for Charisma to nurse and rock their baby girl in. He sat in her mother’s chair, watching what could be nothing but her mother’s child, and wept her mother’s tears.

~ * ~

It had been going so wonderfully. Three years of familial bliss. But, then, the pains started. Sharp, shooting pains that echoed through her body. The doctors told her cancer. As they were told the options, Brian listened with a heavy heart. This couldn’t be happening. The love of his life couldn’t--

“It has progressed,” the doctors said. “We can remove your uterus and hope that it hasn’t gone too much farther.”

And they agreed. But, then, they said it had moved to her ovaries. They took those out, but once again, it had moved. His wife was dying-- and Brian had a tour. A tour he was more than willing to back out of. But Charisma told him no. He couldn’t do that. He loved touring. He loved his fans. He loved his music. And he told her that he loved her more.

No, she told him. Go. They both had things to do. She had an appearance on Total Request Live, with a new promotional contest. He had the tour. It was almost over. He’d be home soon. They’d be fine.

How would they tell Gia? he wanted to know. We’ll figure it out, she told him. But, right then, they didn’t want to disrupt so much. And with heavy heart, Brian went on tour and his wife went to New York city and the TRL studios.

Brian watched the show, live, from Philadelphia. She looked radiant. No one would know she was sick as she stood laughing with Carson Daly and playing up to the fans. “Now, let’s get this straight,” Carson said. “You’re actually giving away a date with Brian?”

She laughed. “I’m a generous wife. Maybe now the girls won’t hate me so much.” The crowd laughed. “Five lucky girls will win dates with their favorite Backstreet Boy. Courtesy of Jive Records and MTV. Oh, and-- shameless plug. Buy my new book!”

Carson laughed. “I read it. Good book. If I were Brian, I’d be jealous of that inscription. Of course, if I were Brian, I’d have the good life and the girls would be yelling for me.” At that, catcalls erupted. “Yeah, yeah. Liars. Charisma, why don’t you introduce the next video?”

“Um-- okay. At number 6 on the countdown, here’s Britney Spears with Oops, I Did It Again.”

The video played and Brian watched. He knew how long they usually played one and it went too long. Immediately, he picked up the phone and called into the studio. Carson put him on the air, playing it off as a surprise phone call, but when they were back on the air, Charisma’s face was paler. Her muscles taut. She’d been in pain and he hadn’t been there. Would there be another time I’m not there? he thought. What if she-- and I’m not. He pushed away those thoughts and finished the call. A few more and it would be over. A few more dates and he’d be home. He needed home. He needed her.

~ * ~

Brian finally left Gia’s room and roamed around the house. Once agian, he stood in the doorway to the den, watching an empty room. He felt the spirit, the essence of her, still there. He could still almost hear the typing, the frustration, the jubilation as she finished something. The laughter of the emails and the letters from the girls, all trying to win dates. On the verge of tears, he left the room and went to another.

The kitchen. So many nights she’d stood there, making dinner. He’d come in and grab something. She’d turn and hit him, shoo him away. Occasionally, they’d cook together. Or they’d bring Gia in and make cookies. Sugar, chocolate, chocolate chip-- whatever the little girl’s heart desired. And once again, the memories forced him to leave.

Brian walked outside and sat on the swing. That had always been there, it seemed. She’d been sitting on it when she told him she was pregnant. He’d been sitting on it when he’d come home, after finding out that his wife woulnd’t be with him forever and a day. Gia had been sitting on it when they told her that Mommy was sick. So many pivotal moments had happened on that swing. When Charisma had died, he’d wanted to rip it up. To tear it from the ground with his bare hands and throw it aside. But, Gia said no. It was Mommy’s swing and it had to stay. And for her, he’d left the torturous construct of plastic and metal.

He went back inside the house and up to the bedroom. He’d been sleeping in the guest room for the past year, unable to sleep in there alone. But for some reason, he’d chosen that time to take a nap in there. To lie on her side of the bed, on her pillow that still smelled of lilacs and roses from her shampoo and wrapped in the blankets that she’d picked out. He slept in uncomfort, dreaming of her.

~ * ~

She was in the kitchen. It was lunchtime and Gia needed something to eat. Charisma stood over the boiling part and doubled over. It was getting worse and she hadn’t wanted to tell Brian. She knew he would rush home and the tour wasn’t over yet. He couldnt’ leave just yet. He couldn’t disappoint millions of people.

She stood straight and once again, the pain came. As she slowly walked out of the kitchen, she knew she should have asked Krissy to stay and help her. It was to the point where she could barely make it out of bed. She didn’t even sleep upstairs anymore unless someone was there. She couldn’t make it back and forth. Adn when she’d gotten up for Gia, she knew she shouldn’t have. Knew that she couldn’t do it.

Charisma fell to the floor as Gia ran into the room. “Mommy!” she yelled, rushing to her. “Mommy, get up! Mommy!” Charisma tried and fell again. “Phone,” she whispered. Gia ran, bringing her the phone. Her weak fingers managed to press the speed dial button before she collapsed, this time lying still.

Crying, holding the phone, Gia spoke. “Aunt Krissy! Mommy hurt! She won’t get up!” Quickly, Krissy calmed her and ran to the house. In motions, though fast, seemed too slow, she called the ambulance. She took Gia to a neighbor then followed. During the wait at the hospital, she made that fateful call.

Brian’s heart shattered. All he’d heard was the word hospital and his knees went weak. It had happened. She was dying, really dying, and he wasn’t there. “Hurry, Brian,” she told him. “She doens’t have long.”

“Where’s Gia?” he asked her.

“At Mrs. Johnson’s.” Krissy paused. “Brian-- she was there. When she--”

“God, no,” he whispered. “Please-- I’ll be right there. Krissy, please, dont’ leave her.”

“I won’t. Just-- hurry. Okay?”

“I’m already gone.” The phone hung as he turned to the others. “Tour is off. My wife is dying. I’m going home.”

Brian walked into the room and he knew. This was it. Her frail body lay amongst the covers and it wasn’t her. It was a shell of the glorious woman he’d married. That woman’s hair was lustrous, her lips pouty, her body lean and her spirit vibrant. This-- this wan’t her. This was-- a husk. An empty shell, or almost empty, for he still felt a slight bit of her there. Something was left and he knew she was waiting. He walked over to Krissy and she looked up.

Her eyes were red. She and Charisma had gotten so close and watching her die was killing her. She held her hand, and had held it since the doctors had let her in. She finally let go, however, and stood, hugging Brian. He pulled back and sighed. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to...”

“Can I ask you another favor?”

“Anything.”

“Get Gia.”

“Bri--”

“Please. She has to-- she has to say goodbye.”

Krissy looked at him and knew as well as he did that it was the end. With a nod, she left to get the child and Brian took her spot beside the bed.

He took his wife’s small hand in his and ran his thumb in circles on the back. “I’m here, baby,” he said softly. “I’m here.” Her eyes fluttered, her body moved slightly and she opened her eyes.

“B-Brian--”

“Sh-- Baby, don’t talk.”

“Need to say--good--”

“Bye,” he said softly. “I know.”

“Gia...”

“Krissy went to get her.”

“Oh.”

They didn’t say anything until Gia came. There was nothing to say. No words to say how much they didn’t want this to happen. No reason in saying that it wasn’t fair. Everyone knew it wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. This was a part of life. A part, however, that had come all too soon.

Krissy placed Gia in Brian’s lap and left the room, crying. Brian stood and placed Gia on the bed beside her mother. The little girl leaned down and kissed her cheek softly. “Love you, Mommy.”

“I-- love you-- too, baby.”

“Please, don’t leave me,” she said, her voice shaking with tears. Niether Brian nor Charisma could hold back their own at her undaunting plea.

“I’m so sorry,” she muttered. “If I could--”

“Please, Mommy. Please!” She started to cry harder and Krissy came back, taking her.

Brian sat back in the chair, moving it closer. “No,” Charisma muttered. “Here.”

“Baby?”

“With-- me. Hold me. One-- last time.”

Without speaking, Brian lowered the bedside rail and sat up on the bed. He pulled the almost lifeless form of his wife into his lap and brushed her hair back. “Not enough time,” he whispered. “Nowhere near enough.”

“I know.”

“I dont’ want to let you go. I love you too much.”

“Love you, too. Don’t want-- to go.”

“Then don’t.”

“I can’t help it.”

“I know. And neither can I,” he said and kissed her softly.

Once again, they sat in silence, but this silence didn’t break with words. It broke hours later, with Brian’s sobs as he held his wife’s body in his arms, the machines buzzing flat as her last shaky breath left her and her spirit floated away. Doctors came in but he didn’t let go. Why should he be denied the last chance he’d ever have to hold her body when there was nothing they could do? She was still warm and that left him the final memory of a semblence of the life that she had so dearly loved. But, he had to realize that life was gone-- and the one left was one that he didn’t want.

And in a soft voice, he gave her what she’d always loved. His melodies. Blessing her body in eternal slumber, he let the words of his pain fall forth. “Show me the meaning of being lonely. Is this the feeling, I need to walk with...” He looked up as the others came in the room and voices were added to his. “Tell me why, I can’t be there where you are. There’s something missing in my heart.”

~ * ~

Brian sat up in the bed and rubbed his eyes. He’d been hearing things in his sleep. Soft voices, murmurred love and devotion. And when he woke, he was seeing things. He closed his eyes, shook his head, but each time he looked, the same thing was there.

“R-Rizzi?” he said softly. The shimmering figure moved to him, touched his cheek. Caressed his hand. Kissed him. “Baby, you--”

“You have to move on, Brian,” she said softly.

“I can’t,” he whispered.

“You’re killing your spirit, your soul.”

“It’s too hard.”

“You’re killing yourself.”

“Then let me die and be with you.”

She moved away from him and went out the door. Brian stood and followed her into Gia’s room. “Listen to her, Brian,” she told him softly. He looked at her, confused. “Mommy wants her to be with you.”

“You-- She--”

“I couldn’t leave either of you completely.”

“The tapping of the keys?” She just looked at him. “Why?”

“I couldn’t just leave you.”

“But, this isn’t enough. I need you. I can’t live without you.”

“You have to, Brian. For her. I want you to be happy.”

“I can’t be without you.”

“You have to be. She needs you. I can’t hold her, Brian. I can’t kiss her tears away. I can’t teach her all the things she needs to know. You have to do that for me. If you love me, if you ever loved me, you’ll do this. You’ll raise our daughter. You won’t let her forget me. You won’t let her waste away in her tears.”

Brian watched as she leaned down and laid a gentle kiss on Gia’s cheek. She whispered, “Mommy,” then rolled over. Charisma left the room and went back to the bedroom. Her shimmering form lied down on the bed, in her spot, on her pillow, atop her blankets. He laid down beside her and went to touch her. His hands went through to the bed.

“I’ll touch you,” she whispered. She rolled to him and let her whispy hand touch his cheek and he felt the coolness of life after death against his skin. Her lips touched his and they were chilled. “Love me, Brian.”

“I do love you.”

“Then give me this one last thing,” she whispered. She leaned down to his ear as slumber suddenly started to take him back. “Live.”

And as he sank into the land of the Morpheus, the body of clouds and spirits dispersed, leaving something behind. Something to show that there was life left in that house. Something for Brian to cling to, to pull himself up with from the murky depths below. And while he slept, that word echoed in his mind. “Live.”

The End

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