Iím All About You
He's always out there. Every night it seems like. Even the few days he comes home, it's only for a short while, not nearly long enough, because he's right back out, gone again. Then, he's so tired after the concerts, and then the traveling, and the few hours out with the guys. We barely talk much. I get a call about once a week, which isn't too bad, I guess. At least I hear from him at all.
I shouldn't think so negatively. I've got the most gorgeous, blue-eyed man in the world, with a voice that just makes me swoon. And he's got a cute little Southern accent that makes me smile when he talks. He loves me. I love him. We have each other's hearts. But, that doesn't make it any better when he's gone. They say it's lonely on the road, but it gets lonely at home, too, wherever that is.
Sometimes it's my little apartment and sometimes it's Brian's house. I'll go over there when he's gone sometimes just to feel his presence there. I'll smell his clothes, lie on the bed where he's worn a rut in it on his side of the bed. At times, I even cook one of his favorite foods just as a reminder. And I carry my phone around all the time, just in case he gets the chance to call. I miss him, and do every time he leaves.
But, see, that's not it. There's also the not knowing when he's gone. Not knowing what he's doing, how he's doing, who he's with... all of that. I trust him, really I do. But... some say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but more often than not, it makes the heart grow weaker. Too much time apart can make the emotions soften and eventually go away. What if there's someone else out there?
Someone that one day he decides can make him happier? It's my biggest fear about him being gone. That one day, he'll come back and his house won't be a "home" anymore, because he'll have replaced me. He'll tell me that he doesnít love me anymore and that it's over. Then, I'll be left alone again, except this time, he won't be coming back in a few weeks. He won't be coming back to me, that is. He'll be returning to someone else, someone he loves, and I'll be sitting in a little apartment in the dark wondering where I went wrong and what I did to make him stop loving me.
I'm tired as hell. I'm always tired as hell. But... there's just something that I have to do. I've gotta make a phone call. I've been neglecting her and I don't know why. I can say I'm tired. That the days aren't long enough for me to do everything. But, those are good excuses. There is no good excuse. When you love someone, you should protect their hearts as well as their bodies. It's been three days since I've talked to my baby, and I miss her. I miss her so much that it hurts.
It's tough out here. Yeah, it looks glamorous, but it's hard. The days start turning into night faster than you can turn your head after a while. A day goes by so fast that you don't even know what day of the week it is. And... I have to honestly say that I forget to call. I forget to call home and check in and remind her that I love her. I forget the call, but I never forget about her. She's on my mind every moment of every day, even when I'm on stage. She's my focus and always will be.
But, I know that she doesn't see it like that. I've watched her eyes when I've been home and seen the puffiness from crying. I can hear the relief of the call in her voice when we speak. I can also hear the sadness in the fact that it takes me an entire week sometimes between phone calls. It's horrible. I'm horrible. Why? Because from just observation and years of being close to her, be it as friend or girlfriend, I know what she's thinking. I don't blame her, because I wonder the same thing about her sometimes.
It's like, she's there, I'm here. What is she doing all alone? How alone is she? I mean, yeah, she has her friends, but what about other guys? Does she take a date to find solice in being near someone? Does she do more than the dates? It's very possible that I could come home and she's not there waiting for me. She's always waiting for me. At my house. Her second home. For a year and a half, it never failed that I'd walk through the door and she'd be on the couch waiting for me, and a I love it. It's a blessed feeling to step inside from all that time away and see the one who owns your heart waiting for you and accepting you with open arms. If she suddenly wasn't there, I'd break down. I'd lose it because I lost her.
And still, I know she's waiting for me to do the same thing to her. Come back, but not really be there. I don't really know what to say to her about it. Like... I try to tell her that those women coming around are nothing compared to her. Or that every time I sing, there's a reason my eyes are closed. I maybe be singing for a crowd of fans, but I'm singing to her. There's a big difference. They get to hear it, but she-- she gets to own it, to have it, to love it and me. And with my eyes closed, I can see her watching me, smiling at me, totally in awe. It's all for her, and I want her to know that. I won't leave her. No matter how many times I don't get to call, or how many days we have to be apart, I'll always love her and be there with her. And she tells me the same thing. That I'll never come home and she not be waiting for me. She loves me. And no matter what we tell each other face to face, how much holding one another we make ourselves believe it, the second we're apart, the security flies straight out the window.
"Hello?" The phone was picked up quickly. Gia had been awakened suddenly by the ringing of the telephone.
"Hey, baby." Brian's voice was low. Soft. Loving. Gia smiled and leaned her head back against the pillow. She let out a smile sigh. "Hi," she responded back to him. Her words stretched out contentedly, and Brian asked, "Did I wake you?"
"Yeah, but-- it's okay. I've been waiting--"
"I know," he said quickly. "I'm sorry."
"Bri, it's okay. Really. You're busy and--"
"And I still should have called sooner." Brian took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Air flowed into his mouth and out of his nostrils cleansingly. Just the sound of her voice made him forgot all his feelings of loneliness, because hearing her helped him think of being with her, and he was given a sense that no matter what, he was never truly alone.
Brian was silent for so long that Gia asked, "Are you still there?"
Brian nodded to himself, then said, "Yeah." He was quiet again. "There's something-- I need to tell you."
Gia sat straight up in the bed. Things were worse than she thought. She'd always hoped that he'd at least tell her to her face that he didn't want to be with her anymore. It just seemed so degrading for it to be done over the phone. "Brian--"
"Just-- listen?" He took in another huge breath and let it flow out between his lips. "I love you, you know that. Right?" She muttered a soft, 'yeah', then he kept going. "I know-- I mean, you're worried. I can hear it in your voice when we talk."
"You don't have to deny it. I know you, Gia, and you're worried when I'm gone. I just-- I wanna let you know not to be. Even if I forget to call, you don't have to worry. I may not call, but I'm thinkin' about you. Every minute. I sing to you, I sleep with you in my head-- everything I do-- it's all you, baby. All you."
"I-- Brian, I love you, but-- it's just we're always apart and--"
"And we can handle that. We've been doing it haven't we?"
"Yeah," she replied.
"Then, we can keep doing it. And when I get back for good? Once the concerts are all over and we got some rest time-- just you and me, Gia. Maybe we can go skiing? Or to some tropical island to get away from the winter cold. It doesn't really matter. As long as it's us."
"I'd like that," Gia said softly. "I'd love it. Just the two of us."
"So, would I," Brian said. "For a long long time." He let the last sentence linger in the air and Gia thought about it, pondering the different ways the sentence could be taken. She didn't ask, though, and Brian didn't offer any blind answers. They just held the phone in silence for a few minutes before minor conversation started again, just discussing how things were going, how the tour was, how the guys were, how the family was back home. Normal catch up things. Until, finally, Brian started to fall asleep on the line.
"You got to bed, baby," Gia told him. Brian muttered a barely audible, "not sleepy," and she laughed. "Yeah, you are. You go to sleep and... I'll talk to you later? Maybe I'll even call you this time."
"That would be nice," he said sleepily.
"Yeah, it would. So get some sleep and... I love you, Brian."
"Love you, too, Gia..."
"And hang up your cell or your battery'll die." But she spoke only to a snore. Gia smiled, whispering her love again, then hung up and dialed another number. She looked to the clock and it was almost three in the morning. He'd be grouchy, but-- "Kev?" she said.
"What," he replied gruffly.
"It's Gia. He fell asleep with his phone on, again. Could you--"
"Yeah, yeah," he said. No need for her to finish the sentence, since most nights that the two talked, Brian did the same. He'd always ended up hanging up his cousin's phone and getting him in the bed, beneath the covers. "I got him."
"Thanks, Kev. 'Night." Gia hung up the phone and laid back against the bed. She could rest comfortably. She always did when she heard from Brian. He made her feel better, more confident in their relationship, and most of all loved. He'd said it was all about her, but really, it was about the both of them. About them both being secure and stable as possible. "About us," she muttered as she rolled over and closed her eyes, then drifted off to sleep.
Please tell Carm what you thought of this story!