Only On Her Own

By:  Sierra

 

And now I'm all alone again

Nowhere to turn

No one to go to…

 

ring… ring…

 

She searched herself for her small cell phone, which she was so sure she had pocketed so wisely before. Her hands ran through her pockets, opening buttons, unsnapping fasteners, unzipping zippers… all the while slightly cursing cargo shorts and waiting to feel the phone's familiar slick touch.

 

ring… ring…

 

She began to search more frantically, knowing it was him, feeling it was him.

 

ring…

 

She pulled it out quickly from a stiff pocket and held it up in triumph, feeling it vibrate in mid-ring in her hand. Taking one glance around her, and steering to the side of the path, she pushed the phone on in one fluid movement.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Julie!"

 

"Hey dork…" A smile pulled at her mouth and she reached up almost automatically to smooth down her tousled hair.

 

"Hey yourself! Look, it's crazy around here, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm still meeting you at the same time, same place, as usual. Alright?" His voice sounded distant, but straining, and she could just imagine him in the middle of a huge throng of people, shouting into his small phone and covering his ears.

 

"Sounds good. See ya there, dork." Her voice sounded very calm in contrast with his, since she could almost see him bending down to the floor on his knees, waving away comments from all other people and trying to ignore the persistent tapping on his shoulder. She stood relaxed on the empty cement pathway, in the glow of a old dying streetlight.

 

"See ya, freak." To hear his laugh on the other end of the line made her laugh as well. She then pocketed the phone much like she had before, smiling involuntarily.

Sighing deeply, the smile lingered on her face only for a moment before completely melting away. She began to remember he had those hundreds of people crowding around him, smiling at him, congratulating him, shaking hands with him, offering him deals, offering him hugs, offering him kisses…

 

She shook her head and lowered her eyes, quietly yelling at herself again, for what seemed to be the thousandth time. She had to be happy for him… she had to. Besides, most of those people held fake smiles, fake conversations, fake caring for him, while even their short conversation on the phone had been very real.

 

But that was so hard to do, when he could turn and talk and socialize with the hundreds there, and she had… a park bench.

 

Without a home,

Without a friend,

Without a face to say hello to…

 

She hopped up on the bench, balancing lightly on her feet along the edges. She held out her hands and then suddenly bent down to push them firmly to the bench beneath her. With one movement, she pushed herself up, so that her legs reached up high and straight in the air, completely supported by her hands on the bench. After turning on her hands a couple times like that, she jumped down lightly onto the cement, making an elaborate landing for anyone that cared to see. No one did, though.

 

With another sigh, she turned from the park bench and walked back out across the cement path that ran along a short cement wall. Beyond that cement wall, were miles and miles of ocean, now glinting with the fading light. She pushed her hands to the cool cement and stretched out to look across the water, breathing the air in and out. It had always seemed beautiful, but it took on almost a magical quality when he had been standing there with her.

 

They had been going to the same exact spot for years- the same perfect place to look out across the ocean to see the sun set- the same perfect place to stand hand stands on the bench- the same perfect place that almost no one passed by. That meant that whenever she had seen a figure walk down the sidewalk along side that cement wall, still almost indistinguishable from a far distance, a black figure barely unlined in the fading light, she knew it had to be him.

 

It had been awhile since she had stood unpatiently, waiting for him, looking into the distance up the sidewalk for him to come down with the same unmistakable gait. It had been awhile since he had walked up that way toward her, and she knew it would almost be an hour longer. She could wait, though. She could wait.

 

But now the night is here, and I can make believe he is here.

 

She half-walked, half-ran the opposite way from the path, leaving their paint-chipped bench and dirt-worn place behind. No, he wouldn't be coming for an hour, but she wouldn't risk not being able to see him walk up that path again in the dusk, knowing it was him, feeling it was him…

 

Sometimes I walk alone at night,

When everybody else is sleeping,

 

She didn't stop running until she reached a more popular pathway in the park, dotted here and there with a bicycler, runner, or walker. Jogging across another cement pathway, she stopped right before a small coffee stand on the side of the pathway. Not even having to read the menu sign posted on it's bright green and white awning, she smiled and asked, half-way out of breath,

 

"Medium hot chocolate, please."

 

The man across from her poured it quickly and handed her the steaming cup. He smiled across at her as he accepted the two dollars she handed across to him, because he could see the secret smile on her lips. He could see the thoughts that were betrayed across her face that were obviously miles away.

 

I think of him

And then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping.

The city goes to bed,

And I can live inside my head.

 

Nodding her thanks to the man, she turned away from the cart and waited for a jogger to pass by. She then stared down into her hot chocolate, and began to walk slowly back up the way she had come. It felt warm and comforting in her hands, even in the summer night heat. She stared down into it's depths, the swirling, creamy spirals that ran around and around in the cup. It spun more and more, floating, dancing, melting into the darkness of the liquid.

 

On my own,

Pretending he's beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning.

 

Somewhere in the depths of the liquid, she found his eyes. They were soft, and they stared up at her differently then ever before.

 

"Hey," she whispered.

 

"Hi there," he whispered back.

 

She laughed to see his smile and then looked up from her hot chocolate to see him walking beside her. The way his shoulder nudged up against her own and the way her hot chocolate felt in her hands sent a tingling sensation up her back.

 

Without him, I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way,

I close my eyes and he has found me.

 

He began to wrap an arm around her waist, a touch so incredibly new to her, but so incredibly wonderful. He bent his head close to her own, and his smell invaded her senses, making her head rush and the entire world swirl. She let her eyes trace every part of his face- up from his slightly parted lips, past his curved cheeks, up to the round area beneath his eyes, then finally up to his eyes. Beside the striking whiteness in the dark, the blue transparency of his eyes seemed to stretch on for miles. She suddenly wanted to reach up to touch his face, to make sure the he was really there. He had never looked at her like that before, with that intense softness and depth.

 

"Look…" He pointed up to the tree tops and the night sky beyond. Letting her eyes follow his hand, she took in a steep breath.

 

In the rain, the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river…

In the darkness

The trees are full of starlight…

 

High up above their heads, the trees glistened with such a silver glow that it seemed that the stars and the their shine were one and the same. The stars themselves shone with an intensity she had never seen before. They pierced out in the inky blackness and reached out so far into the depths of the sky that simply looking up at them made her dizzy.

 

She softly pulled away from him and began to turn on the pavement, staring up at the sky and laughing. As she spun and reached up to touch a sparkling, shimmering branch from a nearby low tree, she whispered, "You did all of this?"

 

"Mmm hmm." His hand reached up to point again, this time to the low cement wall and the ocean beyond, which they had been walking toward. "Look there, too."

She shielded her eyes to look beyond the dimly glowing yellow path way lights to stare out at the ocean. There, the water sparkled, fading, washing, turning, and blinking with the light reflecting into it from the pathway. She took his arm and pulled him closer to the cement wall, and together they leaned down to look.

 

The closest path way light bathed both of them in the soft yellow glow and sent the sparks of light down into the water. Leaning down, she could see the little waves crashing and sending up shimmering sparks of light, brilliant in the dark air.

 

He didn't say a word. He simply put his arm around her again, soft and comforting around her waist. She turned to look at him again, and saw the dim yellow glow shine across his forehead and glint down into his eyes.

 

And all I see is him and me forever and forever…

 

"You don't understand how long I've waited for you to look at me like this," she whispered. Feeling the stiff paper cup in her hand, she felt over and placed it on the cement wall, steadying it carefully without looking at it. At the same moment, as she pulled her hand away, she felt one of her fingers brush by it, knocking it down off the wall.

 

Pulling away from his arm, she looked off the wall quickly, to see it spiral, turn, and fall in the air. The liquid inside came spilling out, and plunged into the ocean in droplets as the cup itself softly fell after it. It spun slowly in the air, slower, then slower, and then a bit slower…until it crashed into the waves and was washed over, and pulled below. The crash made her let out a gasp, and crashed her back into reality.

 

And I know ,

it's only in my mind…

 

She looked up and saw that the beautiful sparkle to the ocean was gone. The light reflected on upon it had vanished, and the path way light simply stopped a few feet around her. She turned around quickly, to see the tree tops dark and only rustling slightly in the summer air. The stars beyond the top of the trees were like they had always been, and if anything, they seemed dimmer and overcast.

 

That I'm talking to myself

And not to him…

 

She turned and swallowed, seeing the cement path beside her totally empty and just simply illuminated in the circle of light from the pathway light. The warmth around her vanished, and she turned around once more, seeing the darkness of the pathway along the low cement wall as far as she could see. She was alone, so totally alone, that her hand trembled and she steadied herself on the cement wall.

 

And although

I know that he is blind

Still I say, there's a way for us.

 

All that filled her vision were tears that weren't really there, and visions of him snatched away from her so quickly that it left her world reeling. Turning her face to the sky, she began to inch slowly back up the pathway.

 

I love him,

But when the night is over,

He is gone,

A river's just a river.

 

He would be coming soon, she knew. But what would that change? She would simply talk with him like she always had for years, laughing and loving him secretly, looking at his eyes and seeing more then he did. Things would always be the same for her, she knew. They would talk like the old friends that they were, and he would leave again. He would have the thousands that loved him… the thousands that cheered for him… the thousands that wanted to be with him… the thousands that didn't really know him but wanted to…while all she had a feeling that wasn't returned and a life in which no one cared if she stayed or left.

 

Without him,

The world around me changes,

The trees are bare,

And everywhere

The streets are full of strangers…

 

Shuttering, she held her arms tight around herself and began walking faster along the low cement wall and the ocean beyond. The trees seemed to loom over at her at strange angles, and the cement beneath her feet seemed broken and jutting. Out in the ocean, there were endless expanses of dark, turning waves, and back in the way of the trees were simply more expanses of emptiness… and loneliness…

 

I love him, but every day I'm learning

All my life

I've only been pretending!

A sob ran through her as she finally reached their old bench and old worn out spot along the wall. He would come, he would leave, he would never know… and he would never care.

Without me,

This world will go on turning…

 

Feeling a wetness at her eyes, she turned to the cement wall and placed her hands firmly on it. She lifted herself up, so that she was balancing lightly on the couple inches of it, high above the crashing waves. The small summer breeze blew her hair in front of her face, and some of it became wet from her tears. She looked down, down, down, into the waves where her reality had crashed before. She didn't want to lie to herself anymore. She didn't want to pretend she was happy without him. She didn't want to pretend she was happy and laugh with him while other thoughts raced through her head anymore. Most of all, she didn't want to hold him back. She didn't want to weigh him down with her problems and her future, when his was so bright.

 

The world is full of happiness

That I have never known!

 

What would it be like? What would it really be like without her? She lifted one foot up and then planted it firmly back upon the wall. She had no one to turn to, no one. Only him… and he had thousands. She wanted her dream back so much that it tore her heart inside. She never knew love could hurt physically- she thought they only sang about that in songs. But that couldn't be true, since she was feeling it so intensely at that moment. Her insides were burning, twisting, sending sharp pains up across her entire body. She wanted to feel the glow, the rush in her mind again, that she had only felt in her dreams with him. She could have that, she knew. She could have that in all her dreams to come…

 

I love him…

 

She lifted her foot again, the wetness now streaming down her face, plastering a few pieces of hair to her cheeks. She could have that… she could…

 

"Julie!!"

 

Her insides turned, and she took in a sharp breath. Barely able to breath, she almost fell forward from the shock.

 

"Julie!!"

 

Suddenly arms were around her waist, pulling her back and down to the cement, holding her so tightly. The hands lowered her to the ground, and pressed her tightly on her sides. Feeling the warm cement beneath her, her breaths came in shudders, and she finally turned her wet eyes up to his shocked ones.

 

"Julie… what were you doing??"

 

Her eyes wavered over his, and her voice wouldn't come out. She simply collapsed into tears, and he took her up tightly in his arms, holding her close. Feeling herself in his embrace made her begin to cry harder, and her tears rolled down the front of his shirt.

 

I love him…

 

"I love you, Justin." Her whisper was quiet, whispered into the fabric of his shirt. He pulled her away softly, and lowered his eyes again to hers.

 

"What?"

"I said I love you. I just do." She swallowed and gulped in the air that suddenly seemed to be missing in her body.

 

"Oh, I love you too, Julie…" He stroked her hair and held her close again, so that his real smell invaded her senses.

 

She shook her head against his chest. She knew he didn't mean it the way she felt it. He loved her as the friend he had known for years, and he loved her as the girl he could sit upon a cement wall with as the sun set and tell her everything. He loved her as that, and nothing more.

 

I love him…

 

Feeling her shake of her head upon his chest, he bit down upon his lip. "I do love you Julie, I really do. You know you can tell me anything. Please, please, tell me what's wrong." He held her back once more, and looked at her lowered eyes. He touched her cheek and coaxed her to look up at his eyes.

 

She did, but knew she could never tell him. If she did, everything would change. She couldn't risk losing him- because even though she had very little, she had him. No… she couldn't lose the one thing in her life that had just saved her from ending it all. She knew he would be happier just remaining ignorant of her thoughts, and she knew he would eventually find someone he truly loved. Then she would be happy because he would be so happy. But she also knew she loved him more then her life itself, and would do anything to have him see that…

 

She knew all of that, and so much more. What she didn't know was that as he stared down at her, stroking her cheek and staring at her eyes trying to find meaning to them, he was thinking the same longing, conflicting, but very silent thoughts about her.

 

But only on my own…

 

The End

 

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