Haunted

By:  Lara

 

“You remember, right, Brian? BA…SKET…BALL…the thing you USED to play all the time with your very best friend in the whole world?” Nick spun the basketball on one long index finger as he talked to Brian on the phone. “C’mon, Bri…you can do that with her ANY day.”  He sighed in frustration. “God, Bri, since you got married you’ve been SO whipped.  Yeah, that IS what I think.  Yes, I know you’re married…but married people make room for their friends!  Whatever. Bye.” Nick angrily hung up.  “Fuck.  I just fought with my best friend.” He angrily threw the phone onto the sofa and picked up his gym bag. He’d go shoot hoops by himself.

 

As Nick sank the ball into the basket, his mind was on Brian.  He and Brian were inseparable…that is, until Brian met LeighAnne.  She was nice, and Nick liked her, but Brian was a different person when she was around. He wasn’t goofy, didn’t help Nick play practical jokes on Kevin and Howie.  And now that they were married, Brian had no time for Nick.  Nick understood that marriage was an important relationship that took precedence in his friend’s life.  That didn’t mean Nick didn’t miss him, though.  Brian tried to make the excuse that Nick didn’t have anyone, therefore Nick couldn’t understand.  But Nick DID understand.  Nick wanted someone to be in his life. Wanted someone who he could trust with his deepest secrets, yet cuddle and love and have fun with.  Lately it seemed that he looked to men more than women for that, but he didn’t mind.  So what if he was bisexual?  AJ was bisexual and no one cared.  No one besides AJ actually KNEW Nick was having bisexual tendencies…but when Nick came to a decision, he would tell everyone.

A basketball hitting the back of his head made him jump back to reality.  He hit the ground with an “oof.”

“Oh, Jesus, are you okay?”  A tall brunette helped Nick up.  “Shit…I wasn’t really aiming and…oh, GOD…” His eyes were concerned.  “You okay?”

“Yeah.  I have a hard head.” Nick rubbed the bump and grinned. “It’s okay.” 

The man’s two friends ran up. “Holy shit, Jamie, you’re gonna get the ass sued off of you,” one man said, looking at Nick and frowning. “Do you know who you hit?”

“Uh, no. Should I?”  He tilted his head and looked at Nick, who blushed.

“His picture is all over my sister’s room.” The man held out his hand.  “Eric.  This is Devon. The clumsy bonehead is Jamie.”

“Hi.”  Nick shook hands all around. “Nick Carter.”

“From the Backstreet Boys, dumbass.”  Eric chucked Jamie in the head. Jamie’s dark eyes widened.

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

Nick laughed. “It’s okay, really.” And it was. Jamie was gorgeous.  As tall as Nick, well-defined muscles, and deep puppy dog brown eyes.  “I forgive you.  No suing.  I promise.”

“Cool.” Jamie smiled.  “You here all alone?”

“My best friend bailed on me,” Nick admitted.

“C’mon. Play with us. We can play two on two. I’ll put you on my team, so you know I won’t kill you,” Jamie said.

“Okay.”  Suddenly the day was looking up.

 

“So…where do you live, Nick?” Jamie asked as they fell onto the grass, panting.

Nick told him and Eric’s eyes widened.  “Dude…nice houses up there.”

Nick shrugged.  “It’s nice, yeah.”

“I live over that way…mind if I grab a ride with you so Eric and Dev don’t have to go out of their way?”

“Of course not.”  Nick was NOT going to say no to having this hottie alone in his car with him.  “Let’s roll.”

Nick shook hands with Eric and Devon and led Jamie to his car.  Jamie whistled. “Sweet ride.”

“Thanks,” Nick said modestly.  Jamie climbed in and gave Nick quick directions.

“Thanks,” Jamie said as Nick pulled out of the parking lot.

“No problem. You’re on my way,” Nick replied.

“Well…thanks for the ride, but thanks for not freaking out.”

“Because you hit me with a ball?” Nick asked, grinning.

“No…about Eric and Devon.  About them being together?”

“They’re together?” Nick asked blankly.

“You couldn’t notice?  God, they’re like all over each other ALL the time when they’re playing…they use it as an excuse.”  Jamie rolled his eyes.

“No, I didn’t.”  Nick thought back. “I didn’t notice.  And it doesn’t bother me. I mean…I’m bi.”  Nick blinked hard. That was the first time he’d said it out loud.

“Really?”  Jamie looked at him for a long moment. “I was hoping you’d say that. So am I.”

“Oh.” Nick felt foolish, like a girl in high school driving with a crush.

“You busy tomorrow night, Nick?” Jamie asked softly. Nick shook his head, biting his bottom lip as he turned onto Jamie’s street.  “Wanna have dinner?”

“Okay,” Nick whispered, not trusting his voice. He pulled up in front of Jamie’s apartment.

“Pick me up at six?” Jamie asked.  Nick nodded and Jamie grinned.  “Cool.  See you tomorrow.”

 

 

Nick had a meeting with the other guys before the date with Jamie, and he was glad.  He had been a nervous wreck all day, and at least the meeting would give him something to occupy his mind.

“Whoa…Junior…hot date tonight?” AJ teased when Nick walked through the door.  Nick looked down at his black jeans and blue silk shirt.

“Um, yeah, actually,” Nick said shyly.  He went to the small fridge in a corner of the office and pulled out a Pepsi.

“Really?”  AJ walked over so they could talk quietly.  “Name?”

“Jamie,” Nick said with a blissful sigh.

“Male or female?”

“Male,” Nick whispered, and AJ grinned with delight.

“Good for you, Junior. About damn time. Have a great night.”  AJ clapped Nick on the back.

Nick sat at the table and doodled on a tablet as they waited for management.  “Nick.” Kevin sat down next to Nick. Nick frowned. He knew that tone.

“Kevin.”

“Be careful, okay? You know what kind of losers are out there…people just looking to get a piece of the Backstreet Boys.”

“I know, Kevin.  We can’t all be as lucky as you and Brian…finding the women of your dreams,” Nick said sarcastically.

“Yeah, well, that’s not necessarily true,” Kevin muttered, and Nick raised his eyebrows.  “Look, Nick, just look out, okay?  I don’t want anyone taking advantage of you. I don’t want some fan getting pregnant and blaming you.”

“That WON’T happen tonight, Kevin. I promise you that.” Nick tried not to smile. “Besides…Jamie’s not like that.”

“I really hope she’s not, Nick. For YOUR sake.” Kevin got up and went to talk to Howie. He turned around midstep. “Oh…and don’t forget…physicals tomorrow at three…for the tour.”

“I know,” Nick grumbled. He hated doctors and hated physicals, but it was routine before a tour. 

 

Nick bit his lip as he turned onto Jamie’s street, and grinned as he saw Jamie standing on his front steps.  “Hey!”  Jamie called, jogging to Nick’s car.

“I’m sorry I’m late. We had a meeting,” Nick apologized.

“No problem. You look great!”  Jamie slid into the passenger seat, his eyes wandering over Nick’s body. Nick actually shivered. “Amazing.”

“Thanks,” Nick said, smiling bashfully.

 

Dinner went better then Nick could have imagined. They had a lot in common, from basketball to a love for the water.  Jamie was really impressed by Nick’s boat, and Nick promised to take him out for a ride sometime.  They sat and talked over coffee and dessert, and the manager finally had to kick them out at eleven, when the restaurant closed.

“I’m having such a good time, Nick,” Jamie said as they headed for Nick’s car. “I was a bit worried, I mean, knowing who you are and everything…but that doesn’t matter one bit.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that,” Nick said, relieved. “It’s hard for me to find someone.”

“I bet,” Jamie said softly. “Nick…I don’t want this night to end. I like talking to you.  When you drive me home…wanna come in for a bit?  We could have a drink or something.”

“Okay,” Nick said.  He didn’t want the night to end, either.  He was quiet on the way back to Jamie’s apartment, his stomach doing flip-flops. He was nervous and excited and worried. He had never been with a man before, never even KISSED one.  Was it any different then being with a girl?

“The place is a wreck,” Jamie warned him.  He opened the door to the apartment and stepped inside.

“Wow. If this is a wreck, I’d hate to see clean,” Nick commented as he looked around the immaculate apartment.

“Thanks.  Beer okay?” Jamie asked, heading to the kitchen.

“Sure. Thanks.”  Nick sat down on the sofa and tapped his fingers on his knees.  “Thanks,” he said again, taking the cold bottle of beer.  Jamie sat beside him on the sofa.

“You okay?” Jamie asked. Nick nodded, taking a large gulp of his beer.

“Fine.  Nervous.”

“Why?” Jamie reached up and pushed some hair from Nick’s face. Nick jumped.

“I…well…I’ve never done this…with a guy…” Nick took another gulp of beer.

“It’s okay.  It’s just like being with a girl…except I’m your size,” Jamie said with a grin. “And I have the same equipment.”

Nick thought of Jamie’s “equipment” and blushed.  “Right,” he said, trying to smile.

“Relax,” Jamie whispered, running a hand down Nick’s arm.  “Let me kiss you, okay, then you tell me whether it’s weird or not.” Jamie’s mouth was on Nick’s before Nick could protest.  Nick moaned slightly as Jamie’s tongue invaded his mouth.  “See? Is that so bad?” Jamie whispered, his lips trailing down Nick’s slender throat.

“No…it’s…g-good,” Nick stammered, his dick at full attention. 

“That’s what I thought.”  Jamie pressed him back until he was laying on the sofa.  Jamie draped his long body over Nick’s, his kisses insistent.  His hand slid down to cup Nick’s groin.  “Mmm…you think it’s REAL good, I believe.”

“Jamie…whoa…” Nick said weakly. Things were moving too fast. He wanted this, wanted the kissing, the exploring, but it was moving at a speed that was too fast for him to handle.

“Relax, Nicky. I know you want this,” Jamie murmured. “You pretty boys always do.”  Jamie unzipped Nick’s jeans and slid a hand inside. “And I want THIS.”

“Jamie…no…” Nick said more firmly, struggling to sit up.  Jamie used his position on top to full advantage, pinning Nick down.  “This is going too fast.”

Jamie chuckled and glared down at Nick. He grabbed Nick by the hair and gasped. “Too fast?  Come on.  You’ve had millions of women…you ever move this fast with them?”  Jamie unbuckled his own pants and Nick’s eyes widened.

“That was different.  I don’t want it like this. I’m not ready.  I don’t even know you.”

“That’s your dumbass mistake then, isn’t it?”  Jamie’s hand cracked against Nick’s cheek and he saw stars.

“Jamie…why…”

“Get up.”  Jamie pulled Nick by the hair until he stood up.  “Bend over.”

“No.” Nick struggled away but Jamie grabbed him, his hand whipping out once more.  Nick felt blood drip from his nose.  “Jamie…”

“Bend…the fuck…over…bitch…” Jamie growled.  He shoved Nick to the sofa, pressing his face into the cushion.

“Jamie…can’t…breathe…” Nick gasped.

“Too bad.”  Nick felt Jamie’s hand shove at his jeans and he tried to kick back.  He howled with pain as Jamie stomped on his lower leg, then punched him in the side.

“Keep it up, Pretty Boy…you’re asking for it.”  He heard a spitting sound, then felt a pushing at his backside.

“No…wait…can’t we…” Nick stammered.

“No. We can’t.”  Jamie thrust inside and Nick closed his eyes, willing himself far away.

 

“Get up,” Jamie snapped.  Nick turned to look at him.  Blood was smeared from his nose to his cheeks, and he could feel a sticky wetness trailing down his thighs. “Get up and get out.”

“I…” Nick stumbled and winced as he struggled to pull up his jeans.

“If you say ONE word about this, Nicky, to ANYONE…I’ll know.  And you know what I’ll do?”  Jamie smiled evilly as he buttoned his own pants.  “I have a very good girlfriend who will gladly tell police how a Backstreet Boy raped her.  Raped her and beat her.  You’ll be done.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Nick whispered.  Jamie held his face and slapped it, hard.

“Because I can, Pretty Boy. And because I know you wanted it.”  Jamie shoved him into the door. “Now get out of my house.”

Nick stumbled out to his car. He didn’t remember driving home, or unlocking his door, or falling gratefully onto his bed.

 

 

“Hello?”  Nick answered the phone slowly.

“Nick, it’s Kevin. Where the FUCK are you?”

“Obviously I’m at home, Kevin. You called me here.” Nick moved and winced.  Fuck, but he hurt.

“It’s three o’clock.”

“That’s nice.”  Nick had laid in bed all day, sometimes sleeping, sometimes crying, sometimes just staring at the ceiling in a catatonic fashion.

“You’re supposed to be here at the doctor’s office for the physical, asshole.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right.”  Nick sat up slowly, feeling dizzy. He hadn’t eaten since dinner the night before.

“Kick your little floozy out and get your ass down here!” Kevin almost screamed, exasperated by Nick’s tone of voice.

“Right…Kevin…I’ll be there.”  Nick hung up and stood. He stared at himself in the mirror. The blood still stained his face. He slowly pulled up his shirt and winced.  There was the giant bruise on his side, just where he expected it to be.  He took a step and winced again. Jamie had stomped on the back of his leg, near his shin, and it hurt to even think about using that muscle.  A physical was out of the question.

 

“Sorry,” Nick said softly as he entered the doctor’s office.  “I was asleep.”

“Holy hell, Nicky.” AJ lightly touched Nick’s face and he pulled away. “What’d this person do to you?”

“I, uh, got in a fight over her.  For her honor and all,” he said with a small grin.  He moaned as the grin pulled the skin on his face. 

“Was she worth it?” Kevin snapped.  Nick’s solemn blue eyes turned on Kevin, and Kevin actually shivered at the emptiness he saw there.

“Worth every minute of it.  Is the doctor in there?”  Nick nodded to a closed door.

“Yeah. Brian’s in there now.” Kevin sat down and began to flip through a magazine, trying not to stare at Nick and the bruises on his face.  AJ pulled Nick aside.

“Nick…what happened?”

“Like I said, I got into a fight.”

“I hope the other person got it worse than you, dude.”

“Let’s just say he got everything he asked for,” Nick said, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Hey, Frack!”  Brian gave Nick a hug and Nick almost screamed from the pain.

“My turn,” Nick said, shoving Brian away and heading for the doctor’s office. He closed the door behind him.  “Doctor, we need to talk.”

“Yes?”  The man turned around, smiling pleasantly.  The smile faded as he looked at Nick’s face.

“Oh…my GOD…are you all right?”  He lightly prodded at Nick’s face.

“I’m fine.” Nick’s voice was cold. “Do what you have to do…and then I need you to do a blood test on me.”

 

Nick came out of the office a half-hour later, rubbing his arm.  “Did you get a shot?” Howie said curiously.

“Yeah…uh…I’m not feeling too good, so he gave me a flu shot,” Nick said nervously.

“Hope you’re okay,” Kevin said quietly. Nick shrugged.

“We were gonna do the All Star tonight for dinner. You in?” Brian asked.

“I’m not really…” Nick began, then realized the more he pulled away, the more questions his friends would ask.  “Yeah…but I need to go home and shower and change and all.”

“You look clean enough. I’m starving. Let’s go!” AJ said.

“I NEED a shower,” Nick growled, and AJ actually jumped.  His tone was pure malice.  “Is that a problem?”

“No…no, N-Nick, no problem.  We’ll meet you there?” AJ asked nervously.

“Good.” Nick stormed out of the office without another word.

 

Nick stood under the streaming water, letting the heat hiss against his skin.  He couldn’t get clean enough, couldn’t wash enough.  The dirt was on the inside now, inside his soul…and he couldn’t get it to go away.

 

 

Nick stayed in his house for the next two days, not answering his phone, not really even leaving his bedroom. He stared at the ceiling, wondering what he had done wrong. What had made Jamie hate him so much…and why didn’t he fight back?  Was he really asking for it?

A pounding on his door made him jump. He looked at the clock. It was eight in the morning on the third day.  He sighed and pulled on a pair of boxers.  Running a hand through his hair, he padded down to answer the door.

“Nick, where the fuck…” Kevin stared at Nick, his green eyes running over the tall form. “Uh…holy shit, Nick.” His eyes were glued to the bruise on Nick’s side.

“What do you want, Kevin?”  Nick’s tone was utterly emotionless, and he seemed to look through Kevin.

“Are you okay?  I’ve tried to call, Brian tried to call…” Kevin’s heart hurt at the empty look in Nick’s usually vivacious blue eyes.

“I didn’t feel like talking. I’m fine.”

“Nick, we have final rehearsals tomorrow. We leave in three days. Are you gonna be there?”

“I’ll be there, don’t worry.  Thanks, Kevin.” Nick turned and closed the door in Kevin’s face.

 

Nick pulled himself together that evening. He made himself eat a full dinner, and he took a long hot shower.  He cleaned up the house a bit, and began packing for the tour. It would be short; only two months in small clubs.  Something more intimate.  He went to bed early and finally slept soundly.

He was on his way out the door the next morning when his cellphone rang.  “Kevin, I’m on my way, okay? I know, rehearsal at the dance studio in fifteen minutes. I’m just gonna stop for…”

“This isn’t Kevin.”

Nick swerved and almost drove off the road. He pulled to a stop on the shoulder. “Who is this?”

“You know who it is. You gave me this number.”  Jamie’s voice was sugar-sweet. “How are you, Nick?”

“What do you want?”   Nick whispered, hating the way his voice shook.

“I’ve been thinking about you…and I wondered if you had thought about me.”

“Fuck you.”  Nick hurriedly ended the call and turned the phone off.  He thought for a moment, then picked it up.  He dialed information and got the number he wanted. “Yes…my name’s Nick Carter and I need to change my cellphone number.”

 

“Nick…where are you?”  Fatima demanded.

“Huh?” Nick was confused.

“I need you HERE.  Your mind is somewhere else and I need one hundred percent from you right now, okay?”

“Sorry,” Nick said sullenly.

“Probably back on that date, right, Junior?” AJ teased.  Nick gave him such a pained look that AJ was shocked into silence.

“How about a break?” Kevin jumped in, and Nick smiled at him gratefully.

“Fifteen minutes,” Fatima agreed.  Brian went out for a breath of fresh air.  Howie got on his phone.  Nick’s phone rang and he jumped, staring at it.

“You gonna answer that?” AJ asked.

“Uh, yeah.” He picked it up. “Hello?”

“Mr. Carter, I’m from your cellular carrier. I’m just checking the line, making sure the number works.”

“Yes.  Yes, it works. Let me write it down.”  Nick motioned to Kevin, who miraculously found a piece of paper and a pen. “Okay. Thank you.”  He hung up.  “This is my new cell number…I needed to change it.  Uh, crank calls.”

“Okay.” Kevin wrote it down and shoved it in his wallet. “You okay?”

“Fine, Kevin.”  Nick walked to a corner to drink his water. Kevin followed with AJ.

“Dude…you can’t concentrate, you look like shit…” AJ looked at him with experienced eyes.  “Are you…on something?”

“No, I’m not ON something,” Nick snapped.  “Maybe I just don’t FEEL like dancing and singing and being Nick Carter, okay? Maybe Nick Carter fucking SUCKS, and I hate every single damn thing about him!”  Nick burst out of the studio and down the hallway, needing peace and quiet and a serenity he could not find.

 

 

“What do you MEAN, my bus isn’t here?” Nick snapped at the crew manager.  “We ask for very little. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches backstage, a day or two for ourselves, and our own fucking busses!  WHAT happened?”  Nick almost screamed.

“Well…I…we…”

“It isn’t ready, Frack.” Brian tried to calm Nick down. “You can share with me.”

“NO.”  Nick turned on Brian. “Your WIFE is here. You don’t need me busting in on that.”

“Nick, the busses are huge.  You can…”

“I said, NO, Brian. Thank you.”  Nick turned back to the crew manager, looming over him by a good four inches.  “Listen. We put you in charge because we THOUGHT you could get things done right. Apparently, you can’t. I hope you don’t have a family at home…because they might be going hungry soon.”

“Whoa…Nick…back off.”  Kevin stepped between Nick and the crew manager.  “Come here and cool off.”  He grabbed Nick by the arm and dragged him away. “What the hell’s your problem?”

“I need my bus, Kevin, THAT’S my problem.” Nick closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could feel his heart racing a mile a minute. “I need…my…bus.”

“Look, you can share with me, okay?” Kevin stared at Nick. This was the first show of emotion they had seen from Nick in days…and it worried him. 

“Your girlfriend might not like that,” Nick pointed out.

“My girlfriend won’t be around,” Kevin said before he thought. Nick’s mouth fell open.  “Yeah, we broke up. I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

“Uh, okay.  But I still don’t want to share with you, Kevin. I’m sorry.”

“Nick, what’s come over you? You don’t hang with us anymore, and you’re all about being alone all of a sudden. Do you think you’re better than we are now, or something?” Kevin growled.  Nick stared at him.  What Kevin didn’t know was that Nick felt the entire OPPOSITE.  He didn’t feel good enough, and he didn’t think he’d ever feel good enough ever again.

“No,” Nick whispered.  “Fine, Kevin. I’ll share your bus until mine is ready. I just…thank you.”

 

The first bus ride was during the afternoon of that day, and Nick calmed down slightly. He knew they’d be sleeping in a hotel that night, so he didn’t have to worry about anything. He chatted amicably with Kevin, seeming to resume back to his old self. As soon as they made it to the hotel, however, he took off on his own.

“What’s wrong with him?” Howie asked Kevin, who sighed.

“I have no clue. But I’ll find out.”

 

“I’m Nick Carter.”  Nick shook the hotel doctor’s hand.  “I need a favor.”

“Okay, shoot.” The doctor sat on one of Nick’s suite’s living room chairs.

“I need a prescription. For sleeping pills.”

“Have you seen a doctor about whatever problem you’re having, Mr. Carter?”

“No, I know what the problem is. I can’t sleep…or if I DO finally fall asleep, I have nightmares.”  Nick looked the doctor in the eye, speaking calmly and slowly. “I have to share a bus with someone for maybe the next week or two. I don’t want to wake him up…he doesn’t need to hear what I dream about. So…I need something.”

“Okay.”  The doctor studied him worriedly.  “I don’t really like this, but I understand.  And in your line of work, you need a good night’s rest.”  The doctor’s pen flowed over the paper. “This is good for a month’s supply. After that…you should really seek help.”

 

“Yo, Nicky…we’re hitting the clubs!” AJ breezed into Nick’s suite as Nick opened the door.

“No, thanks, AJ, I’m not interested.”  Nick kept the door open.

“Nick…I was thinking…” AJ leaned in close.  “There’s a hot bi club down the block.  TOTALLY hot.  You in?”

“No!”  Nick said loudly, and AJ jumped. “I mean, no, thank you, AJ.  I’m not…you know…I don’t wanna find that on the road.”

“Okay.  Let me know if you change your mind,” AJ said worriedly. He left Nick’s suite, frowning.

Nick climbed into bed and willed himself to calm down. Willed himself to relax and let sleep overtake him. As usual, it didn’t work. He felt the hands, heard the voice, heard himself begging to be left alone.  Nick opened his eyes, shuddering. He went to his suitcase and dug out the sleeping pills. He took two and crawled back into bed.  It only took ten minutes for sleep to mercifully cover his mind.

 

“Nick, what’s wrong with you?” AJ hissed during a costume change.  “Your dancing’s off, your singing’s off…do you even wanna be here?”

“Yeah, I do, Aje, leave me alone!” Nick snapped, shoving his legs into his pants.  It wasn’t his fault. All he could think about was the fact that he’d have to share a bus with Kevin…and that something would happen.  Kevin could never know what had happened. It would kill Nick if Kevin ever found out.  “Let’s get back up there.”

 

“You okay?” Kevin said as their bus pulled into motion.

“Yeah. I need a shower.”  Nick headed for the bathroom, welcoming the steam and the water and the chance to be alone. He had almost totally ruined the show, and he felt guilty.  He promised himself that the next city’s fans wouldn’t suffer through a terrible show the way THIS city’s fans had.  To make up for it, he had made the bodyguard take him out to the side of the stadium, so he could sign autographs and pose for pictures.

When he got out of the shower, Kevin was waiting patiently with his towel and toiletry bag.  “You didn’t use all the hot water, did you?” Kevin asked.

“Nope.”  Nick pushed past him and went to change into his sweats and tshirt.  He sighed and fell onto his bunk.  The bottle of pills wasn’t far from his reach.

 

Kevin got up off his bunk and knelt by Nick’s bed.  He looked at the sleeping form and sighed.  His finger lightly traced the bruise on his little brother’s face. Something wasn’t right. Nick was miserable and just…not himself.  Kevin’s foot kicked something and he picked it up. “Sleeping pills?” Kevin whispered, reading the front of the bottle.  He sighed again.  Not right at all.

 

“So…Nick…what ever happened with that girl?” Kevin asked at sound check the next day.  Nick froze.

“What girl?”

“Uh…Jamie?”  Kevin asked. “Wasn’t that the name?”

A shiver ripped through Nick’s body. “Yeah…that was the name.”  Nick looked at his shoes.  “It…uh…it didn’t work out.”

“Sorry, man.” Howie slapped him on the back.  “That sucks.”

“Yeah.”  Nick winced at the contact and quickly moved away.  “No problem, though. It’s all good.”

Kevin watched him carefully, looking for some kind of answer. He found nothing.

AJ followed Nick backstage. “Junior.”

“What?”  Nick snapped, whirling around.

“What happened with that guy?”  AJ cornered Nick against the wall. “Tell me. You’ve been fucked up ever since then.”

“Nothing happened, AJ!” Nick almost yelled. Neither of them noticed Kevin lurking a few feet away. “It didn’t work out, okay?  And I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Look, Nick, you get back up on the bike and try again, okay?  We’ll go out. We’ll find you a nice boy with…”

“I don’t WANT another nice boy,” Nick almost growled, and AJ took a step back. Kevin’s eyes widened but he said nothing.  “I don’t want you to hook me up. I don’t want to go out. I want to be left alone. Is that a problem for you?”

“Jesus, Nick, okay. Sorry.” AJ put his hands up and stepped away.  “Sorry.”

Nick shoved him aside and stalked away. Kevin stepped out of the shadows and put a hand on AJ’s shoulder. AJ jumped. “We need to talk,” Kevin said.

 

So Nick was bisexual.  Why he felt the need to hide it, Kevin didn’t know.  AJ had come out about that years ago, and everyone was fine about it. But apparently Nick wasn’t. Though Kevin could kind of understand…it was hard to accept something like that about yourself.  He watched Nick carefully the rest of the day. He seemed to fall into the routine quickly, performing better in sound check then Kevin had seen him in ages. Nick smiled and laughed, but Kevin noticed his eyes didn’t quite match the smile on his face. 

The performance went well. Nick gave 110%, and the fans felt it.  They screamed and sang along, and it was like old times. Except for that sadness in Nick’s blue eyes.  After the show, as they ran to the bus, Kevin put a hand on Nick’s shoulder.  Nick jumped and looked at him. “You did really good tonight,” Kevin said. Nick shrugged away.

“Thanks, Dad.”  Nick ran onto the bus and headed for the shower before Kevin could say anything else.  Kevin was bound and determined to talk to Nick about the sleeping pills, but when Nick got out of the shower, there was such a wall of solitude around him that Kevin didn’t dare approach him.  Kevin took his own shower and when he came out, Nick was ranting and cursing.

“What is it?”

“I lost something.”

“What?”

“Something.”  Nick dug around through his bag, under the mattress, even in his pillowcase.

“The sleeping pills?”

Nick froze. “Did you take them?  Give them to me!” He almost screamed.

“No…I didn’t…I swear…” Kevin promised. “I saw them last night. Why do you need sleeping pills, Nick?”

“To sleep. Duh, Kevin.”  Nick fell onto his bunk, swiping his curtain shut.

“Nick, I want to talk to you. I want to know…”

“I don’t feel like talking. Good night, Kevin.”

“Fucking child,” Kevin muttered, but he turned away and headed for the kitchen.

 

Once more, Kevin knelt by Nick’s bunk. He slowly opened the curtain, and looked at the young face on the pillow.  If he expected Nick to be honest with him, if he wanted Nick to open up, he would have to be honest, too.  Kevin promised himself he’d corner Nick for a long talk the next morning, before they even got off the bus.  He sighed, running a hand over Nick’s forehead.  It was sweaty. Kevin stared at Nick in the dim light.  “Don’t touch me,” Nick mumbled.  Kevin yanked his hand back. “Don’t ever fucking touch me again.”  Nick waved an arm around and Kevin realized Nick was still asleep.  “I’ll fucking cut your dick off…you won’t do that to anyone ever again…I hate you…”

 

 

Kevin didn’t sleep well that night. He stared at the black night until the sun began to rise, and then he moved out into the small kitchen area.  When Nick got up two hours later, Kevin was staring out the window, nursing a cup of coffee.  “I’m sorry…about last night,” Nick said, sitting down across the table from Kevin.

“Want coffee?”  Kevin asked.  Nick nodded and Kevin quickly poured him a mug.  Nick twirled it around in front of him.

“Kevin…”

“I didn’t break up with Kristin,” he said finally. Nick’s mouth closed.  “She broke up with me.  I…I finally was honest with her about something…and she couldn’t handle it.”

“What?” Nick asked in spite of himself.

“I told her…that I’m bisexual.”  Kevin watched Nick’s mouth fall open.  “Yes. I am.  Just like AJ, though not as…flamboyant.  I haven’t had a lot of experience, and it’s not something I felt comfortable exploring until recently.  So. There you go.”  Kevin’s green eyes were expressionless as they studied Nick’s face.  “I just thought I should be honest with you about it. I should have been honest about it when it happened.”  Kevin ran a hand through his hair. “And I need to tell the others…but I thought you should know first…so you didn’t feel weird sharing a bus with me or anything.”

“I have nightmares,” Nick said suddenly.  “Bad ones.  So bad I can’t sleep more then like two hours at a time.  So I take the sleeping pills.”

“Did something happen?”  Kevin prompted gently.

“No,” Nick said quickly.  Kevin knew him well enough to see the lie.  “And I have no problems with you being bi, Kevin. I…” Nick faltered, and Kevin hoped. “I appreciate your honesty…both with her and with me.”

“Yeah,” Kevin said, hopes dashed.

 

Kevin made a point of telling the others when Nick was in the room. They were backstage before the show, and Kevin came out. Completely.  “So…all this time you’ve been as crooked as me?” AJ asked with a grin.  Kevin shrugged, looking at Brian uncertainly. He knew AJ wouldn’t care, and Howie was easygoing, but his cousin…

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out with her, Kev,” Brian said gently.  “You’re my cousin, and I love you. No matter what.”

“Thanks, Brian,” Kevin said, relieved. He hugged Brian tightly.

“So…two days off…what are we doing, kids?”  AJ asked as he tied a shoe.

“Sleeping,” Howie said, and the others rolled their eyes.

“Nick…there’s someone out here to see you…” One of their assistants poked a head in the door. “Said he traveled all the way from Florida to catch up with you…said that your cellphone is broken so he couldn’t call you back…you were expecting him?”

“And you believed all that?” Brian asked with a chuckle.

“He’s pretty sincere,” the woman said. She grinned. “Hot, too.”

“Well, hell, send him in. Maybe there’s more than enough of him to go around,” AJ said, winking at Kevin.  Kevin blushed slightly.

The assistant left and soon a knock came at the door. “Come in!” Nick yelled, ready to put on the charms for whatever fan was on the other side of the door. The door opened and his smile faltered. “What are you doing here?” He hissed.

“I’ve been to every show so far…I thought I’d try to catch you backstage,” Jamie said, smiling pleasantly. “I missed you, Nicky.”

“You need to leave,” Nick growled, his hands clenching into fists even as his body shook with remembered fear.  “NOW.”

“Okay. I can always come back.”  Jamie looked at the others and grinned. “Hi. I’m Jamie. A friend of Nick’s.”

“You’re not my friend,” Nick countered.

“Oh, you’re right. We were so much more, weren’t we?”  Jamie looked at Howie and Brian’s confused faces. “Ah…we haven’t been completely honest, have we?”

“Look, I don’t know who you are, but you need to leave. We have a show to do.”  Kevin grabbed Jamie by the arm.  Jamie pulled away.

“No problem.  Have a great show, guys.”  Jamie sauntered to the door. “Bye, Nicky.”  He closed the door behind him and Nick headed for the bathroom.  The others could hear him vomiting, even through the closed door.

 

 

“Nick’s bisexual,” Kevin said before anyone could say anything. “And we’re not going to discuss it with him until he brings it up first.”

“How did YOU know?” AJ gasped.

“I overheard you guys talking about it.  He doesn’t know I know. Let’s just do this performance…we’ll wait to see if he tells us anything about this guy.”  Kevin gave them each a stern look. “I mean it. Don’t bother him.”

“Let’s go.” Nick appeared from the bathroom, his face red with some suppressed emotion.

Nick was more passionate, more powerful, more energetic then they had ever seen him before. He ran across the stage, screaming as the fans screamed, jumping, dancing, moving as if his life depended on it…or his sanity.  Kevin kept an eye on him; at times Nick looked like he wanted to just throw himself into the crowd and let them tear him apart.

Kevin was first on the bus. He went into the shower and tried to gather his crazy thoughts. He knew something was wrong with Nick. Something about this Jamie…who was obviously the date that Nick had gone on before the tour.  At the same time, Kevin allowed himself to daydream about Nick. He knew after about two years of secret therapy that he had a crush on his youngest bandmate.  He had never wanted to admit it, but when he had finally decided to talk to someone, it had all come out. And that’s when he had broken things off with Kristin.  The thought of Nick actually being bisexual scared him. It made his dream a reality, and that was hard to deal with.

“You use all the hot water?” Nick asked when Kevin came out. Kevin smiled slightly; that was usually HIS line.

“Of course not,” Kevin said, stepping aside.  Nick took his things and went into the small bathroom. Kevin dressed and flopped onto the sofa, aimlessly flipping channels on the small television. He wanted Nick to trust him. He wanted Nick to talk to him, to tell him what had caused the emptiness in the blue eyes. Most of all, he wanted Nick to turn to him.  The bus rolled out and Nick came out of the bathroom. He went to his bunk, and Kevin heard him settle in.  He sighed. So much for talking. 

 

At three in the morning, Kevin sat straight up. He had no clue what had wakened him, but it was something that made his blood run cold.  He heard Nick yell, and in an instant he was next to Nick’s bunk.  “Don’t…don’t do it…please…” Nick begged.

“Nick, baby, wake up,” Kevin begged.  He shook Nick slightly, and Nick’s blue eyes flew open.

“Kevin,” Nick whispered.  To Kevin’s shock, Nick’s bleu eyes filled with tears. “Make it stop.”

Kevin sat down on the floor by Nick’s bunk, and Nick crawled onto the floor next to him. Kevin put a comforting arm around him, pulling him close. “Just relax, Nick. It’s okay. You’re safe. I won’t let anything happen to you, bro, you know that, right?”

“Yeah.”  Nick sniffled, and Kevin was reminded of the young boy who he had met so many years before.

“Remember that time in Germany…you were so homesick that you had nightmares every night?” Kevin asked.  “You were just a scrawny little kid…you still are.”

“Am not,” Nick shot back with a small grin.  “You talked me to sleep every freaking night.”

“Yeah,” Kevin remembered.  “My mouth would get so dry, but you wouldn’t let me leave until you were asleep.”

“You took care of me,” Nick said softly.  “Kevin…I…I guess you know I’m bi.”

“Yeah.  Actually, I heard you and Aje talking…but I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.”

“I can’t believe you are,” Nick said.  “I mean…I never knew.  Did you ever have a boyfriend?”

“No.  Fooled around some…but nothing serious.  How about you?”  He felt Nick stiffen beside him. “Jesus, Nick…that’s it…what the hell did that guy do to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Nick muttered, burying his face in his hands.

“I’m gonna kill him. Did he hurt you?” Kevin asked, though he knew the answer.

“Kevin, don’t…”

“Fucking sonofabitch. Asshole.  I’m gonna find him and kick his fairy ASS!”  Kevin screamed. He had never felt so angry, so full of hate. Nick stared at him.

“Kevin, it’s okay.  It…”

“It’s NOT okay, Nick.  I know you. You know full well how to say no, and if he couldn’t take that for an answer, he deserves to be shot.”

“Kevin, it was my fault,” Nick said softly, and Kevin froze.

“What?”

“Obviously he thought I wanted it. I…”

“Nickolas Gene Carter, you fucking listen to me, okay?  There is NO reason it is your fault.”  Kevin took Nick’s chin in his hand. “Listen to me.  When you say no, it means NO.  It means stop. It means I DON’T WANT IT.  You said no, right?”

A tear slid down Nick’s cheek. “I begged him to stop.”

Kevin pulled Nick into a fierce hug. “Then it’s not your fault, Nicky. It’s not.”

 

 

Kevin finally got Nick to go back to bed.  Kevin sat in the living room area of the bus, staring out the window at nothing. Rage like nothing he had ever felt burned inside of him.  He hated this person, this Jamie…this man who had hurt his youngest brother, had taken advantage of him in this way. 

 

When Nick padded out of his bunk on bare feet, he found Kevin asleep with his face smashed against the window.  Nick smiled and tapped Kevin on the shoulder. “Kev…dude…your face is gonna freeze like that!”

“Wha?”  Kevin awakened instantly.  He rubbed his cheek.  “Okay…I think I drooled down the glass.”

Nick laughed out loud, music to Kevin’s ears.  “Where’s the camera?”

“I need a shower, you brat,” Kevin grumbled. He stood and stretched and started for the bathroom.  A hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Kevin…thank you. For being there.”  It was obvious that Nick had regretted saying anything to Kevin.  “I just…I thought you’d…”

“Did you think I’d be angry with you? Upset?” Kevin asked.  Nick shrugged and looked away. “Nick…God…it’s not like I’d be disgusted or think you were…well…I don’t.  It’s not your fault. You are wonderful and pure and great and…”

“…and a brat,” Nick finished, and Kevin grinned.

“And a brat.”

 

They had a free afternoon and evening, with nothing scheduled besides a lunchtime interview.  Kevin was glad to see that his room was next to Nick’s, and he made sure that Nick knew he was right there if Nick would need him.  Brian cornered Kevin in the hallway after Nick had entered his suite.

“Is he okay? He looks sick or something.”

“He’s fine,” Kevin told him, turning on the best paternal air he could muster. “He’s tired. He had some nightmares…he’s cool.”

“Okay. I worry, you know?”  Brian looked at Nick’s closed door.  “He hasn’t been himself lately.”

“Hopefully it will get better,” Kevin replied.  “I think he’ll really be better after this day off.” Kevin went into his suite and closed the door on Brian’s questions.

 

Nick quickly threw his things into the drawers of the dresser, slamming them shut. He was tired. He wanted to nap.  He felt better after talking to Kevin, but he still felt…exhausted. He climbed onto the bed and closed his eyes. He didn’t need to be anywhere for an hour.  He set the alarm on his cellphone and closed his eyes.

The hour passed quickly, and the alarm went off way before he was ready. Nick yawned and stretched, picking up his phone. He looked at the phone, surprised to see that someone had called and left a message. He had slept right through it. He figured it was Kevin, calling to make sure he was on schedule.

“Hi, this is Nick. You know the drill.”  Nick rolled his eyes at his own voice.

“Hi, sexy.”  Nick sat straight up, his blood running cold.  “How ya doin?  This is…well…you know who. I know where you’re at…I thought of getting a room there myself, but I didn’t think I could handle the security and all that.  Hey…maybe we could get together for a game of one-on-one.  Miss ya, sexy.  Bye.”

 

Kevin had his hand raised to knock on the door that adjoined his bedroom to Nick’s when he heard a strangled cry.  “Nick? Nick, it’s Kevin. Let me in.” He jiggled the doorknob.  “Nicky?”

The door flew open and Kevin almost fell through.  “Kevin.”  Nick whispered, his face pale.  “He called back.”

“Did you try to dial back?” Kevin grabbed Nick’s cellphone.

“No…I…”

“We’re sorry, but the number from which the last call was dialed is unavailable,” a tinny female voice chanted.

“Fuck.”  Kevin threw the phone at Nick’s bed.  “What did he say?”

“He…he said that he knew where we were and he was gonna get a room here but didn’t and that…that he wanted to play one-on-one.”  Nick angrily picked up the phone and glared at it. “I can’t believe he’s making me act like such a baby.”

“Nick, of COURSE you feel that way…he took…he took something from you that you can never get back.  It’s not wrong for you to freak.” Kevin ran a hand through his hair. “We’ll find a way to get this bastard.  Even if I have to fucking kill him with my bare hands.”

“Kevin,” Nick whispered, shocked by the anger in Kevin’s green eyes.

“No. He doesn’t touch you and then fuck with you like this.”  Kevin angrily slammed back into his suite to make some calls, the lunch interview long forgotten.

 

 

“Nick, go to the interview.” Kevin poked his head back through the door. “Make excuses for me…tell them I’m sick. I have to talk to some people.”

“Kevin…”

“GO, Nickolas!” Kevin snapped, and suddenly Nick felt fourteen all over again.

“Okay,” he whispered, shutting the door.

“Where’s Kevin?” Brian asked as soon as Nick left his suite.

“He’s…uh…sick. Not feeling up to it. We’re supposed to cover for him,” Nick said.

“Okay…yeah. We can do it.  Just ramble on for an hour about absolutely NOTHING, and we can be EXACTLY like Kevin,” AJ said, jabbing the elevator button.  Nick punched him in the shoulder, hard.

“Shut up, AJ.  Kevin has covered our asses, especially yours, more times than any of us could count,” Nick said angrily.  AJ held up his hands. 

“Jeez…sorry, Junior.  My bad.”

 

The interview seemed hours long.  Nick knew he smiled and replied when he was supposed to, but all he could think about was Kevin. He wondered what he was doing, who he was talking to…when Nick realized his thoughts had drifted to what Kevin might be WEARING, he quickly gulped at his water.

He pounded on Kevin’s door as soon as they reached the hotel.  Kevin opened it. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Nick pushed him aside and came in. Kevin closed the door.  “Well?”

“I have NO clue how he’s getting your number.  He must know someone.  At any rate, I think you should tell the important people in your life to just use my phone number if they need you.  Does this guy have your pager number?”

“I don’t think I gave it to him.” Nick tried to remember.

“Well, if he gets through on that, we’ll worry about that when it happens.  I made some other calls, hinted about stalking.”

“Kevin!”  Nick almost whined. “I don’t want people to know about this!”

“Nicky, listen to me…” Kevin put his hands on Nick’s shoulders.  “I didn’t tell them anything like that. I just said that this person is getting your personal number, and that he showed up unannounced at our show.  I said I felt you were in danger, that’s all.”  Kevin’s eyes were kind as he looked at Nick. “Don’t you trust me?”

“Yeah,” Nick sighed, relaxing. Kevin hugged him, holding on tight.

“I’m here for you, Nick. I’m looking out for you.”

“As usual,” Nick said, smiling against Kevin’s shoulder. He enjoyed the embrace, enjoying it more when Kevin rocked him slightly.  Kevin slowly pulled away.  His eyes were wide and green, and Nick bit his bottom lip.  He felt himself slightly shaking under Kevin’s hands, and he felt chills dance up and down his spine. “Kevin…”

“Nick…” Kevin whispered, his face inches from Nick’s.  A pounding at the door scared them apart.

“Yo, Kev? You okay, dude?”

“AJ,” Kevin and Nick said together, smiling at each other.

 

AJ, Howie and Brian went out, but Kevin decided to stay in, making his illness more believable.  Nick, of course, was not interested in going out, and he watched a movie with Kevin.  They sat on the sofa, Kevin at the end with Nick’s feet on his lap.

“Ya know, I’m the older one. I should get the sofa,” Kevin pointed out.

“It’s your suite.  Go watch this in the bedroom, then,” Nick replied. Kevin tickled his feet and Nick howled.  “Stop. STOP!  Kevin, you rat bastard…”

“Language, Nicky, language…” Kevin teased, moving up to tickle behind Nick’s knees.  Nick screamed again, rolling off the sofa.  Kevin chased after him. 

“Kevin, stop. STOP!  Stop, okay…Kevin…” Nick was laughing too hard to fight. “No…fair…”

“Ha.  Watch yourself, kid. I know ALL the secrets,” Kevin said in a deep voice, wiggling his fingers at Nick.  Nick screamed again and scooted away.  Kevin smiled at him, ruffling his hair.  “You’re adorable.” His eyes widened as he realized what he had said.

“You think I’m adorable?” Nick whispered.  Kevin shrugged, slipping into big brother mode.

“Sure.”  He sat back down on the sofa.  Nick slowly climbed up to sit next to him.

“I don’t think you’re adorable.”

“That’s fine.”

“I think you’re handsome.” Kevin’s head whipped to look at Nick. “I always have. When I was younger I would have KILLED to look like you. You are that whole tall dark and handsome thing. And I wanted that.  Wanted to BE that.”

“Nick…”

“And I still think that way,” Nick whispered.  He took a deep breath, turned Kevin’s head towards his, and kissed him.

 

 

It took everything Kevin had in him, but he pushed Nick away. “What the hell was that?”  Kevin made a big show of rubbing his hand over his mouth.

“A kiss. I thought…”

“You thought wrong!” Kevin said angrily. “God, Nick…where…”

“Nevermind.”  Nick stood quickly. “I’m sorry. I thought…I was wrong. Good night, Kev.”  Nick almost ran from the suite.

Kevin sighed, falling back onto the sofa.  He closed his eyes, willing back every single second of that kiss.  Nick’s lips were warm and soft, just as Kevin had always dreamt they’d be…but he couldn’t allow this. Not yet.  For too many reasons.  He needed to make sure this bastard would never hurt Nick again. And he couldn’t let Nick fall for him.  He’d be doing it for all the wrong reasons. And he didn’t want Nick to break his heart.

 

The rest of the tour had a weird vibe to it, and everyone felt it. Kevin and Nick were barely speaking, but it was Howie who pointed out to AJ that wherever Kevin was, Nick was. If Kevin went out, Nick came along. If Kevin stayed in, Nick stayed in.  It was as if Nick couldn’t be where Kevin wasn’t.

“It’s weird,” Howie said.  “He follows him around like a puppy.”

“Just like he used to,” AJ said, nodding. He watched their choreographer correct some of Kevin’s dance moves.  Nick was watching a few yards away.

“I’m just glad this tour is over tomorrow,” Howie sighed. “I love you guys, but I’m not into this anymore.”

“I don’t think any of us are,” AJ replied, watching Brian talk to his wife on his cellphone.

 

Kevin and Nick wearily climbed onto the bus for the last time.  When the bus stopped next, they’d be home in Orlando.  Kevin grabbed his towel and headed for the shower.  “Kevin?”  Nick asked timidly.

“What, Nick?” Kevin turned around.

“I’m sorry for pissing you off.”

“You didn’t, Nick, I promise. I just…that wasn’t cool.  It…it’s not right.”

“Yeah.”  Nick scuffed his bare foot on the rug and Kevin wanted to just kiss his whole face off.

“You need to find someone to help you heal…someone to love you and make you see how wonderful you are.” Kevin put a hand on Nick’s shoulder.  “That rat bastard will pay, Nick…and then you can move on.”

“Right.” Nick nodded, obviously not agreeing.

“Nick, do you believe me when I tell you it wasn’t your fault?”

“Yeah,” Nick said slowly.

“Nickolas.”

“But he…”

“But he was a dick, Nicky!  He was WRONG.  No is no, and that’s all there is to it.”  Kevin angrily stomped over to a drawer in the kitchen area.  “Write down his full name and address.”

“I…”

“Nick…just write the directions, okay? I bet you can remember.”

“I can’t forget,” Nick muttered, but he wrote it all down. “Kevin…I just…I got this feeling from you…like you could feel for me what I feel for you.”

“Nick, I appreciate it.” Kevin was amazed at his ability to lie through his teeth.  “But I’m not into you that way. You’re my little brother, and I love you like that.  You just see me as some kind of avenging angel and…”

“No. I see you as the man I’ve had feelings for since the first week I met you,” Nick said angrily.  He went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

 

Kevin slept hard his first day back in his house.  Then he woke up, ate, showered, got dressed, and got into his car.  Nick’s handwriting was sloppy, but his directions were clear.  Kevin looked at the apartment for a long moment before getting out of his car.  He rang the bell and leaned in the doorway.

A tall man with dark hair answered, and Kevin recognized him as the man who had walked into their dressing room that night.  “Can I help you?”  The man’s eyes swept over Kevin, taking in the tight black jeans, tight black tshirt, and tight muscles.  He smiled.  “At all?”

“You’re Jamie?”  Kevin could not believe that this man didn’t remember him.

“Yes.  Do I know you?”

“We have a mutual friend. Can I come in?”

“Sure.  Not every day someone like you shows up on my doorstep.”  Jamie moved aside and let Kevin in.  Kevin looked around, remembering everything Nick had told him.  He looked at the room, looked at the sofa, and his hands tightened into fists. 

“Nice place,” Kevin snarled.

“Thanks.  I like it,” Jamie said modestly.  “Now, about this friend…”

“No.”  Kevin turned the full force of his green eyes onto Jamie, who swallowed deeply.

“No?”

“You know what that means?”

“Of course,” Jamie said, looking at Kevin as if he had grown a second head.

“Then how comes you didn’t listen to my friend when he said it?”  Kevin walked over to Jamie. They were the same height, and their eyes met. “How comes you didn’t listen when you fucked him and he asked you to stop?”

“Look, dude, I…”

“Nick.”  Kevin grabbed Jamie by the throat.  “Now do you remember me?”

“You’re…one of his…bandmates…” Jamie rasped.

“That’s right, you fucking rat bastard.  You cockless little shit.  I’ve had to watch him turn into this…thing…that I don’t even know. He can’t laugh, he can’t cry, he just exists.  Because of YOU.”

“Look, man, he wanted it. He came here, didn’t he?”

“That was SO the wrong thing to say.”  Kevin pulled back his other hand and let his fist fly into Jamie’s face. Jamie fell back over the coffee table, landing on the floor. Kevin kicked him in the side.  “You raped him. You figured just to protect his public persona, he’d let it go. He wouldn’t tell. Well, he DID tell. I practically had to drag it out of him, but he told me.  And you are SO lucky he begged me not to kill you.”  Kevin punctuated the sentence with another kick.

“What…do you want…” Jamie gasped.  Kevin knelt and held him by the throat once more, pinning him to the ground.

“If you EVER talk to him…contact him…THINK about him, I will not hesitate to come back here and cut you up into nasty little pieces. I don’t care if I go to jail for the rest of my LIFE.  The only reason he won’t press charges is because of the publicity.  I may not be around much, but I have a lot of friends here.  And they’ll be watching you, dickhead.”  Kevin got up, flexed his fingers until the knuckles cracked, then he went out the door.

 

 

Two days later, Nick’s doorbell rang. He finished tying his sneaker and slowly ambled down to answer it. He opened the door and crossed his arms over his chest.  “Hello.”

“Hi.”  Kevin fidgeted.  “Can we talk?”

“Sure. I love to talk. Especially to you.”  Nick moved aside, his eyes stony.  “What’s up?”

“I…uh…” Kevin looked at Nick, who was wearing a tanktop and shorts.  “Working out?”

“I was planning on playing some ball, yes, but I don’t think you came here to discuss my extracurricular activities, Kevin.” 

Kevin sighed. “I wanted you to know that you won’t be hearing from Jamie again. Not if he knows what’s good for him.”

“What?”  Nick whispered, all stoniness gone.  “What did you do, Kev?”

“Punched him once.  Kicked him twice. Threatened him. If he knows what’s good for him, like I said, he’ll leave you alone. I told him you won’t be pressing charges, but that I have people watching him.”

“God.”  Nick weakly sat down on the steps.  “I hope he listens.”

“He will.  I can be pretty scary.”  Kevin sat down next to Nick.

“Yeah, you can.” Nick finally smiled. “Thanks, Kevin. I mean it. If you wouldn’t have been strong for me about all this…I never coulda learned to be strong myself. I mean, look…I’m going to play ball at the same place I met him at.  I woulda been scared to do it before.”

“You’re welcome, Nick.”  Kevin took a deep breath.  “About that kiss…”

“You were right.  It was wrong for me to do that, no matter what I felt. I’m all over that.”

“You are?”  Kevin was crestfallen.

“You sound upset,” Nick whispered.  His heart started doing jumping jacks.

“Nick…I’ve had…well…a crush on you since you were old enough for me to legally have a crush on you. Probably before that,” Kevin admitted.  “I didn’t want you to want me for all the wrong reasons. I didn’t want you breaking my heart and then moving on.  But I need to be honest with you now. That kiss was something I’ve dreamt about.  For years.”

“Really?”  Nick’s mouth dropped open, then he smiled.  “Wow.”

“Yeah.” Kevin looked him in the eye. “I can’t promise anything, Nick, except I would never hurt you, and never use you.”

“I know,” Nick said softly. “And I am not just using you to get past…him.”

“Okay then. That’s settled.”  Kevin sighed with relief.  “So…um…can I play ball with you?”

“Kevin, I’ll kick your ass.”

“You think?” Kevin stood and flexed a muscle. “I have warmup clothes in the car.  Lemme change quick.”

“Okay,” Nick said, smiling and standing as well.  Kevin put his hands on Nick’s shoulders, leaned forward, and gently kissed him. Nick put a hand on Kevin’s waist to steady himself, and kissed back with a passion that shocked him both.

“Whoa.”  It was Kevin’s turn to be speechless. “I’m gonna go…my car…clothes.  Yeah.” He hurried out the door, leaving Nick grinning behind him.

The End

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